How I interpret one of my life's most major catalyst...

[Adonai One]

Everything is acceptable. I make no demand from you. Please look to everything I have said: I have asked nothing by great imperative. I make only suggestions and make my feelings and desires known, not by force but just revelation.

Simply, I just find myself very frustrated by the ideal of endless justification of premises at an attempt to discuss something. People are looking for final solutions to problems that are not fully understood perhaps even by myself.

I believe all propositions are potentially true but I will not convict myself to any one of them.

I have one thing to work with: Bouts of serious silence (lack of talking) and depression in my earliest years (age of 7) of self-awareness in a very caring and loving household. I could not understand how anybody felt about me at the youngest age. I blamed my mother initially but I see clearly now that she is normal and loving. Something from a young age has disconnected me from basic intuitive and emotional capacities to form bonds and feel reality.

[Spaced]

Want to know a good way to build bonds and emotional connections with people and ground yourself in reality? (ahhh you're gonna hate this ) Do things for them when they ask you and/or work with them on a project or job.

[Adonai One]

I do things for people when I am in resonance with the things that are desired. I do not do otherwise as to do otherwise is to commit a hateful act towards the self. I managed to seduce a wife. I do things, Spaced. Do I need to learn self-sacrifice?

I've managed robotics teams, I've ran on track teams. I've done tons of team efforts with people praising me. I don't think that's my problem. If I gave you references to people I used to know, it would be clear I am very sociable; however, very emotionally quiet.

I can form bonds. I just cannot feel them.

My main code is I only do things I enjoy.

[Horuseus]

My main code is I only do things I enjoy.

Well, do it then. What seems to be the issue?

[Adonai One]

None. I am actually quite happy except for the fact I get emotional numbness consistently through the course of my life that causes significant distortion (pain) in my life when there is any period of great change. Thus, any activity for me is much harder than it is for most people especially what most people expect me to do. That is all I am trying to convey.

[Jeremy]

None. I am actually quite happy except for the fact I get emotional numbness consistently through the course of my life that causes significant distortion (pain) in my life when there is any period of great change. Thus, any activity for me is much harder than it is for most people especially what most people expect me to do. That is all I am trying to convey.

Are you sure this numbness that you feel isn't a defense mechanism based upon a fear to love or form attachment to something you love?

[Horuseus]

None. I am actually quite happy except for the fact I get emotional numbness consistently through the course of my life that causes significant distortion (pain) in my life when there is any period of great change. Thus, any activity for me is much harder than it is for most people.

Hmm, I'm assuming this resultant pain is mental rather than on a physical level right? Emotional numbness is always a defensive mechanism or a buffer/shell created to prevent one from dealing with certain issues. Obviously then in this case those issues are fear based at some level, even though that fear is 'masked' by other surface beliefs. Only you truly know your mind. While folk here can advise based on their own experience, it ultimately comes down to the individual willingness to address those imbalances in a conscious, authentic manner.

What I get is that you have created this emotional numbness, and you do it so well it's become second nature and seemingly 'autonomous' to you. I'm told for you to ask yourself when it started and you'll be led to the triggering scenario and subsequent belief patterns.

Edit: Jeremy beat me to it. Great minds think alike.

[Adonai One]

None. I am actually quite happy except for the fact I get emotional numbness consistently through the course of my life that causes significant distortion (pain) in my life when there is any period of great change. Thus, any activity for me is much harder than it is for most people especially what most people expect me to do. That is all I am trying to convey.

Are you sure this numbness that you feel isn't a defense mechanism based upon a fear to love or form attachment to something you love?

I have a wife. I have a committed bond to this forum. What do you think? I express my (limited) emotional capacity on here clearly. This theory is in contradiction to my very actions at this moment.

I love you guys dearly. It's funny to me to consider this at this point.

---

None. I am actually quite happy except for the fact I get emotional numbness consistently through the course of my life that causes significant distortion (pain) in my life when there is any period of great change. Thus, any activity for me is much harder than it is for most people.

Hmm, I'm assuming this resultant pain is mental rather than on a physical level right? Emotional numbness is always a defensive mechanism or a buffer/shell created to prevent one from dealing with certain issues. Obviously then in this case those issues are fear based at some level, even though that fear is 'masked' by other surface beliefs. Only you truly know your mind. While folk here can advise based on their own experience, it ultimately comes down to the individual willingness to address those imbalances in a conscious, authentic manner.

What I get is that you have created this emotional numbness, and you do it so well it's become second nature and seemingly 'autonomous' to you. I'm told for you to ask yourself when it started and you'll be led to the triggering scenario and subsequent belief patterns.

Edit: Jeremy beat me to it. Great minds think alike.

I'm young, sitting in the first car I've known. I look to a water tower in the distance. Everything is so dreary. Life is so dreary. Meaning is a confusing concept to me. Why am I here? Because I am. Everything feels distant and aloof. Nothing seems exciting with no apparent reason.

[AnthroHeart]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, but this is sharing. Sharing is a two way street my friend, you can't just make statements and expect us to accept them without question. Also you can't prevent us from developing our own opinions and sharing them, the fact that you are completely and utterly unwilling to entertain the opinions of others and your unwillingness to value our intelligence as equal to your own or engage us one the same level is evidence that you aren't interested in a reciprocal relationship with the members of this forum. We are here to teach/learn and learn/teach, you seem to be interested only in the teach aspect.

This is a catalyst that you are running into over and over again on this forum, have you considered why? And don't slough it off on others, this is YOUR catalyst, why does it keep presenting itself? We're just mirrors, what you see is your own reflection.

I agree I might be off in my assessment, but I wasn't passing anything on as Truth, just sharing my own perspective on the subject and I'm sorry if that's not acceptable.

This spoke to me as well. It's refreshing to have a new view on deeper issues.

---

Everything is so dreary. Life is so dreary. Meaning is a confusing concept to me. Why am I here? Because I am. Everything feels distant and aloof. Nothing seems exciting with no apparent reason.

I used to feel this way, but I got in touch with a long time friend. We talked for an hour, and I'll be visiting him next week. Life is looking up for me. However, we both have schizophrenic issues. Still, I have a love of life. It's not quite exciting all the time, but there are times.

[ScottK]

Just out of curiosity Adonai, would you consider yourself to be a Sovereign Entity?

[Adonai One]

Sovereignty is inherent. It's a redundant concept. To assert sovereignty is to assert what already exists. I consider myself sovereign in all things.

[Horuseus]

I'm young, sitting in the first car I've known. I look to a water tower in the distance. Everything is so dreary. Life is so dreary. Meaning is a confusing concept to me. Why am I here? Because I am. Everything feels distant and aloof. Nothing seems exciting with no apparent reason.

http://www.sacred-texts.com/myst/myst/myst20.htm

[Jeremy]

I'm young, sitting in the first car I've known. I look to a water tower in the distance. Everything is so dreary. Life is so dreary. Meaning is a confusing concept to me. Why am I here? Because I am. Everything feels distant and aloof. Nothing seems exciting with no apparent reason.

http://www.sacred-texts.com/myst/myst/myst20.htm

This is so crazy as I just read about dark night of the soul and ego death on a completely different site.

[Adonai One]

There is no reason for me to experience that at the age of 8 in a stable household except for two possibilities: Biological defect and/or metaphysical phenomenon. I'll let the seeker take their pick.

[reeay]

Adonai - re: what you told us in chat - do you believe we're not understanding you as a person or that we are not understanding your philosophy? It would be helpful if you'd let us know. Thanks

[Adonai One]

The former.

[reeay]

Is this why you need to numb yourself bc it's painful to be misunderstood and such?

[Horuseus]

There is no reason for me to experience that at the age of 8 in a stable household

There was a reason I included that piece of literature, and it isn't something you go through as a Child. I'll paste some excerpts to help make it clear for you as granted, it's a lengthy read:

We have already noticed the chief psychological characteristics of all normal mystical development. We have seen that its essence consists in the effort to establish a new equilibrium, to get, as it were, a firm foothold upon transcendent levels of reality; and that in its path towards this consummation the self experiences a series of oscillations between “states of pleasure” and “states of pain.” Put in another way, it is an orderly movement of the whole consciousness towards higher centres, in which each intense and progressive affirmation fatigues the immature transcendental powers, and is paid for by a negation; a swing-back of the whole consciousness, a stagnation of intellect, a reaction of the emotions, or an inhibition of the will.

who has described with much elaboration of detail her symptoms and sufferings during the oncoming and duration of the Night—or, as she calls its intensest period the Mystic Death—traces its beginning in short recurrent states of privation, or dullness of feeling, such as ascetic writers call “aridity”: in which the self loses all interest in and affection for those divine realities which had previously filled its life.

This is a complete emotional lassitude: the disappearance of all the old ardours, now replaced by a callousness, a boredom, which the self detests but cannot overcome. It is the dismal condition of spiritual ennui which ascetic writers know so well under the name of “aridity,” and which psychologists look upon as the result of emotional fatigue

In other words, this phase you're going through is a necessary transition. Yes, this may have been something you felt all your life, though you're at that precipice where you can consciously move forward and address said imbalance.

except for two possibilities: Biological defect and/or metaphysical phenomenon. I'll let the seeker take their pick.

The fact that this scenario 'started' at the age of 8 lends itself to the idea of preprogrammed catalyst, or in other words, a lesson/challenge you consciously decided to set yourself, so neither.

Even if it were a biological defect, the probability is known prior to incarnation and taken into account. I'm not sure of the practical implications of this either, unless you're insinuating a physical defect within the mind inhibiting the feeling of emotion?

[Adonai One]

Is this why you need to numb yourself bc it's painful to be misunderstood and such?

No. I don't numb myself.

Horuseus, the "programmed catalyst" in my case is my guidance allowing this to occur it seems. My wife will explain further soon. I am certain it's an entity due to some empirical episodes both I and my wife have experienced, which she will note.

Also, not everything is known. The universe isn't deterministic completely. All possibilities are known but not the path.

[vervex]

There is a thread which I created on another forum 2 days ago. I did not share it here initially as I did not feel comfortable discussing such private matters so openly. However since Immanuel has brought up his side of the experience, I thought "why not". Writing this helps me make sense of some recent and older events. Immanuel and I have been through a lot and while we do our best to remain grounded and positive, we face moments of puzzlement in front of the numerous events that we encountered this past year. If you have time and if you are interested in reading it, here it is: http://www.tealtribe.com/t/about-possession/5413

Keep in mind it is but one interpretation of the issue we are facing. This is perhaps a fraction of all which has happened but it touches most of the core experiences we had as well as the understanding we have of it at this time, seen through my eyes. I welcome feedback if you have any. Thank you

EDIT: If link is broken, try clicking here (this would be a link to the last post - I suggest scrolling up to the top to read that one as well).
EDIT 2: If it still doesn't work (the mysteries of the world wide web are quite appalling today!), try copy/pasting this: tealtribe.com/t/about-possession/5413
And if this doesn't work, well... I have no clue hahaha
EDIT 3: Alright, try this folks! https://drive.google.com/file/d/0By7TcEh...sp=sharing

[Adonai One]

I'm not sure of the practical implications of this either, unless you're insinuating a physical defect within the mind inhibiting the feeling of emotion?

Plausibly.

[Horuseus]

There is a thread which I created on another forum 2 days ago. I did not share it here initially as I did not feel comfortable discussing such private matters so openly. However since Immanuel has brought up his side of the experience, I thought "why not". Writing this helps me make sense of some recent and older events. Immanuel and I have been through a lot and while we do our best to remain grounded and positive, we face moments of puzzlement in front of the numerous events that we encountered this past year. If you have time and if you are interested in reading it, here it is: http://www.tealtribe.com/t/about-possession/5413

Keep in mind it is but one interpretation of the issue we are facing. This is perhaps a fraction of all which has happened but it touches most of the core experiences we had as well as the understanding we have of it at this time, seen through my eyes. I welcome feedback if you have any. Thank you

Hmm. I know a guy I can ask for you Tina, or you can ask him yourself directly. Can you PM me your full names please?

[ScottK]

Sovereignty is inherent. It's a redundant concept. To assert sovereignty is to assert what already exists. I consider myself sovereign in all things.

You may *consider* yourself sovereign, however, without question, others are claiming sovereignty over you. That's how the darkside operates - they get you to agree or contract with them in a way that takes away your sovereignty - most definitely deceptively, but they claim authority by the deception.

At least, that's how it works in physical reality, but I would certainly imagine that's the way it works in spiritual realms as well.

[Horuseus]

Horuseus, the "programmed catalyst" in my case is my guidance allowing this to occur it seems. My wife will explain further soon. I am certain it's an entity due to some empirical episodes both I and my wife have experienced, which she will note.

Well, I find there's always a certain amount of free will involved, and I guess the Law of Confusion could apply as well. That being said, if one of you guys can drop me a PM with your names and I can ask a friend who'll have you scanned.

Also, not everything is known. The universe isn't deterministic completely. All possibilities are known but not the path.

Right.

[reeay]

Do you understand others? it's like 'we are all bozos on the same bus' type of deal.

[Adonai One]

Sovereignty is inherent. It's a redundant concept. To assert sovereignty is to assert what already exists. I consider myself sovereign in all things.

You may *consider* yourself sovereign, however, without question, others are claiming sovereignty over you. That's how the darkside operates - they get you to agree or contract with them in a way that takes away your sovereignty - most definitely deceptively, but they claim authority by the deception.

At least, that's how it works in physical reality, but I would certainly imagine that's the way it works in spiritual realms as well.

I don't work within the concept of light and dark at this time.

There are those whose will is far greater than my own in regards to my life. I do my best to serve such a relationship with all parties considered.

[Jeremy]

That link is broken Tina

[Adonai One]

Do you understand others? it's like 'we are all bozos on the same bus' type of deal.

I consider the potential truth of what others provide, yes.

[reeay]

Do you understand others? it's like 'we are all bozos on the same bus' type of deal.

I consider the potential truth of what others provide, yes.

Sorry you lost me there.

[Adonai One]

Do you understand others? it's like 'we are all bozos on the same bus' type of deal.

I consider the potential truth of what others provide, yes.

Sorry you lost me there.

Given the anecdotes of people's life experience, I will consider the potential likeness of our interpretations of reality. If there are similarities an understanding may form.