05-23-2013, 06:32 AM
Hello,
This is my first post here on Bring4th. I’m not sure if this is the right forum, so mods, please move it if need be. I’m posting to ask for guidance on spiritually sexual matters, and I hope that is allowed.
I’m gay, 19, and my journey on spirituality began after I came out to my parents about 4-5 years ago, when I laid my hands on a book called “Conversations with God”. My life since was changed forever. Earlier this year I came across The Law of One when reading Wikipedia’s article on Conversations with God. LOO’s foundational principle is exactly the same as that of CWG, which teaches “We Are All One”. Further searching led me to The Hidden Hand Material, which is also of Venusian heritage like that of LOO. I enjoyed the materials very much.
That’s a short summary of my spiritual journey. In recent months I am made aware of the concept of embracing one’s darkness. I used to deny ad repress my darker aspects, but lately I am getting closer and closer to the ideas of The Black Sun, Qlippoth (inverse regions of the Tree of Life), and embracing one’s Shadow. The idea of darkness being a positive force (like that of a loving mother’s womb) began to replace the idea of a terrifying abyss. I think that I can never love another truly unless I can love my self truly, which is to love myself unconditionally, which is to love myself as I am, which means to accept my own darkness (whew!).
It is embarrassing, confusing (for me), and sexual in nature, and dark. I really don’t know the direction to go about it, so I’d love to hear from someone with experience on their own confrontations with their darker sides. And I haven’t really shared my spiritual life with anyone, so this is all new to me. Please bear with me!
I believe that the basis of relationships must be Free Will. Namely, they must be mutual and voluntary. If those requirements are met I am all for it. I hold those beliefs very close to my heart, so I am really, really confused about my reactions to rape, torture and gore. When I read porn comics (can’t stand the thought of actual videos) on those themes, my feelings are generally negative, but my heart thunders and I have an erection. It’s intense, overwhelming, and really confusing. It’s like I feel repulsed from them but something draws me into it, to being raped, tortured, and cut wide open. I don’t even think about inflicting in on someone else, but I get an erection thinking about me being on the receiving end. God!!
I am a virgin, have never had sex with anyone, was never abused or raped, and have no desire to rape or abuse anyone, so that rules out the possibility of being influenced by past dramas. I am sexually interested in men from a very young age, long before my first contact with porn, so I am not “made gay” by porn, either. It’s how I’m born. Just earlier this year I came to terms with myself that I am of the passive, submissive side (not to be confused with being feminine, by the way. I like masculinity and I enjoy being masculine.), but I don’t understand how, if that is the case, being passive links to enjoy being abused, raped, and cut wide open (God I hate this feeling when I think of those things!!!).
One possibility is that there is something I’ve done, or done to me, in past lives that’s related to this. Or perhaps my denial and repression of being submissive have distorted those desires into the monsters they are now? Last year I read up on the Left Hand Path, and have read some books on Satanism and Luciferianism. But reading them makes me feel very, very sick! It’s the same feeling of repulsion I talked about earlier, and thank God without the erections. Those books are all about being superior by turning into God (the ruling and selfish and cruel and commanding type like that portrayed in the Bible, not the benevolent LOO Infinite Creator type), and that makes me feel ill. But the bits about facing, embracing and accepting your own darkness intrigued me. So I went and read more about it, which led me to the Tree of Life and its dark side, Qlippoth (correct me if I’m wrong!)
Again, reading about Qlippoth makes me feel SO ill and repulsive. Perhaps that’s because I have unconsciously trained myself to reject anything I have buried down in the deep recesses of my subconscious. Perhaps having been repressed so long and so deep, they are not aired, thus turned into the monsters they are now? I don’t really know.
And although I do want to embrace my shadow, as I think it’s inevitable and that I will never be whole unless I integrate the Shadow back into myself, with those very repulsive feelings about the dark, I cannot stomach the idea of descending into such a realm. And God, what if I lose myself in them? What if I am shocked into insanity? I don’t even want to think about that happening. I don’t know how one can face such massive negativity without losing oneself into it, or without it crushing oneself in the process. So I would really appreciate anyone have something to say, some experience to share about facing one’s own darkness, embracing it, and integrate it back into oneself.
Also, I’d love to have some pointers to techniques on past life regression. Some books on it maybe, so that I can study further. Is it somehow related to the astral plane? Can one time travel in the astral? I have some faint ideas on the astral but not this. Perhaps this conflict in me is linked to my past lives, and some pointers on it will be greatly appreciated.
With peace and love to you all.
This is my first post here on Bring4th. I’m not sure if this is the right forum, so mods, please move it if need be. I’m posting to ask for guidance on spiritually sexual matters, and I hope that is allowed.
I’m gay, 19, and my journey on spirituality began after I came out to my parents about 4-5 years ago, when I laid my hands on a book called “Conversations with God”. My life since was changed forever. Earlier this year I came across The Law of One when reading Wikipedia’s article on Conversations with God. LOO’s foundational principle is exactly the same as that of CWG, which teaches “We Are All One”. Further searching led me to The Hidden Hand Material, which is also of Venusian heritage like that of LOO. I enjoyed the materials very much.
That’s a short summary of my spiritual journey. In recent months I am made aware of the concept of embracing one’s darkness. I used to deny ad repress my darker aspects, but lately I am getting closer and closer to the ideas of The Black Sun, Qlippoth (inverse regions of the Tree of Life), and embracing one’s Shadow. The idea of darkness being a positive force (like that of a loving mother’s womb) began to replace the idea of a terrifying abyss. I think that I can never love another truly unless I can love my self truly, which is to love myself unconditionally, which is to love myself as I am, which means to accept my own darkness (whew!).
It is embarrassing, confusing (for me), and sexual in nature, and dark. I really don’t know the direction to go about it, so I’d love to hear from someone with experience on their own confrontations with their darker sides. And I haven’t really shared my spiritual life with anyone, so this is all new to me. Please bear with me!
I believe that the basis of relationships must be Free Will. Namely, they must be mutual and voluntary. If those requirements are met I am all for it. I hold those beliefs very close to my heart, so I am really, really confused about my reactions to rape, torture and gore. When I read porn comics (can’t stand the thought of actual videos) on those themes, my feelings are generally negative, but my heart thunders and I have an erection. It’s intense, overwhelming, and really confusing. It’s like I feel repulsed from them but something draws me into it, to being raped, tortured, and cut wide open. I don’t even think about inflicting in on someone else, but I get an erection thinking about me being on the receiving end. God!!
I am a virgin, have never had sex with anyone, was never abused or raped, and have no desire to rape or abuse anyone, so that rules out the possibility of being influenced by past dramas. I am sexually interested in men from a very young age, long before my first contact with porn, so I am not “made gay” by porn, either. It’s how I’m born. Just earlier this year I came to terms with myself that I am of the passive, submissive side (not to be confused with being feminine, by the way. I like masculinity and I enjoy being masculine.), but I don’t understand how, if that is the case, being passive links to enjoy being abused, raped, and cut wide open (God I hate this feeling when I think of those things!!!).
One possibility is that there is something I’ve done, or done to me, in past lives that’s related to this. Or perhaps my denial and repression of being submissive have distorted those desires into the monsters they are now? Last year I read up on the Left Hand Path, and have read some books on Satanism and Luciferianism. But reading them makes me feel very, very sick! It’s the same feeling of repulsion I talked about earlier, and thank God without the erections. Those books are all about being superior by turning into God (the ruling and selfish and cruel and commanding type like that portrayed in the Bible, not the benevolent LOO Infinite Creator type), and that makes me feel ill. But the bits about facing, embracing and accepting your own darkness intrigued me. So I went and read more about it, which led me to the Tree of Life and its dark side, Qlippoth (correct me if I’m wrong!)
Again, reading about Qlippoth makes me feel SO ill and repulsive. Perhaps that’s because I have unconsciously trained myself to reject anything I have buried down in the deep recesses of my subconscious. Perhaps having been repressed so long and so deep, they are not aired, thus turned into the monsters they are now? I don’t really know.
And although I do want to embrace my shadow, as I think it’s inevitable and that I will never be whole unless I integrate the Shadow back into myself, with those very repulsive feelings about the dark, I cannot stomach the idea of descending into such a realm. And God, what if I lose myself in them? What if I am shocked into insanity? I don’t even want to think about that happening. I don’t know how one can face such massive negativity without losing oneself into it, or without it crushing oneself in the process. So I would really appreciate anyone have something to say, some experience to share about facing one’s own darkness, embracing it, and integrate it back into oneself.
Also, I’d love to have some pointers to techniques on past life regression. Some books on it maybe, so that I can study further. Is it somehow related to the astral plane? Can one time travel in the astral? I have some faint ideas on the astral but not this. Perhaps this conflict in me is linked to my past lives, and some pointers on it will be greatly appreciated.
With peace and love to you all.