help!! advice please!!!!

[MDL5]

i love my girlfriend very much she loves me we have plans for our entire lifes together we are happy with eachother and sososos in love and have been talking for 11 months and been together a while and plan to move into a place together in about 9 months and she recently well i told her to block a guy on facebook she said she did but when i looked she didnt and i blocked him and i over looked that, then this is going to sound weird but i just have to say it how it was so i can get advice, we have had sex together but recently we were about too and she said she was not in the mood and i said ok thats fine and there usually some excuse as to why she doesnt want to so i brought it up and she cried and then she said that she had sex with 2 other guys b4 me and i know this and we have had sex but she made a promise to her mom and to god that she would wait until she is married or found the right one or legally an adult or sumthing and then i said im cool with that i will wait buuut now that i think about it that means every single time i asked her why she didnt want to do it she lied to me...every time i asked here and she say some reason and id say are you sure thats why? and she wud say yes, there fore lying to me every time. she said she felt like i wud think she is stupid if she told me truth and im a really good guy obviously i wudnt and i think she knos that and i treat her so good AND well i just want to know if i should break up with her because she lied to me because it makes me feel like if she ever did somthing bad to me like flirted with another guy or cheated on me or sumthing she wud jus lie to me and i wud never kno. i dont think she wud ever do that but now that i see she has lied its hard for me to trust her to not lie again and trust is like number 1 to me...so i dont know what to do.. i mean we r both madly in love and want our lifes together and its jus i dont want her to lie about anything to me and idk if i can trust her not to now.. what should i do??? please good honest advice will be sooo appriciated thank you

[isis]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_relationship

[Phoenix]

I don't see how there is anything you can do. You can have faith that she is a good person and it will be alright. I am unskilled in these matters.

[Adonai One]

Check to see if she is actually interested in the relationship you desire. If not, quit.

[third-density-being]

I think it's best to accept that nothing is black and white. Than You can start to finding-your-Self in many different shades of gray.
We are imperfect and as once I was told, Love is not "because of something" but "despite" of this "something(s)".
Not-blocking someone on social network might be simply an overlook - or it just wasn't so important to Her as it was to You - therefore not "your amount of weight" was putted to it. Second case is "Opening Self" to/before You. It's not always "simply" or "quick" process. It's so individualized. I would not recommend clothing this in "simply/schematical categories" (truthfulness / lack of truthfulness) but as Unique and therefore Deeply Individualized Case/Occasion. Each Othe-Self is Unique. What You're experiencing with your Lady, You will never again experience with Anyone else. One of the life/existence time experience.
I would say that key is to differentiate at quite high/deep level in your Perception - so You would be able to actually See Her as She really Is.

Hope I didn't crossed any lines with above.


Best I have in me for You.

[Bring4th_Austin]

Romantic relationships are really tough catalyst that can help us get to the bottom of our ideas of attachment, enlighten us as to cultural expectations to see if they're in alignment with our own, and teach us about what unconditional love is or can be. These lessons can be so tough because they're easy to rationalize, i.e. "we want different things so we probably shouldn't be together" or "you cannot fulfill what I want in a relationship so I cannot be with you." Seems like it should be easy to act based on such rational decisions, but the feelings always get the better. We find ourselves acting out of the strong passion we have for a person and ignoring the rational decisions. I've been in situations similar to what you are describing and I know how painful they can be, but I am honestly more grateful for them than any other catalyst I have had because they definitely helped me understand my individual self more than any other lesson I've gone through.

The tough part is trying to figure out what attachments you are hanging up on another person that aren't fair. I believe you are both young, and balancing honesty and compassion is probably hard for her. It's completely possible for a person to love someone and want the best for them, yet still follow their desires in a direction which would hurt that person, and then feel like they need to lie to protect the other person. This is a human behavior and while it may be immature, I don't think it makes someone a bad person. But your role is to figure out why you aren't able to walk away from a situation where you feel your needs are not being fulfilled. You deserve a relationship with honesty, and she's proven that she cannot offer that to you, but you are still attached to the romance.

That attachment is what I had to follow to discover my "true self," how ideas of relationships, love, trust, honesty, ethics, were all planted in my mind from culture and I had not dug deep enough to find out what I truly felt - I was feeling the attachments placed on me by society. For me, simply discovering these attachments and meditating regularly allowed them to melt away easily. For some people there is a bit more work involved with releasing attachments. And some people don't want to let go of attachments, and that's fine, but it must be recognized that the suffering you are experiencing is due to the attachments. I personally have found myself much more able to be happy and have genuine relationships, romantic and otherwise, after discovering these attachments and letting go.

So maybe that would work for you? Try to discover your internal dynamics in the situation and figure out if there are any ideas of love, relationships, or honesty which aren't truly yours, which cause attachments that might be causing you to suffer? When I was entangled with a person in a similar fashion to how you describe, once I was able to release these attachments, I was able to feel complete love for her and let her do as she desired without being upset about it, whether it was dating other people or even lying to me about it. I could still love her if she lied, but I had to set boundaries on our relationship which necessarily stopped before romance. But I wasn't upset about it, I felt free and happy, and have since gone on to be extremely happy with my beliefs about relationships, no matter my relationship status. (Not to say there aren't challenges, but I feel much more able to explore them and learn from them freely now that societal baggage is dealt with.)

I hope this might help some.

[MDL5]

thanks so much people you are all great n givin me lots of things to think about and act in the right way thanks!!

[xise]

I'm no relationship expert. But it sounds like she's lied to you in the past, and only came clean when you caught her. That's a fairly large lack of integrity.


I think honest communication is important. I also think it's rare (but possible) for a person who has trouble with the integrity in relationships to change while in a relationship, but I think it's very difficult. Changing one's integrity on core issues is a deep personal change. Usually, time alone, and outside of a relationship is important for that sort of change.


If you want to maximize your chances of actually being with her in the long term, I think you want to strongly consider taking a break from the relationship and be apart for 6 months. Let her explore her desires regarding sex, fidelity, integrity, and her true feelings toward you on her own. If she truly wishes to change, this period will help her do so. This also lets you get perspective on all of this as well. Think of it as an insurance policy as well. If it needed, then great. If it was not needed, then at least you played it safe. If you guys are truly meant to be, 6 months apart is not going to change things.


Good luck friend. Relationship stuff can be brutal.

[vervex]

Dear MDL5,

It seems you are experiencing doubt in your relationship. This is perfectly normal and I believe many of us have been there at one point or another. We love our significant other and we fear losing them. That is the nature of attachment. Being aware of this fear is the first step to help resolve it. In all cases, my advice will always be the following: communication.

Before being married, I was in a relationship with a man for 9 years. Our relationship was stable and based on friendship. Where it failed was in communication, specifically lies. So I can relate to a certain extent with the situation you've described in your opening post. In my previous relationship, I discovered as the years passed by that my partner was hiding things from me and making up stories to keep me from asking too many questions. He would go as far as denying issues all together, hiding his feelings from me and, ultimately, from himself. It worked for a time; until the relationship came to a halt and began stagnating. In the case of my previous partner, his lies were not malicious but rather important emotional blockages which he kept hidden and categorically refused to discuss. I understand your current girlfriend lied to you and you are afraid she might lie to you again. My advice would simply to ask her about it and invite her to express herself freely in the relationship. You cannot force someone to open up but you can do your best to let her know she is being supported and loved, no matter what she expresses. She might have lied because she felt ashamed or scared, and could not accept herself fully in that situation. As a partner, we can offer support. Ultimately, if the person refuses to express themselves and keeps hiding themselves from you in matters which involve and affect the both of you, the nature of the relationship may need reviewing. There is only so much you can do on your side.

Before finishing, I'd like to add another note based on experience. Unconditional love is essential to a stable, loving and growthful relationship. That being said, it does not mean self-sacrifice. In my experience, the right balance resides in joining self-respect with unconditional love. Allow me to share the story of a man that is very dear to me, my father; he is a great guy, outgoing and always available to help others around him. He has been with my mother for over 26 years now. On its face, he seems like a very balanced person who is welcoming and easy to forgive. The truth is a bit less glamorous however; although he is unconditionally loving, he does not have much self-respect. He has remained 26 years with my mother while sacrificing opportunities for growth and self-exploration in a stagnant relationship. My mother travels at least once a year to the south by herself and meets up with other men. She has admitted to me in the past that she was never truly in love with my father, referring to him more as a best friend. In fact, they got together after he fell in love with her, they had sex and she was pregnant with me, leaving her at the time with little choice if she did not want to raise a child by herself. While them having an "open relationship" is not an issue unto itself, the fact that my father accepts her without expressing his desires, dreams and expectations, burying them within himself, causes him to remain stagnant and unconscious of parts of himself. He loves her enough to accept her desires but he does not love himself enough to acknowledge his own. There lies the danger. A relationship is made of two people; how can there be a real relationship if one of the two partners refuses to relate to the other or, just as bad, if a partner will not relate to themselves first?

I hope you find the answer you seek. Good luck!

[Adonai One]

Boo stagnation. Boo self-sacrifice. Boo self-suppression. Boo giving up on what you want at the cost of sustaining a relationship -- personal or business. Life is too short to sell it to the first and lowest-bidder.

If you're unhappy and don't see it becoming better in the mid-term, quit. Get what you want in life and nothing less.

[xise]

When you think about, unconditional love by definition includes loving the self.

If the self is not loved, but all others are, then by definition that is conditional love - the condition being that you will love anyone except yourself.

[MichaelD]

In my experience, trust is hard to regain once it's been lost. Your OP is very convoluted though. You say she has basically been lying to you the entire time about the sex thing. Then you go on to say how could you trust her, that she could cheat or whatever and lie about it and you would never know, but you say you don't think she would do that. Why wouldn't she lie more if she has before.

I think it is well to consider why you want this relationship and what you hope to achieve by being in it. My opinion is neither of you are clear in this matter. You say you are 'sososo' in love, when in actuality it seems you are simply infatuated with her. Love can be defined partially by a sense of a freedom. If I love someone then I want them to be totally free, free to be who they are, whatever that means. Does this sound like your relationship?

First of all, take a deep breath. And a few more. You are very young and relationships can easily make you feel like your life is ending/beginning. I've been there. While it may indeed could be an immensely powerful relationship, the truth is all will be well regardless of the relationships existence. You are both creators and both are equal parts of the one creator.

[Billy]

Does unconditional love actually exist? I don't mean to be rude, but the love talked about in this thread and in the world seems to always come with some conditions. I find it hard to believe that someone can love another without ANY conditions.

[xise]

Does unconditional love actually exist? I don't mean to be rude, but the love talked about in this thread and in the world seems to always come with some conditions. I find it hard to believe that someone can love another without ANY conditions.

A perfect line does not exist, yet the concept of a perfect line has helped us understand math and build better creations since the dawn of time.


To answer your question, I think it's irrelevant whether unconditional love exists in 3d (but I think its very close to possible if not possible - just look at Christ).


The relevant question is whether the concept of unconditional love in 3d has useful, practical, applications for dealings with the self or with others. And the answer to that is a resounding yes.

[Adonai One]

Does unconditional love actually exist? I don't mean to be rude, but the love talked about in this thread and in the world seems to always come with some conditions. I find it hard to believe that someone can love another without ANY conditions.

You're free to talk to me and be with me any time without any conditions. Although I will probably run away for a little awhile if you try to stab me. In that case, feel free to call me though. You can do anything and I'll talk to you.

---

Same applies for everyone.

[AnthroHeart]

I've been shot in dreams and I just gave myself over to them. I had no fear or pain. And I died in them. Twice in the head. It was such a relief that I didn't disappear.

[Plenum]

i mean we r both madly in love and want our lifes together and its jus i dont want her to lie about anything to me and idk if i can trust her not to now.. what should i do??? please good honest advice will be sooo appriciated thank you

no advice from me ... but good luck on things!

I'm sure you got this MDL5 - what does that stand for anyway?

[BlatzAdict]

also this doesn't sound like you are even ready to be in a relationship. it doesn't sound like you love this person very much because of all the expectations and fear you put into it, is the very thing driving the two of you apart.

---

you sound like a very controlling person.

[manniz]

Mod Edit: The conversation that evolved from this post on the subject of torture was split off into a new thread beginning here:
http://www.bring4th.org/forums/editpost.php?pid=160800

Does unconditional love actually exist? I don't mean to be rude, but the love talked about in this thread and in the world seems to always come with some conditions. I find it hard to believe that someone can love another without ANY conditions.

In my opinion, it exists at some point in our journey, even if that point comes after quite a bit of struggle. Though, from a practical perspective, many claim that yeah they already have it. But then, one life in a third world country will change their perspective. Get caught up in a civil war, tortured in captivity and then lets see, who still manages to have that unconditional love. If someone claims that they have complete unconditional love on Earth as of now, I would seriously doubt that claim. A little change in environment will change such claims very fast.

Though, there are souls, who may seem to be very close. When you meet them, you will know it. In my opinion, such souls will also be so humble that they would not see any point in laying a claim to their unconditional love.

Also, if you come across good quality weed, you can always feel/claim unconditional love, but more likely than not it will be a transient claim.