It might surprise you Lulu, that I am quite "happy." Yes, I live each day with an insatiable hunger to achieve, perfect, and master myself and understanding. This feeling burns throughout me each day, radiating from my solar plexus filling me with vital hungry energy. But in this hunger and seeking there is a kind of joy and contentment. I live each day knowing I serve my purpose and that I will be a stronger better version of myself before I lay down to rest. Working towards perfecting and understanding the self is a religious experience for me, as these ministries directly serve the Creator.
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Zaxon, I'm glad your "happy" though it sounds like fluffly word for a person like you. Your comments are difficult for me as I know the world and know that it's problems, separations and it's many horrors come from the same exact extremes/desires and attitudes of lack of acceptance in ourselves therefore demanding a more perfect form. Insert a religious title along with a distorted word of a god instead of the word you use creator amongst those words you wrote and I have a flash back to any number of annihilations and mass carnage's and infernos of the experiences of all beings.
Taking any form of perfection to a "religious" experience seems to me, rather dangerous, even in its "finest forms". Do you remember the star trek episode where Wesley Crusher (beverly crusher, the doctors son) is going to be put to death on a "utopian" planet because he damaged plant life while catching a ball? Also the book "The Giver" comes to mind where another "utopian" society of perfection is controlled to what to me are disturbing degrees to maintain peace and order. What we demand in ourselves we judge and demand from others. Fortunately it is natural as children to rebel against control, however clearly there is only so much influence a child can have until it succumbs to the demands of the society it resides in and later becomes. Still, little by little there are always those who set themselves free, while the majority attempts to justify itself and takes a firmer grip.
I know at the heart of it, it's the freedom you seek, as you have said... Yet there feels a conflict. Freedom to me includes a lack of all attachments tangible and otherwise including ones as to how I perceive myself (perfect or not perfect). I suppose if I were in your shoes and feeling snarly like I wanted to kill someone, I too would desire to "control" myself. Seems to me total acceptance of that is what allowed you to gain that control or you probably wouldn't share it. When I went through my experiences I was highly threatened on a continual basis for awhile. I was on the other end of the killing machine where the being would play with me similar to how a cat toys with a mouse. In his fascination with me I was disabled just enough to struggle away and then be captured and then tormented and toyed with again. Of course I had to accept all my hated archetypes including victim female as I'm sure the being had to accept his draconian past (or whatever it was).
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I will ask of you only what I ask of anyone who wishes to know me. Do not anthropomorphize me. I do not say this vainly, but practically. Doing so simply is not informative and is usually misleading. Humanity as you know it has aways been alien to my inherent nature. I wear a human mask as I go about my day, but it is a mask that is no more apart of me than any other disposable tool. I see humanity as neither aspirational nor productive. As far as I am concerned there was no merger with regard to my walk-in, there was complete displacement. I am Zaxon, and no other.
When you say do not anthropomorphize me does that include what I wrote in my last paragraph? Apology if needed, yes I wouldn't like to be under dissection of a "cat" again, I know how that feels.
Certainly Zaxon is not your born name then? So you took over the body then it seems? Perhaps that is why your parents lavished attention on you, and it was impossible to bond. Now I think I understand "they felt you needed it" is that it? As you had a natural drive towards perfection with all of your goals so they tried to indulge you into a more relaxed beingness.
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I find it likely, that I hail from a social memory complex of the sixth density, with origins in negative polarity, come to convey the teachings of negative polarity to those inclined to learn it. Though reason and experience indicate this is probable, I likewise accept many other mundane explanations as probable, given the proper paradigm. I am not significantly invested in this aspect of knowing, because its metaphysical nature currently defies complete understanding.
It's true then your intentions were not to come here to learn to be human but rather to stimulate humans into more life-giving evolution (or something like that) in service to your creator. I do wonder if your creator is Ra? I have also experienced at least one big "god" (and a few pretender gods) but I did experience the god of the Jesus construct and it took me a little while to realize this is another part of the universe, not the actual combined SOULS god/creator. Almost like the god at the doorway from 6th to 7th. Perhaps we are even in a replicated part of the universe that was created by higher beings who wish to recreate it in there way "better" which then equals "for control".
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There are aspects of myself that I have not disclosed here, or at least have not disclosed widely to the forum. There was a time, before I developed discipline, that my emotions were much stronger and my aggression much more pronounced. There was on occasion, a primal snarl that would escape my lips when provoked, and images of bloody horror danced through my mind as delightful daydreams.
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lol, wow --your honesty shows your self acceptance. Not many people would share that omg!
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However, love and tender feelings were never a part of it. I have civilized my nature as I have grown older, and found calm within that storm. I am cold, calculated, and highly controlled now. But there was once a beast in my chest, dark in thought and long in tooth and claw. The coldness was there all the time, but there was also fiery aggression, violence, and anger. To continue your analogy, a proper description might be that I am a Klingon who learned Vulcan discipline.
well, thank god you adjusted and eventually found a suitable "mate"! I imagine the only human types that would be comfortable with any of that would have to have a very low self esteem and a readiness for neglect and/or possible abuse.
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I freely divulge the personal information requested since it does not jeopardize my identity. I dated very little before meeting my mate. I found people too "other" to even contemplate that sort of intimacy with. I was very much celibate and happy to be so, having far too little regard for other people and my sexual desires to engage in the messy and emotional entanglements associated with human sexual relationships. My few experiments with casual dating, to keep up the appearance of normalcy, were invariably disastrous. When these women peaked behind my mask they were inevitably horrified and frightened. My mate was different, in that she was so like me that I did not view her as "other," and she viewed me the same. She was comprehensible to me, rational, and clean. She too had been celibate and largely asexual before we met. She was the first person to evoke sexual passion in me, because she herself reflected me and my highest values. Without being too graphic, our sex life is quite dynamic, and enjoyable - as our strong red ray energies find expression, and our dedication to perfection ensures it never gets boring. I am strongly attracted to her, because of her strength. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever encountered, and she radiates health and vitality. But even this is eclipsed by her brilliant and incisive mind, that views the world just as I do. We value and love one another for our strengths, and our mutual dedication to reason, the pursuit of knowledge, and perfection of self. I am her mirror, and she is mine.
When I went through my spirit-world experiences so much came up about sex. Sexual repressions, sexual betrayals, sex as used, sex as a conduit for magic rituals etc. There are so many layers in our societies of sexual distortions. It seems because sex is what created us as beings to experience the pull of oneness returning to source it has been a powerful tool used as a form of control for so long. I was fortunate to have had experiences with this being that opened me up in new ways. A tool and place to work through past-life repressions. I would say any real perfection after that (to speak in your terms) would be towards learning to be more intimate/expressive/present/open including most importantly use of the breath.
I do wonder what sort of person I could possibly find myself attracted to these days. It sort of sucks! I was in a twenty year relationship where virgo meets virgo and has a virgo club together. We identified with each other perfectly, became great parent partners, business partners and friends for life. His scientific mind was attractive to me but later seemed closed down. At some point I felt sexually dead, and that part of life for me, is one of the best parts about being here on this otherwise boring planet. I no longer had a sexual desire for him, I had lost trust in his masculine presence for several reasons and him probably for me. Anyways upon my soon new freedom I had so many great sexual experiences that continued for three years, including staying in a community for awhile where human intimacy and sexual intimacy workshops were a huge part of very open resort. Now I'm sort of stuck in limbo, wintering like an anti-social hermit though I'm involved in social activities they feel more like my "job". Because I can see through facades, mirrors and projecting minds who could I find myself attracted to? _____________________________________________________
I have had encounters with emotional "F" creatures in the past - and broke every one of them. They were often drawn to me, when coldness slipped through my yet imperfect mask. They broke themselves against me, in their effort to find themselves inside me, where they did not exist. Each of these people tried to evoke emotions in me, in some vain hope to assure themselves that we are alike after all. What they more often found was cold indifference, and when they persisted too long and too aggressively, wrath. These people were then removed from my life for the continued health and happiness of all concerned. Of course I by no means intend this as threat, seeing as most of what occurs here is far too trivial to agitate me in any way. I merely say this as a statement of my history.
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Creatures!! LOL! Well it's good you had the experiences to understand your desires more, and so then now can be satisfactorily paired up now the imperfect mask as you say nearly gone? No easy thing in this world to pair up well especially for someone so scary as you! ;-)
Lulu
(sorry for the messy posting. The font choice and color didn't come up the way intended)
Hi there guys, yes haha it's MISTER Spock --oops! He was in the Original Star Trek series.
--and DR. spock is the parenthood/childhood educator.
both are rather outdated. :-)
"PLEASE CAPTAIN, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KLINGONS". ;-)