04-13-2014, 11:13 AM
I'm going through a very similar situation (though probably a decade older than you) so I figure I'll try to share my insight/experience-
My father recently wrote me an extremely aggressive email basically kicking me out of his life because of his disdain for my husband. This wasn't a huge surprise or loss, as we live about a quarter mile away from each other but prior to the email we only talked a few times a year. We've never been extremely close and he's a very emotionally closed off person. He works a hard physical labor job and spends most of his energy on that pursuit, his leisure time is very minimal and I know after a long time that can be wearying on an individual.
The catalyst for the "me or him" ultimatum was that my father got a divorce about a year ago, and apparently he was dissatisfied with the amount of attention I have given him in his misery. The fact is, his wife left him for a lot of reasons that I can only agree with. (when I lived at home she was a very miserable step-parent as well; the walking on eggshells feeling is very familiar - through the years she bettered herself, however) Our conversations after the divorce involved him being very angry and irate, venting, and blame-shifting, and my proceeding to attempt to calm him down amidst his misogyny and hate. Usually I was successful. I didn't go out of my way to fill in this role, but was there every time he called. They made an attempt at reconciliation about 6 months ago that didn't work out. I hadn't talked to him since.
My husband is everything to me, and unfortunately a couple years after moving out here to be with me, he got a back injury which has caused him to be unemployed almost since. This doesn't mean that he is unproductive, he has been writing a novel that he has almost completed, and is signed with a literary agent with a publishing company to find a publisher as soon as it's done. No one in my family recognizes this as legitimate, so in their eyes, he's the lazy mooch, etc. I truly wish that were the case, as he is in such pain daily that I often have to pick him up off the floor a few times a day. When he came into my life it wasn't long before he absorbed the role of "whipping boy" that I felt like I had had in my family unit for such a long time.
I don't live at home, technically, but I do rent my house from my grandmother, and my dad and my aunt are not very happy about that, as they'd rather sell the house and have the cashflow as opposed to the somewhat cheap rent that she allows me to pay. So for the two and a half years we have been here we have been harassed frequently in an attempt to make us uncomfortable with our living situation. On the other hand, my grandmother begs us to stay for as long as possible, because she knows as soon as we move out she loses hold of the one last thing she really owns, along with all of her personal items that we care for and store here in this home. It's not a fun situation and we finally hit the tipping point where I feel my service to my grandma has to be given up to better serve my husband and to get him away from my family that has chosen him to project upon.
Anyway I feel like I'm rambling, I am just attempting to commiserate and maybe share what my point of view is. I'm guessing your situation isn't as dire as mine, as being in my family has entailed a certain level of abuse most of my life, but what it probably comes down to is that your mother is jealous of the attention you are giving your girlfriend over her (especially if her husband is emotionally unavailable and you are probably like a sweet, soft pillow for her to rest her head). I also think that parents build up this idea of who they want their child to be and who they want their child to be with, and take it as a personal failure when these images don't jive with reality. Just remember between either of them that, if someone is trying to control your actions, this isn't the highest expression of love and service to others under the Law of One - most people don't consciously realize this, of course, but to frame it this way for yourself might be helpful. Choosing to serve in bondage is still a service, especially with family. However there is a higher expression of love for all that allows you to deny situations that are more harmful to you than they are helpful to others. An analogy might be say, an allergy. Someone finds out that they have a lactose allergy that causes indigestion. "But, I've been drinking milk every day of my life and just coping with the effects, I have no reason to change! Milk is delicious!" is a legitimate choice. However, another legitimate and probably more informed choice would be to learn how to cut the toxin out of your diet to see if it brings positive changes in your well-being. You are a sovereign being and you have the power to stand up and say "No" to any person or situation that causes you discomfort. You also most definitely don't have to choose between the two of them, but not choosing gives others the power to choose for you.
Some questions to consider to maybe help with your own integration:
Does what your mother have to say about your girlfriend reflect specific dissatisfactions with herself? Does what your girlfriend have to say about your mother reflect any of her own insecurities?
How do the insecurities that they have with each other reflect any insecurities you have with yourself?
My father recently wrote me an extremely aggressive email basically kicking me out of his life because of his disdain for my husband. This wasn't a huge surprise or loss, as we live about a quarter mile away from each other but prior to the email we only talked a few times a year. We've never been extremely close and he's a very emotionally closed off person. He works a hard physical labor job and spends most of his energy on that pursuit, his leisure time is very minimal and I know after a long time that can be wearying on an individual.
The catalyst for the "me or him" ultimatum was that my father got a divorce about a year ago, and apparently he was dissatisfied with the amount of attention I have given him in his misery. The fact is, his wife left him for a lot of reasons that I can only agree with. (when I lived at home she was a very miserable step-parent as well; the walking on eggshells feeling is very familiar - through the years she bettered herself, however) Our conversations after the divorce involved him being very angry and irate, venting, and blame-shifting, and my proceeding to attempt to calm him down amidst his misogyny and hate. Usually I was successful. I didn't go out of my way to fill in this role, but was there every time he called. They made an attempt at reconciliation about 6 months ago that didn't work out. I hadn't talked to him since.
My husband is everything to me, and unfortunately a couple years after moving out here to be with me, he got a back injury which has caused him to be unemployed almost since. This doesn't mean that he is unproductive, he has been writing a novel that he has almost completed, and is signed with a literary agent with a publishing company to find a publisher as soon as it's done. No one in my family recognizes this as legitimate, so in their eyes, he's the lazy mooch, etc. I truly wish that were the case, as he is in such pain daily that I often have to pick him up off the floor a few times a day. When he came into my life it wasn't long before he absorbed the role of "whipping boy" that I felt like I had had in my family unit for such a long time.
I don't live at home, technically, but I do rent my house from my grandmother, and my dad and my aunt are not very happy about that, as they'd rather sell the house and have the cashflow as opposed to the somewhat cheap rent that she allows me to pay. So for the two and a half years we have been here we have been harassed frequently in an attempt to make us uncomfortable with our living situation. On the other hand, my grandmother begs us to stay for as long as possible, because she knows as soon as we move out she loses hold of the one last thing she really owns, along with all of her personal items that we care for and store here in this home. It's not a fun situation and we finally hit the tipping point where I feel my service to my grandma has to be given up to better serve my husband and to get him away from my family that has chosen him to project upon.
Anyway I feel like I'm rambling, I am just attempting to commiserate and maybe share what my point of view is. I'm guessing your situation isn't as dire as mine, as being in my family has entailed a certain level of abuse most of my life, but what it probably comes down to is that your mother is jealous of the attention you are giving your girlfriend over her (especially if her husband is emotionally unavailable and you are probably like a sweet, soft pillow for her to rest her head). I also think that parents build up this idea of who they want their child to be and who they want their child to be with, and take it as a personal failure when these images don't jive with reality. Just remember between either of them that, if someone is trying to control your actions, this isn't the highest expression of love and service to others under the Law of One - most people don't consciously realize this, of course, but to frame it this way for yourself might be helpful. Choosing to serve in bondage is still a service, especially with family. However there is a higher expression of love for all that allows you to deny situations that are more harmful to you than they are helpful to others. An analogy might be say, an allergy. Someone finds out that they have a lactose allergy that causes indigestion. "But, I've been drinking milk every day of my life and just coping with the effects, I have no reason to change! Milk is delicious!" is a legitimate choice. However, another legitimate and probably more informed choice would be to learn how to cut the toxin out of your diet to see if it brings positive changes in your well-being. You are a sovereign being and you have the power to stand up and say "No" to any person or situation that causes you discomfort. You also most definitely don't have to choose between the two of them, but not choosing gives others the power to choose for you.
Some questions to consider to maybe help with your own integration:
Does what your mother have to say about your girlfriend reflect specific dissatisfactions with herself? Does what your girlfriend have to say about your mother reflect any of her own insecurities?
How do the insecurities that they have with each other reflect any insecurities you have with yourself?
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