11-21-2011, 09:00 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2011, 12:31 PM by highpriestess.)
So, typical wanderer intro. Upon finding the Ra material a few months ago, I feel like I have received a cosmic validation of sorts for so many internalized truths I've held for so long. So much of the material resonated within me, it felt as though I found a piece of the puzzle I've held inside myself.
And yet, while I confess to feeling re-awakened in a sense, I find it very difficult to put love and light into practice.
I have always been imaginative and intrigued by mystery, magic, the occult, and ideas that those not in-tune with the intangible parts of our 'reality' would probably think me crazy for entertaining.
I've struggled with balancing my emotions for much of my life and though I have a strongly optimistic and positive attitude and outlook, it seems that I cannot help but be strongly swayed at times in that other direction.
I always joked it was because I'm a libra. The search for balance is often found by those varying extremes which always vacillate within me. I'm confident and strong, but insecure with waning self worth. I'm financially and willfully independent, yet over emotional and codependent in my personal relationships.
Upon stumbling on the Hidden Hand info which led me to the Ra & L.O.O. material, I truly felt that I had received a gift that I had been seeking, that I had found light and love and a bolstering sense of faith. Where I used to be depressed and withdrawn, I could now see the love and light in everything. And yet, during my daily life when I find myself at a crossroads faced with the very opportunities spoken of by Ra and Q'uo to turn a negative situation into a positive one, I veritably crumble. I know this polarity is essential, but it feels so self defeating that after praying for light and love and feeling it within myself, I break and let _____ overcome. Fill the blank-- is it ego? Is it the dark? That sense of service to self? I detest lack of accountability in others and myself; I know that I am responsible for my choices and yet I so desperately desire to be a beacon of light and love for others. But it seems my own personal weakness has more power and instead of love shining through I find myself wracked with anger and overcome with a lack of self control.
I have began to meditate more and can honestly say I've felt amazing bodily responses which result in feeling lighter and feeling love, but then for example, later in the day a disagreement will occur and instead of taking the high road I find myself fighting with the same passion I feel towards love.
Then I feel so angry with myself. I forgive myself and recognize that this is all essential, there are no mistakes, and yet it is still so hard for me to accept that my ability to become that which I can be is trumped by my eagerness and desire to be that which I can be.
I would love to hear any suggestions from others here on how they actively use the opportunities presented to them for polarization to service to others. Thank you!
Love and light
And yet, while I confess to feeling re-awakened in a sense, I find it very difficult to put love and light into practice.
I have always been imaginative and intrigued by mystery, magic, the occult, and ideas that those not in-tune with the intangible parts of our 'reality' would probably think me crazy for entertaining.
I've struggled with balancing my emotions for much of my life and though I have a strongly optimistic and positive attitude and outlook, it seems that I cannot help but be strongly swayed at times in that other direction.
I always joked it was because I'm a libra. The search for balance is often found by those varying extremes which always vacillate within me. I'm confident and strong, but insecure with waning self worth. I'm financially and willfully independent, yet over emotional and codependent in my personal relationships.
Upon stumbling on the Hidden Hand info which led me to the Ra & L.O.O. material, I truly felt that I had received a gift that I had been seeking, that I had found light and love and a bolstering sense of faith. Where I used to be depressed and withdrawn, I could now see the love and light in everything. And yet, during my daily life when I find myself at a crossroads faced with the very opportunities spoken of by Ra and Q'uo to turn a negative situation into a positive one, I veritably crumble. I know this polarity is essential, but it feels so self defeating that after praying for light and love and feeling it within myself, I break and let _____ overcome. Fill the blank-- is it ego? Is it the dark? That sense of service to self? I detest lack of accountability in others and myself; I know that I am responsible for my choices and yet I so desperately desire to be a beacon of light and love for others. But it seems my own personal weakness has more power and instead of love shining through I find myself wracked with anger and overcome with a lack of self control.
I have began to meditate more and can honestly say I've felt amazing bodily responses which result in feeling lighter and feeling love, but then for example, later in the day a disagreement will occur and instead of taking the high road I find myself fighting with the same passion I feel towards love.
Then I feel so angry with myself. I forgive myself and recognize that this is all essential, there are no mistakes, and yet it is still so hard for me to accept that my ability to become that which I can be is trumped by my eagerness and desire to be that which I can be.
I would love to hear any suggestions from others here on how they actively use the opportunities presented to them for polarization to service to others. Thank you!
Love and light