Dark Night, Hatred, Shadow Work, and Acceptance(Please Pray for Me).

[Black Dragon]

It's not unusual how you feel, I think I've seen this exact post from a dozen or two other individuals across the span of this forum. I may have made it myself in the past. That isn't to diminish what you are experiencing but rather to point to perhaps a common condition and experience being shared between different individuated consciousnesses.

All I think I can say on this matter is that the way is through the shadow, not in it. Yet it will give you many false lights to follow. Look only to silence and listen only to your own voice as you command it to speak, negating all others.

You may benefit from the Heart Sutra:

The Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore

Avalokiteshvara
while practicing deeply with
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore,
suddenly discovered that
all of the five Skandhas are equally empty,
and with this realisation
he overcame all Ill-being.

“Listen Sariputra,
this Body itself is Emptiness
and Emptiness itself is this Body.
This Body is not other than Emptiness
and Emptiness is not other than this Body.
The same is true of Feelings,
Perceptions, Mental Formations,
and Consciousness.

“Listen Sariputra,
all phenomena bear the mark of Emptiness;
their true nature is the nature of
no Birth no Death,
no Being no Non-being,
no Defilement no Purity,
no Increasing no Decreasing.

“That is why in Emptiness,
Body, Feelings, Perceptions,
Mental Formations and Consciousness
are not separate self entities.

The Eighteen Realms of Phenomena
which are the six Sense Organs,
the six Sense Objects,
and the six Consciousnesses
are also not separate self entities.

The Twelve Links of Interdependent Arising
and their Extinction
are also not separate self entities.
Ill-being, the Causes of Ill-being,
the End of Ill-being, the Path,
insight and attainment,
are also not separate self entities.

Whoever can see this
no longer needs anything to attain.

Bodhisattvas who practice
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
see no more obstacles in their mind,
and because there
are no more obstacles in their mind,
they can overcome all fear,
destroy all wrong perceptions
and realize Perfect Nirvana.

“All Buddhas in the past, present and future
by practicing
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
are all capable of attaining
Authentic and Perfect Enlightenment.

“Therefore Sariputra,
it should be known that
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
is a Great Mantra,
the most illuminating mantra,
the highest mantra,
a mantra beyond compare,
the True Wisdom that has the power
to put an end to all kinds of suffering.
Therefore let us proclaim
a mantra to praise
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore.

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!”

https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat...anslation/

Thank you for sharing that. I will read it more than once and keep it on reference. There seems to be a certain energy(with a very calming character) to it beyond just the words or even the meaning of it. There are inspiring things and not so inspiring things from all Earth religions, and I don't consider myself affiliated with any one of them or another, though respect and study a bit from all. I have to say though, out of all of them, I'm a little more biased/connected with Buddhism than the others. This was very thoughtful, and I really appreciate your sharing it.

And no, I know it's not unusual for people with similar feelings and issues to come here and post basically the same spiel/rant as me. In fact, when I was lurking/browsing here a lot a few years back, I read a lot of those, some maybe with a bit more eloquence than mine, some with a bit less...I'll never forget the term "demiurgic buttpuppets", I really do adore that term and it made me laugh a bit when I read it, though I do feel really bad for the guy who posted it and what he was(is?) going through. I found some of those posts a bit extreme and thought if I ever got around to posting here I'd have something a bit more advanced and positive to share than that. Nope. Took a good look at myself and realized I'm pretty much in the same boat. I'll agree that while individual reasons, conditions, and details vary, these feelings and issues are archetypal stuff that like you said, is a common condition shared by many individual consciousnesses.

My reasons for laying it all out on the table and how I proceed from here is what will differ from some of those who posted these issues here before. I'm coming from the perspective of wanting to change, and I know the changes I need to make are with myself. I am not here to endlessly rant and spew resentment, or to argue against any and all help and input I receive here, as I saw in a couple situations in my lurking days. I'm here to heal, even if I have to move a bit out of my comfort zone to do so. I PM'd RitaJC and took her up on the offer to chat, leaving a huge wall of a backstory. This thread lays out what I feel, but the information I gave her goes into the why part as far as my life experiences, both inner and outer. At the same time I'm engaging people on here, I'm finding my own ways and methods to help with healing and shadow integration work. Since these are such archetypal themes and there are a lot of people either here now or who have posted in the past dealing with the same problems, I feel that healing these issues in myself will help create openings for them to do so as well.