Depression?

[AnthroHeart]

Does one need to feel depressed to have depression?
I don't feel depressed. I feel like I love life.
But I also think about death, with a curiosity.
Like I could so easily copycat Robin William's death.
And not feel guilty about it.

But I care for those in my life who may be hurt by my departure.

Does thoughts of suicide always mean depression?
Because like I said I don't feel depressed.
Does this just mean I'm in denial?

Others say that I have so much to live for.
And I agree. I'm just curious about what lies beyond,
and Bashar says you can go anywhere and do anything
you want after death.

I enjoy my job, and I put up with my mother.
I enjoy my time with Loki.
And I have a good friend I chat with.
If I died he'd be depressed and feel empty he says.

I'm not seriously considering it. Just get so curious.
I have a joy in my heart right now.

This site says that suicidal thoughts mean you have more pain than you can cope with right now. But I don't have pain that I'm aware of.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm

I take medication that my psychiatrist says is for depression and anxiety. I do get anxious at times, but I don't really feel depressed. Unless sleeping a lot on the weekends is a sign of that too.

[anagogy]

No one is as qualified to appraise your experience as you, GW. You are the resident expert on your own perspective on life, the universe, and everything in it.

But always keep in mind, you can be curious about the other side (and even explore it) without casting off your physical shell. Curiosity is a wonderful thing.

Learn to astral project. You do a lot of sleeping anyways, right? Use it to your advantage. When you sleep, you withdraw your consciousness from this physical world. Learn to retain your consciousness and your memory and you can explore this curiosity of yours in a safe and non-permanent way. Just a suggestion.

It's also healthy to find curiosities to explore in the physical world. Curiosity is one thing, escapism is another. Take care.

[AnthroHeart]

All I know is I feed off these thoughts with excitement. That's about as far as I get.
I used to try astral projecting, but never got proficient at it.
Yeah, escapism is truly something else.
I love my life. I just get these nagging, exciting thoughts.
They're like adrenaline.
Thank you anagogy.

[xise]

GW, how do you know if you're suppressing your depressive thoughts in any given moment versus truly not having any?


One could say that suppression might result in day to day and week to week swings in feelings as suppressed depressive or other emotions come out in full force. One could say that truly not having any such feelings would show as continual peace, in the moment, over days and weeks.


Day to day, and week to week, have you noticed any patterns in your feelings and emotions?


It takes a lot of self-honesty to look at not only your current conscious mind, but also what you are holding onto in your unconscious mind. Sometimes you have to do some self-detective work to really figure out what's going on. We all suppress thoughts to some degree, as that's how we were all typically raised in this society, so it's nothing to be worried about, but something to be aware and take into consideration as try to discover our true self.

[Unbound]

Isn't the whole point of medication for depression usually to act as a neutralizer towards depressive feelings?

[AnthroHeart]

I'm sorry everyone for raising a fuss.

[xise]

I'm sorry everyone for raising a fuss.

I don't see you raising a fuss.

I see you trying to explore your own feelings and emotions in a deep, comprehensive way. And I think that sort of deep self-discovery is the bread and butter of any path of evolution.

[AnthroHeart]

My hygiene has gone downhill as of late due to laziness.

Thank you Xise. I am curious about my deepest feelings and emotions. I like to be honest with myself.
Even if it's uncomfortable. Though it hasn't been that uncomfortable. It's been rather exciting, discovering
this part of myself. It makes me want to live to see another day. As long as I'm alive there's still hope
for a better tomorrow.

[xise]

My hygiene has gone downhill as of late due to laziness.

Thank you Xise. I am curious about my deepest feelings and emotions. I like to be honest with myself.
Even if it's uncomfortable. Though it hasn't been that uncomfortable. It's been rather exciting, discovering
this part of myself. It makes me want to live to see another day. As long as I'm alive there's still hope
for a better tomorrow.

There is always hope brother, always. Believing in a better future in this life was essential to my self-healing and self-evolution.

You have the power to change your situation, even if you cannot see how. You are the Creator. Always remember that.

[AnthroHeart]

I no longer (for the moment at least) think that coming here was a mistake.
Even when my mom commands me to do things, I can be grateful for life.
Though it is still hard.

[AnthroHeart]

At least I don't suffer from chronic pain. The worst is a feeling like a bolt of electricity hitting my knees and traveling up my leg. It happens every so often.

Most of the time though when I get feelings they are ticklish. Like my whole body goes into tickle mode. I like those times, because it is interesting
feeling your insides being tickled.

I'm worried if I mention my suicidal thoughts to my psychiatrist then I'll be put on more expensive and harder medication. Even though I don't intend
to go through with them. But who knows? Earlier I was testing whether a belt can really be put in between a door frame and the door, like Robin did,
and found out that it can, and can support weight too.

I sometimes toy with death. When I was a kid, I found my dad's 357 magnum revolver. I put it to my head and pulled back the hammer using the trigger, till just before it went off, and then released it, and put the gun back. I wasn't looking to die. I just play roulette sometimes with my life. I've even electrocuted myself on purpose before to see what it felt like, when I was like 16 or so. Again, not to die, but out of curiosity.

---

Boy, my lungs feel like I've been poisoned.

[AnthroHeart]

I call my thoughts my happy suicidal thoughts. Because they make me happy. They are just thoughts.

[Unbound]

That doesn't seem morbid to you?

I mean I have had/used thoughts of self-sacrifice, but suicide seems so silly to me.

[AnthroHeart]

Who's to say if it's morbid or not.
The thoughts make me feel like I'm not trapped.

[Jeremy]

No thought is "just" a thought. For it to make an appearance means that some part of you has truly desired such an act. If such a thought is recounted enough, it can often manifest as a belief and potentially an actual choice.

You say you don't feel depressed but brother no one and I mean no one would contemplate such a thing if they weren't. It goes against all natural laws of survival to even think about going against ones own natural survival instincts. You say you're on meds for your schizo/depression/anxiety but they definitely don't seem to be working so maybe a change in meds are in order. It takes quite a while to find the right psych med combination. You also seem to have massve ebbs and flows akin to bipolar sufferers so I'm wondering if they need to tweak your combo to include something that would control the manic aspect of yourself.

[AnthroHeart]

I have concern that if I suppress my manic side, then all that will be left will be the depressive side.

Thanks for the feedback Jeremy and Unbound.

You're probably right that if this keeps up it might manifest as a belief. I don't want it to become realized.

Heck, even my avatar isn't helping soothe me now. Right now I think my avatar is stupid.

Your input has raised a lot of doubt in me.

I don't see my psychiatrist again till the end of September. Couldn't afford the co-pays.

I just don't want to be prescribed a strong narcotic or tranquilizer.

[Unbound]

I think you have some un-dealt with pain, my friend. There are parts of yourself you seem to blind yourself to out of comfort.

[AnthroHeart]

Indeed. I'm afraid of being alone (mentally) in the wide world.
Like no one could truly understand me.

My mom did good yesterday. She trimmed my beard which was growing out of control.
I think she wants what's best for me.

[Rake]

I would like to make the point that if you are depressed, IT IS A CHOICE. That isn't taking away from your depression but everything is a choice. I'v been depressed and I found it very hard and I felt so alone but looking back it was a beautifully dark and sombre experience.

You mention your relationship with your mother often, perhaps you should focus on seeing the creator within her.

You said 'no one could truly understand me'. I wrestled with this same problem through out my depression. I now realize the root of the problem was actually that I DID NOT UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I had an idea of who I was and what I wanted to be and when I did something out of my perceived character I was shocked and appalled at myself.

I would say if you want someone to truly understand you why not let that person be you? Who better to know yourself than yourself

Side note. Watch your thoughts carefully pick out negative thoughts. When they arise notice them and then think of a positive thought. Visualise that positive thought or situation and keep doing this eventually you reprogram your thought patterns it being more positive.

Feel free to PM if you ever need any help I know it can be so very challenging.

[AnthroHeart]

Sometimes I think I'm finding it hard. Other times it's not hard at all.
This depression is a sneaky devil.

[michael430]

[deleted]

[AnthroHeart]

I agree with Jeremy that a medication re-evaluation or deletion by your doc may help your depressed thoughts, Gem. I love your posts and your point of view so stick around please.

You can count on it. The feelings/thoughts are not all that overpowering. They don't get me down. Even the prospect of leaving Loki behind doesn't bother me. I just don't want to wander the Earth as a ghost in limbo.

[AnthroHeart]

I just learned there is no judgment except our own, so why am I so worried?

[Jeremy]

Because you think you aren't good enough for whatever reason

[AnthroHeart]

Because you think you aren't good enough for whatever reason

My mom has called me incompetent, and yet I'm a computer programmer.
I try to love her.

I sometimes think that heaven is too good for me, but I'm not bad enough for hell. But they don't really exist in the common sense.

[Unbound]

Buddy, you are incredibly intelligent and have a knack for simplifying wisdom.

[Plenum]

I have concern that if I suppress my manic side, then all that will be left will be the depressive side.

...
Your input has raised a lot of doubt in me.

I don't see my psychiatrist again till the end of September. Couldn't afford the co-pays.

I just don't want to be prescribed a strong narcotic or tranquilizer.

so you weren't diagnosed as Manic-Depressive?

[AnthroHeart]

I'm taking meds for bipolar.

[Horuseus]

and yet I'm a computer programmer.

What languages do you write in GW?

[kycahi]

I'm taking meds for bipolar.

Bring this up with your prescriber; perhaps an adjustment would improve things.

I was depressed for years and didn't know it, even after I observed a lot of talk about it, because I thought it meant being sad all the time and I just was always exhausted.

My RN sister said to consider it after I told her I took an apnea test and a thyroid test. I'm on two scrips now and supplements. Not perfect, but SO much better.