Negative Wanderer.

[Louisabell]

My daydreaming consists of different scenarios I experience in my imagination which are usually triggered by dreams. I “see” different people with different lives, very specific characters whom I know, as it seems sometimes, much better than people around me because I feel them and their emotions through my own self. These differ and depend on my state of mind and being at the time this happens. Sometimes it doesn’t feel appealing to daydream, I don’t use my imagination in this way then; but in some time something can trigger deep immersion I then experience for days.

Very often I long for these people, they feel close. They can lift me up or drag me down, depends on a type of scenes I observe. For my aggression I have a very specific character I once saw in a dream. Very powerful type who helps me to express my violence and rage out through scenes I see him participating which let me feel that which I need to release resistance and achieve some kind of relief.

This to me sounds like you have some residual memory of living in a group dynamic that is a lot more harmonious and supportive. It also appears to me that you have a lot of potential as you recognize these higher virtues, and are desirous of being able to express them in 3D reality. Obviously the limitations of this experience are understandably difficult, but in general, limitations that are overcome tend to make one stronger, more disciplined, more inventive, etc. Therefore I see great opportunity in wanderin', not to say I find it easy.

Have always wanted to experience universal, unconditional love. I have experienced very brief moments of that… Pure emotion sweeping away any doubts, penetrating my mind with knowledge of innate wisdom and certainty that everything is always well. I am not able to get anything like this at times I want.

Are you able to produce this emotion by your own will? Or do you sooth yourself into it by saying something specific which helps to develop this feeling?

In my experience, the feeling of universal love is the default setting of consciousness. Therefore I do not will myself to feel universal love. It would be more accurate to say that I will myself on a pretty consistent basis to ignore distractions, and then unblock and balance the lower triad of energy centres so that vital energy can freely flow into the higher energy centres.

I have found the progression to yield exponential results, therefore the beginning starts pretty slow, but it gets easier as time goes on. I started by just making truth and universal love as values that supersede my personal comfort, then opportunities were presented to aid in my healing. It didn't always look positive on the outset, for example I spent quite some time watching YouTube videos on narcissism, especially hearing people's personal accounts of how they had been victimized by this personality structure. I started seeing narcissism everywhere, including in myself. It would seem that I was getting immersed into a pattern of blame and hate, but actually I was just processing and detoxing my confusion, anger and disgust at certain aspects of the human condition. When you accept it with understanding as a potential within yourself, you accept its existence in the world, and you essentially free-up that energy that was being used to push back against it.

Your Higher Self is going to know far better what is appropriate for you, for your unique situation. So I think looking to one's inner guidance will yield the more effective course of action. But I really relate to your story, including the type of childhood you had, and I believe I have some understanding of how destructive boredom can be. I wish you all the best on your journey!