As of Friday, August 5th, 2022, the Bring4th forums on this page have been converted to a permanent read-only archive. If you would like to continue your journey with Bring4th, the new forums are now at https://discourse.bring4th.org.
You are invited to enjoy many years worth of forum messages brought forth by our community of seekers. The site search feature remains available to discover topics of interest. (July 22, 2022)
x
|
03-24-2017, 11:39 PM
(03-24-2017, 10:41 PM)SMC Wrote: this is frustrating for me because I care - but I will stop replying if you want - hey yo pm about this stuff this thread is coordinate_apotheosis oriented
03-25-2017, 12:19 AM
(03-24-2017, 11:39 PM)sjel Wrote:(03-24-2017, 10:41 PM)SMC Wrote: this is frustrating for me because I care - but I will stop replying if you want - my last post says we could consider not discussing it here... we don't need you moderating us - also Gemini's situation is related to what CA originally posted and I've already posted a long caring reply to (CA) with ideas and feedback - ffs
03-25-2017, 04:09 AM
(03-24-2017, 11:39 PM)sjel Wrote:(03-24-2017, 10:41 PM)SMC Wrote: this is frustrating for me because I care - but I will stop replying if you want - Oh God please no. Any act of care is welcome in any thread of mine, especially the kind SMC is offering, no worries Sjel. Besides, a thread focusing on solely me would be...Embarrassing :-/ No worries SMC. (03-24-2017, 04:18 PM)Nicholas Wrote: Hey Brother, Sometimes I feel like I'm going to end up parenting my Mom eventually. I don't look forward to it. I honestly... Eh, sigh... What am I truly frightened of? It's stupid. (03-24-2017, 12:10 PM)Diana Wrote: Dear CA, break the inertia in any way you can. I'm sure you understand what I mean by that, as, as many here have noted, you are intelligent. Don't settle. You have the love and support of everyone here. You know, for such an 'intelligent' person I have done some highly unintelligent things. I could have avoided my FASFA loans defaulting and I was too scared of making a few phone calls to do that. I could have gotten Food Stamps by now probably but I'm too scared to go in and through the process. All of which I could have been smart enough to play the system or get a friend or someone to help me but no. I'm not 'intelligent', I just know how to act smart...When it comes down to it, I don't know anything about anything for real. I don't feel intelligent or smart. I really don't. An intelligent person makes something of their life, pulls through things like loneliness and isolation, smart people find a way. Or more, I would call myself metaphysically intelligent, in areas of beauty and thoughts and some of logic. But, I don't even know how to pay bills. I couldn't fix a broken pipe or a wall outlet, don't even know how to patch a hole in a wall or sew a hole in clothes. I can't even get a garden. Intelligent, thanks. Maybe I'm just in the wrong kind of mood to receive compliments because I didn't take it so good. In fact, in all honesty, I'm horrified. No one's ever shown me love or support on an emotional level with few short exceptions, I don't know how to react or respond. Like...I'm happy, but people caring about me. Just makes me feel bad, like I'm wasting all of everyone's time. If I was smart I'd not have dropped out of college. I wouldn't have a son I don't know anything about. I wouldn't be in debt with an eviction and extremely bad credit, wouldn't be living with my mother without a job for so long. I'd have learned a second language by now, I'd know how to actually program something, I'd be able to build a computer, finish writing a book. Maybe it's just another paradox, I'm smart with some things and stupid with others? (03-24-2017, 11:31 AM)Spooner Wrote: I know this is hard but you need to get out of there. You're in an abusive situation. I can arrange to put you up someplace for a while, it may be just a tent in a backyard in socal but it'll be better than being abused. I can get you a greyhound or something. PM me if you're interested. I'm serious. Greyhound like a dog? As lovely as living in a tent sounds, I'd rather live in one out in the wilderness Nomad style. The offer is generous, I'll keep it in mind but honestly, I'm not sure I should bother trying anything at all. I see this as my problem, living with my mom, and I feel like I'm supposed to figure it out on my own... That I need to find a friend to move in with and make things work, manage to find a job that won't drive me so insane I quit, and just manage to live my life a bit independently... Though to be honest, I don't know if I'm capable of such sometimes when I look back at the last time I lived on my own (with a pregnant girlfriend). Continuing in another post--
03-25-2017, 05:27 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019, 08:15 PM by earth_spirit.)
-----
03-25-2017, 06:21 AM
(03-24-2017, 07:45 AM)SMC Wrote: C A - I feel very hopeful for you from your reply! - you're 'just' 24 I'm going to just share myself with you openly, you might not like my attitude. I struggle extremely with anxiety, racing thoughts, racing heart, sweaty and unable to catch my breath. Walking in to a place, talking to a manager about a job used to be so easy, but then one after another, all telling me they're not interested. Suddenly the idea of walking into a place dressed up, groomed, resume in hand, with a fresh brushed smile and a light scent of cologne no longer seems feasible to me. Like it's just a waste of time because no one would be interested in me anyways. I haven't gone to an agency because I'm honestly so nervous about having another find me a job that I can't bring myself to actually go and do it. In every interview I've had, I have noted. The interviewer is happy and smiley mimicking me, until I mention that I was to work in a place of integrity, to have dignity in my work and pride in my job. Then the smile fades, and I can just tell they already decided. And the best part is when they lie to you about it, let you know that they'll call you, or say they're interested and then avoid all of my follow-ups. People treat me like a kid, my friends, my mom. Sometimes I feel like ever since I learned I was autistic, they treat me like I'm stupid or something... Or maybe I've just become really sensitive or paranoid. I don't know, but I identify as a Child At Heart, someone who never grew up. Language, as an autistic kid, was alongside my speech, my worst subjects in school. To this day I speak with a slight slur like I'm drunken, I don't enunciate, I have 'lazy' speak my mom calls it. I also stutter sometimes when I'm nervous, but not a severe stutter but enough to be noticeable. I'm okay with language, I understand I grasp it well in the creative ways. I do not comprehend much on language beyond that. I get etymology and the ideas behind words but I never understood how a language is formed, how specific sounds become methods of communication. I don't get the 'how' or 'why' of Language. I'm selfish like anyone else, most usually my requests of others are selfish desires of my self, even if they're in the right place in heart, it doesn't change the fact I view my caring as a form of survival mechanism due to learning to be helpless and hopeless. I often wonder since I was bullied a lot and ended up for a while being a bit of a bully myself in Senior year of high school, if my kindness would even exist were I not always treated poorly. As for intelligence, I'm nothing special. People say I have talent, I can't even learn how to play a piano or remember how to read sheet music. Or manage to learn algebra+ math by myself. I have smarts but they're not useful in a social world like this one. I'm more of a deep thinker, I'm not practical. I can't say I've any useful talents beyond the ability to create 'stuff'. Even then, I'm slow at it...Meticulous, ocd even. I'd say I have a talent for metaphysics and chakras, but what good does that do me? I can't make a career out of that, or make a living off of a few books. I'd rather be a Tao monk meditating in a temple for hours on end daily than live a normal life. I'm enthusiastic about peace, about people just all working together to make each other's lives easier. Other than that, I'm lazy and unmotivated, lethargic even. I assure you, I have extremely low stamina in regards to patience and explanation, I suuuuuck really badly at explaining things in verbal form. That the forum is a written word medium does me great justice, but I'm sure anyone who got to interact with me in person, would become sick of me after a while. Just seems to be the trend of my life. I appear interesting, even curious and strange, intimidating and mysterious even, yet once I start talking, every label reverts to 'Weird'. I am weird. I am different. This place is my home, all I really know. I'd say I'm sheltered. I have an eviction, no place with lease an apartment to me. I have few friends, none of whom would want to live with me. I don't do well with sharing my space with strangers and I'm hard to live with because of my moods. I would love to live on my own, but the next problem is I've so little patience for the backwards way so many jobs operate... I can't even figure out how to explain it, it leaves me so flustered in my mind. Like, my last job, the apathy there made me physically sick. Making an elderly man stock truck loads of inventory alone, forcing the night shift to work shorthanded, letting managers get away with being hours late, letting people handle food with their barehands... Then the job before that one was too physically demanding for me that I'd end up becoming dizzy, sweaty, and nauseous from the stress. I'm weak of the physical, strong of the mental and spiritual. I prefer Chess or Go, over Baseball or Soccer. I like puzzles over obstacles. I was never a physical person, as early as before Middle School I was already out of shape and a docile type of person. My days were mostly spent sitting in front of video games or a computer writing or a desk drawing. I am aware that I lack the...'stuff' that it takes to work a full time job, I get fed up and sick and tired of the people, of the customers, or the job itself, it drives me insane. I lose my mind. That kind of life is just not for me! I can't do it! I shut down, my mind goes blank, I lose all care and desire or interest and just end up wanting to sleep and disappear, wanting it all to just stop. I can't manage it, I just want an easy job that's not heavy on the physical labor, that's more mind oriented or detail oriented, that has flexible hours because my sleep schedule is extremely hard to keep stable. Two weeks ago I was up by 8am and asleep by midnight. Now I'm up until 10am and asleep until 4pm. Between my body and my physical health, from randomly going dizzy and nauseous to getting hemorrhoids from working too physically hard to my stomach just hurting from the anxiety of going to work. I just don't feel like I'm reliable regardless anymore, that one day I'm going to be needed and I'll suddenly be overcome by a dizzy spell and suddenly I'm useless. I feel like I'm the kind of person who is supposed to work in the background, not in the forefront. For all of my abilities to handle complex tasks and questions well, I struggle with very simple tasks and questions. In fact Aion proved that point quite clearly a year or so ago when he asked me a really simple question regards something burning, and I thought he was asking me some kind of complicated trick question. I struggle with simple things, I strive with complex stuff. Computers and cars make sense to me even if I don't understand how cars run overall part by part. Programming and computer languages make sense to me, even if they are confusing looking. I see energy in numbers and see things others don't in numbers, though that might just be autism. Planting a garden is confusing to me. Decorating my room is confusing to me. I have no fashion sense, dressing specific ways eludes me. I have three fashions senses, casual, professional, and comfort. I don't know how to dress up fancily. I barely have enough clothes to make a work uniform after losing most of them in a storm while they sat in bags on my room trying to kill the bed bugs. Woke up the next day, 5 of 11 bags with my clothes were up and gone. Most of them my comfy and good clothing, the remainder being the clothes I seldom wore. I struggle clothes shopping. I don't understand many things and in many ways I don't feel like I'm fit for or supposed to live the way everyone else does. I can't see myself, ever, eveerrrr, holding down a full time job for more than a few months. I don't see myself ever having my own home that I pay a mortgage on. I just don't see myself living in society. The fact I keep trying to find a job is me trying to be supportive for my mom, so she isn't supporting me fully. That I can't find a job even at a fast food place is greatly disturbing. I almost feel like I'd have a better time setting up a table somewhere and doing donation based chakra readings for people, I used to do divination stuff on /x/ (specifically the /div/ thread on the /x/ board) and used to make 10, 15 dollars here or there from impressing people from 'reading their chakras' which for a time was how I practiced reading my own chakras. I'm more spiritual than tangible it feels like, like my life isn't meant to be lived the way the majority of people live it. I used to have a routine, it was constantly assaulted and nullified by my mother. Whenever I'd sit down to read she'd call me up and make me do something, whenever I tried to start a garden she'd hijack the project from me and make it her own. I try to make time to meditate she'd make me try to do chores. The worst part of it all was it got to such a point eventually that I swear she was doing it intentionally just because she wanted to make me do something, she would make me rearrange a bedroom one way, then back to the way it was, then back again, just because she didn't know what she preferred. When landscaping the backyard years ago, I had to dig, lay down, then pull up, cover, then re-dig parts of the backyard because she had 'better' ideas on what to do. I was the one who did all the damn work for her. Or like just lately, her computer broke down, now she uses mine, now she wants me to turn it into her personal laptop, to completely reinstall the operating system, when it has no CD drive, wants me to install programs without their CD's or anything. Wants me to rearrange my room and swap furniture out with stuff in the other room. Or she'll make a list of chores that are all ridiculous stuff like painting the overhang of the house, or painting some waterproof stuff across the entire face of the house, or cleaning the pool by myself without using the filters, pulling up carpet, moving couches, TV's, stands, dressers around into the garage and back again. Hanging pictures that fall or go crooked over the months as she slams the doors in the house. And then after I do everything, we get into a fight and she tells me I've done nothing at all, and denies I do anything worthwhile after everything I do for her. For almost twenty years now. Clean a bathroom, I didn't clean anything. Mop the floors, I didn't clean anything. Make dinner, I didn't do anything. Do everything, get told I did nothing. So I don't get why it confuses her that I feel like nothing and like I've done nothing when across my entire life she's reaffirmed and reassured me through everything from shout to scream to yell that I have done nothing. Nothing at all. My father once said to a family therapist with me and my mom right there, that my mother has a way of talking to a rock until it finally bleeds then crumbles apart. It was so true that I burst out laughing because it was just so true. You CANNOT just be a rock and not roll, you can't be still or at peace with her around. If she isn't happy, and she never is, NO ONE IS HAPPY. She makes you do stuff, blames you for everything. She once knocked a glass off a counter, and I got yelled at for leaving a glass on the counter, a glass I hadn't touched. Whats weirder were the days when she seemed to be so frustrated and upset, as a child, that she'd seemingly make me invisible in her mind, she'd walk right by me then act surprised saying she didn't see me standing right there in the middle of the room. Very often she would not respond to a question or statement I'd make to her. I'd ask her if she's hungry because I was going to go out and get something to eat, she wouldn't even acknowledge me, wouldn't say one thing to me. It took me yelling at her one day asking her if she was deaf for her to respond to me. Like, no, just no. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't understand or get how I am expected to just fucking 'get over it' and 'grow up'. Learned helplessness? That was me since a child, I NEVER HAD ANYONE to help me! I was 'difficult' and 'stubborn', I was 'different'. I had no emotional support from anywhere, no mother to nurture me, no father to toughen me up. My father's advice to me as a kid for dealing with bullies was to 'bust them up'. My mother's advice to me when I told her how mean she always was to me was to 'get over it'. She'd be cruel to me one day then the next be all sweet and nice to me then randomly become cruel and mean later. This was so prominent that when my ex lived with me, she noted how aggravating my mother was in her personality. Just how she'd call my name would be frustrating to her! She'd scream at me and insult me one night then the next morning have a big breakfast all made for me as if to say 'sorry', but she never said sorry. In fact I don't understand how I'm not schizophrenic, my entire childhood was rife with my doing things to please her only to be yelled at, and avoiding her because she'd find something to yell at me for, whether it was an hour ago or ten fucking years ago. In fact, I began working overnights specifically to avoid her. There is no such thing as 'allow' with my mother. If you live in her house, she can treat you however she wants and if you don't like it, you can go sleep on a bench. She used to threaten to kick me out as a 13 year old teenager if I didn't do good in school... I don't allow her to do anything to me, if I speak up she takes it as a 'power play' and attempts to 'win'. My mother is so spiteful she used to eat the chocolate covered ice cream cones my ex loved. I remember I was swimming with friends one day when my gf at the time walked out in tears red faced with anger saying how the last of her favorite food she bought just for herself was gone, and how I didn't eat it so it must have been my mom, and all my mom would do was without looking at her lie to her face and say she didn't eat it. But we all knew she was. You know, my mother is the woman who sent a 15 page extremely brutally nasty letter to my girlfriends mother, calling her child, my girlfriend, a host of things she always called me. Then her mother shot back with much more poignant and specifically factual points that she knew from her daughter living with me and my mom. Guess who to this day is blamed for those poignant factual points being known, I never spoke to my girlfriend's mother about my mother, it was my girlfriend who spoke to her mom about my mom, so why did my mom blame me purely, and make it clear that it was my fault her mother said such awful things about my mom to her. Like, I have a list, of all these little times when my Mom was just a literal monster. I had a friend who was kicked out of her house, I tried to let her sleep over, my Mom told me and her and my girlfriend at the time to all go f*** off. So I invited her over to at the very least sleep in my car. My mother goes out there and see's my friend in my car, she literally slams through the door into our room and screams at me waking me up to get out of her house. I told her to go away and let me sleep. It wasn't until the next day that she pretended like she didn't know it was my friends birthday and she was homeless that night (cause her father is crazy like my mother and made his daughter homeless on the night of her birthday) and that everything was okay when we explained to her the night before that it was her birthday, and we weren't going to make her sleep on a street on her birthday. My mother isn't just abusive, she's fucking crazy. There is no such thing as allowing to her, she didn't even give me an allowance, ever. I had to do chores just to 'live in her house' while all my friends are getting paid to clean their homes. All of my friends who live at home, live at home for free. My mom forced me to pay rent, and kept springing new 'bills' for me to pay, until she finally was making things up to have me pay for her weed without her telling me. After I also lost my bank account (from unemployment and not having enough in it to keep it open) it was either get a new account at another bank (and have my paychecks siphoned off by FASFA debts) or link my direct deposit to a joint account she has with me. That turned into 'this account is my account and so is all the money in it'. So every 'avenue' with her is a slippery slope of her manipulating you and after all is said and done, it is your fault in her mind. Keep in mind she's 56 years old. I used to exercise as part of a routine, I'd do yoga and meditate during those times of work out, I used to go on walks daily, Ra advice style, especially at 3am in the night just to get some peace and silence, but silence no longer exists in my area. Construction all hours of the night building apartments around me (But not jobs!), cars on the highways nearby always making the faint roar of driving in the distance. A mall not too far away with it's delivery trucks beeping and honking and making loud crashing noises...No more silence... I don't really do any of that anymore. I do now and then but I just don't feel like it matters anymore. Every thing I do for my self esteem, confidence, sense of empowerment and self belief is all always shot down and torn up by her. Like, when I got into a car accident, I was happy (and in shock) that I was okay and I didn't hurt anyone and no one was hurt. I was excited to be okay. I called up my mom and she didn't give two shits, she drove up to me and with an angry face asked me if I did the rounds of getting the other drivers name and insurance, she didn't tell me she was happy I was okay, she didn't give a s***. Or when I go out, she always tells me I look like a slob, that I need to wear better clothes, brush my teeth, comb my hair, all while I'm standing at the door with combed hair, brushed teeth, in casual clothes going out to be with friends, just like you can't say be safe or I love you? It has to be something cruel and mean? I don't know or understand. I don't understand love and compassion from others, it's very confusing to me and the only response I know how to give when I'm being praised is, 'No, I am not, I do not deserve this, I am nothing.' If I didn't discover the Law of One, the only Love I'd have known was the love for my son who I could not see because my girlfriend turned right around after our son was born and said I did nothing, just like my mom, and then pretty much moved away immediately and told me if I tried any legal actions her father's two lawyer friends would be busy ruining my life with all the dirty little secrets of mine I told the love of my life while we were together. I don't know any groups to join and I don't think I'd have the means to keep myself going to any kind of meets. I tried CoDa (Co-Dependents Anonymous), and that was just awful, horrible, a bunch of people who would break down crying halfway through a sentence and no one would know what they were saying or doing, and there's nothing to be said or done. And the religious overtones were downright rude to anyone who wasn't a Christian. I don't really think I'd do good in groups. I have several resumes, one for convenience stores, one for retail stores, one for more 'professional' positions such as trying to work at Data Doctors or GeekSquad. I have over 200 hours of volunteer time from just AZStRUT (Arizona Students Recycling Used Technology) alone where I'd fix donated old computers to be re-distributed to organizations who needed them. I have over 100 computers fixed and donated, I singlehandedly fixed enough computers to fill three classrooms. I've done some volunteer work for the homeless too as I empathize with them extremely, but the misery and pain of 'volunteering' for the homeless was too much for me to handle on top of everything else. I met some interesting people though like a girl named Val who was heavily synchronistic as she was an urban nomad walking to the West Coast to live on a beach, and made money by doing chakra readings and tarot readings for people sort of Gypsy style, and she was beautiful and kind for someone covered with dirt. I felt like I met a soul mate that day and I regret not attempting to do more for her. Dealing with the homeless was so painful for me. It's wrong, it's just wrong how so many people have wound up homeless and 'invalidated'. I think my life is bad, but there are so many others who are so much worse off than I... I have desired assistance since I was a child, but the only assistance I ever got was that tinged with my mother's influence. Like she wouldn't even pay for a numbing agent when I was getting my wisdom teeth removed, the dentist literally told her they do not want to perform anything unless I'm numbed in more than just the jaw. She lied to my girlfriend saying she paid to have me asleep during the operation, and I sat there while some strangers drilled apart my teeth conscious for it all. That event was so traumatic I remember hearing a voice in the back of my head because I was disassociating from the moment so badly, and all I said was 'Hello' and I said 'Who are you' to this voice in my mind, and all it said back was 'I'm you and I love you'. Like, I tried to get assistance from a child psychologist, but she didn't listen to what I was saying about my mom because my mom told her that I was a pathological liar and to not believe anything I said about her. Instead I was asked a bunch of vague questions that ultimately led her to deduce that I was 'depressed'. Good, fucking job, doc, gold sta--NO, platinum sta--NOO, GOLD PLATINUM STAR FOR YOU! Similarly as a child some doctors thought I was autistic and my mother pretty much shut that down by telling them I wasn't and that she was 'certain without a doubt'. Only for all these years of trouble later to discover I am! I've never had career counseling, the idea of even ever having a career seems distant like a fantasy. Me, have a career? I can't see it. I have an idea of who, and how I want to be, but I feel I will never be able to be the way I want to be. And when I ask myself if my Mother ruined my life, all I can think to tell myself is I'm the only responsible for my life, so really, I ruined my own life. This is just a taste of the...Complicated madness my mother has put me through my entire life. You call me 'mentally quick' but all my life she's treated me like I was mentally 'slow'. I can barely make sense of my life anymore and how its all gone and turned out and become. I don't even know what to do anymore. I had a dream, more of a nightmare, that's been recurring this week, where I'm in a dark blue place inside of a dimly lit winding tight tunnel, like it were a spiraling down kids slide, only it's made of something soft and squishy that can't be gripped, and there's a sense of dread and doom if you slide down too far. And at the bottom is this darkness that when you slip into it you lose awareness and consciousness, sort of devolve. And I keep having this dream that I'm in this tunnel clenching desperately at the walls while I'm winding down towards the darkness, and there is this fierce keen sense of helplessness. I even have my 'final thoughts' in the dream over and over thinking, 'how did this happen to me?' 'why did this happen to me?' right before I slip into the pitch black area and the dream dissipates into the emptiness of sleep. And all I take away from it is. Yes, I am helpless. And no one seems to know how to help, and I seem to be so shut in, so closed off, so defensive that I don't know how to let people help me without becoming upset or defensive with them. And often times I think I've become just like my mom and I'm just not yet fully aware of it. And I'm just left with this deep impression, that I am nothing, that everything I do is nothing. That there's nothing left for me. Nothing in life for me. Nothing for me to give life. Actually, the impression is closer to I am less than nothing. Just a waste of space. And while I think none of this is true, it doesn't change how these things feel true... And I can ask for help but I'm so strange and a weird and prolific. I just don't feel like there's anything to help me, or that anything that is possible for me to do right now would actually be helpful. So I just keep telling myself I'm meant to suffer, I'm here now for a reason, whatever lesson there is to learn it's catalyst will not stop making me suffer until I miraculously figure things out on my own somehow. So I just call this place literally Hell, and I cry often and feel suicidal daily and just keep trying to make it through life cause I'd rather not kill myself and hurt everyone the ways I hurt every day. Even if that means I wind up homeless living under a rock. I just keep telling myself, 'this is all the way it's supposed to be, I'm supposed to be suffering, I obviously did something to deserve this, I'm getting what I deserve, why else would this be happening to me? I must be a monster, I live with one, my God is one, I act like one... I deserve this.' So, I'm sincerely sorry everyone, that I don't understand all of your love for me. That I don't even understand it, that I can't feel it is genuine because there's that paranoia and chance in the back of my mind telling me that you're all just saying what I want to hear, that no one understands, and no one ever will. I don't have any resistance to being put in a psych ward place, I already think I'm insane...I don't fit in with society. I am different and strange and odd and weird and special and unique. I am mentally ill. It's just me ending up where society believes people like me belong. And nobody cares, and no one is going to change anything, nothing is going to change... Why should it? Why should they? It doesn't matter to anyone... If I'm just another crazy with a bunch of crazies, how is that any different from what society has always done to strange and different people? At least I don't need to worry about being brutally shocked while submerged in water, or nearly drowned, or sexually assaulted to 'cure' me of my mental illness. I don't belong here. I'm sorry for bringing this up. I don't think I deserve these kinds of responses considering all the mean things I've done here. I was just hoping people would offer some insight into what I might have to expect, I didn't realize you'd all care so much. Had I known I wouldn't have brought any of this up, I don't feel like I can adequately reciprocate such consideration, or even show happiness at it. I just don't feel like I deserve this. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how to end this post, how to thank you all, or how to be honest. Sorry everyone. I wish I had something more cheery and upbeat to give you all. ![[+]](https://www.bring4th.org/forums/images/collapse_collapsed.png)
3 members thanked Coordinate_Apotheosis for this post
03-25-2017, 07:49 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019, 08:15 PM by earth_spirit.)
-----
7 members thanked earth_spirit for this post
03-25-2017, 09:05 AM
-
CA - I'm overwhelmed at your bravery living with such despicable daily, and lifelong, abuse - and full of respect at your detailed, insightful, and honest reply.... what you have written makes TOTAL SENSE TO ME! be assured - the love here for you IS genuine I have much to say - first - yes like me and many many others - you aren't meant to work in 'straight society' 9-5... all the things I suggested you've tried... your mother is toxic in the extreme... you need help serious, concerted efforts to help you... do you live near any other b4 members? nb: I think the suggestion was for a Greyhound bus  big love to you... you are an amazing person and I have so underestimated you - how good for you to come back here and share and be so courageous!
2 members thanked smc for this post
03-25-2017, 09:06 AM
nb: I want to respond to your post bit by bit - but past midnight here in Aus - so will try tomorrow...
1 member thanked smc for this post
03-25-2017, 09:07 AM
Hey C_A. I support you. I don't really have much to say though. I'm not usually too wordy.
4 members thanked AnthroHeart for this post
03-25-2017, 09:23 AM
CA, I know you have heard it probably a million times, but you are not alone. I know that your initial reaction to that statement is probably something along the line of 'well, it sure as hell doesn't feel that way', and I TOTALLY understand that. When I feel like I am worth nothing and life is utterly meaningless, such words elicit anger or indifference. Yet, I feel it is important to say it. What you have described we all feel. The loneliness, the frustration, the despondency and despair. We are together in our aloneness. That has got to count for something. Keep on posting CA, I think it is beneficial, and as Diana said, can help you move through the inertia. God knows how stuck we all are.
4 members thanked Billy for this post
Hey,
I'm deeply touched by your lifestory c_a, because it echoes in me. Let alone the metaphysical part, there are resources that can help you accepting and understanding yourself and the way your mind works as an autist. 2 of my friends are Asperger's and I thought I was on the spectrum too. I've been reading Daniel Tammet, Josef Schovanec and various blogs from autistics adults (because the problem is, often we talk much more of the autistic children than of the adults and the difficulties they have to find their place in our societal strucure). I think you should get professional help. Maybe not being institutionalized first but try to reach to a psychiatrist. One that fits, with whom you're at ease (and it's OK to try a few at first), the experience can be good. I've been crippled with anxieties/phobia for a while now and each one (therapy) has been interesting, I've learned a lot about myself. Because it gives you a mirror/different perspective (even if you think you have reviewed everything a bazillion times in you're head) and a support. I emphasize on the support part. Morally, because it's a relief to have someone, face to face, that understand the pain, validate it. And he probably can give you some advice regarding social services. (I live in France so it's probably a lot different in the US) But if you feel you can't take it anymore, flirting with dark or suicidal ideas and need a break. Yes, go to the psychiatric emergencies. If you don't mind me asking, do you have other members of family that you have a good relashionship with ? You mentioned your father ? I join the others in saying you're not alone... We'll get there.
3 members thanked polyn for this post
03-25-2017, 10:55 AM
Upon some private processing. I think to simplify, I guess I need help with living life. I've never even been taught how to fold clothes much less what fashion or... any of that stuff.
It'd be nice to learn a different way to live. The entirety of my family minus my mother and father live in a different state. Hardly know my Dad's side. My mom's side is... bit more diverse. I don't think any of them really like me. They've got this weird social dynamic with my mom and I'm like the weird sheep of the black sheep. I don't think my Dad wants the burden of me being around. His current marriage is... I guess not too great, so I wouldn't want to bother him. Plus I don't like the idea that I'm also similar to him, I'm just saddened by how life in this world can turn out to be one long stretch of misery for so many people. My life isn't so bad. I have a lock on my door, a key to the house. A car, laptop. Bed, comfy fluffy blue polyester blanket...I just also have a very confusing mother. Who does mean things that make me hate her, but that's my mom so like, I still love her. Just wish she could be just a lit--loooot niceerrr... just a lot nicer. Just a lot lot lot lot lot nicer. What's wrong with being nice? But yeah, sorry for venting, I love you all though I admit I'm still...i guess overwhelmed? Still waiting to know if I'm actually gonna needs to pack a bag for some place. I kinda hope not. That'd be pretty messed up... I hope she thinks it through first. I do have some good news, I've managed to be friends with my old best friend a few days ago, so I've got some more friendship power or whatever you call that energy boost you feel around a friend.  She's knows first hand my mom's personality... I always felt like there was something wrong in (my) life. Love has many weird forms. Thanks for the support everyone.
2 members thanked Coordinate_Apotheosis for this post
03-25-2017, 11:08 AM
1 member thanked Aion for this post
03-25-2017, 11:52 AM
I relate to many things you've said in your post and there are many things I could tell you, but I don't want to dilute the main thing I wanted to emphasize:
(03-25-2017, 06:21 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: all it said back was 'I'm you and I love you'. That... there's the key... I don't care if it sounds corny... It's a very corny key, but it's still the key
2 members thanked kevn for this post
03-25-2017, 05:23 PM
(03-24-2017, 03:20 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I have moved out prior, I'm aware of this rite. I'm 24. C_A, you are echoing my own experience at 24. The one I shared with you. Moving out is not necessarily the solution or issue, but there is a crisis that is making itself known. Your mom sounds more like a messenger but finds it very difficult to pass the message on in a compassionate manner. One of the most triggering forms of communication I have ever had is when somebody resorts to trying to frighten me. "Coercion through fear" is a more eloquent way of putting it, and I was in my late 30s before I was able to bypass the method and extract what was being communicated. Especially where family members are concerned! (03-24-2017, 03:20 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I want to create or design. Yes! Another similarity here is that if we are not busy being creative then we end up being miserable and depressed. What we create is not really important at all, but the process is essential for creative and highly open temperaments like you and I. This is something I am going through myself. (03-25-2017, 04:09 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:(03-24-2017, 04:18 PM)Nicholas Wrote: Hey Brother, In the case of parenting my mom I was referring to showing compassion to somebody, who, in my darkest hours, showed me none  No, you see, that's part of the problem here. Your fears are not stupid at all. There is no such bloody thing as a "stupid" fear. The notion that some fears are less valuable than other fears only impedes our journey towards self clarity. Morally scrupulous values need to be put to one side because they obscure and muddy our attempts to seek self acceptance. The reverberating gift of clarifying ourselves is better than any drug on the planet! The journey is soo worth it, but the blockades of self condemnation, imparted to us, need to be ruthlessly disrespected. What is the atypical nightmare? It's the "monster in the closet", right? And so the monster represents what we are most frightened of and the closet represents where we put things that we don't want to wear or expose ourselves to. These "things" embarrass us, sure, but no hierarchy exists when it comes to evaluating which monster is more scarier than another. It matters very much what you are frightened of!
1 member thanked Nicholas for this post
03-25-2017, 06:28 PM
C_A, I want to offer my own support, and was a bit hesitant to do so given that you seemed to express some discomfort in the show of support that has already occurred. There is much I relate to in what you have shared, about your anxieties, relationship with your mom, confusion about living life, and feeling of being unworthy of love and support. My own journey was not as extreme as you have communicated in many ways, but I have at least tapped into the currents of emotion you are feeling (at least, I think I have). I would like to say that I feel greatly moved by your experiences and how you have shared them so openly here. I don't know if you recognize it, but it takes a lot of courage to lay yourself out like this. I echo the love and support already shown, but don't know how to say that in a way that it might be received and understood any better than what has already been shared.
You have shared the sentiment that while you recognize your life is difficult, there are others in the world who have it much worse. I think it's admirable to realize that, but also want to reiterate that basically anyone can say this. The spectrum of suffering and confusion on this planet is vast. That fact, in my eyes, does not diminish the struggles any single person goes through, and if there's one thing I wish I could really share with you, it's that the way you feel is valid and deserves to be expressed and appreciated by yourself and others. Words can do little to help such realizations, but please know that I feel strongly for everything you have shared, and you are in my prayers and thoughts.
_____________________________
The only frontier that has ever existed is the self.
3 members thanked Bring4th_Austin for this post
03-25-2017, 09:47 PM
6.16 Questioner: What is the position of this planet with respect to progression of the cycle at this time?
Ra: I am Ra. This sphere is at this time in fourth-dimension vibration. Its material is quite confused due to the society memory complexes embedded in its consciousness. It has not made an easy transition to the vibrations which beckon. Therefore, it will be fetched with some inconvenience. As Ra said the material of which we deal with in our illusion is confusing. CA, I somewhat can relate. My life imploded in 2013 due to drug use. Everything became far more complicated because of spirituality. Now, 4 years later I have a direction, at least. Of course I would never offer advice. There is one concept that helped me thru everything. I had and have to face myself. I still do this, but after a certain point i stopped having ultimatum fear about survival. Facing the self is a dilemma of internalization, it must be done. Unfortunately, you will have needs that will not be met that you cant control. What you do must be determined. Start small. What type of person do you want to be? What virtues do you desire to cultivate. Seek an ideal and that which is not needed will fall away. As much as you need support i think many of us will be there, but as Ra said you cannot directly help another entity. Sincerely, Cobrien
1 member thanked Cobrien for this post
If you'd like to learn programming, pm me. I'm about to get a bachelors degree from nycct but did not learn much there so I instead in the last year have been taking programming courses on udemy and using the tutorials there to learn(it's much faster). I can share with you the techniques I used to learn quickly if you want and point you to the courses I took/am taking now. The most important courses that I used to learn programming on udemy are 100% free btw and from start to finish complete so you wouldn't be lost when learning.
4 members thanked Cyclops for this post
03-26-2017, 12:57 AM
(03-25-2017, 09:56 PM)Cyclops Wrote: If you'd like to learn programming, pm me. I'm about to get a bachelors degree from nycct but did not learn much there so I instead in the last year have been taking programming courses on udemy and using the tutorials there to learn(it's much faster). I can share with you the techniques I used to learn quickly if you want and point you to the courses I took/am taking now. The most important courses that I used to learn programming on udemy are 100% free btw and from start to finish complete so you wouldn't be lost when learning. Yes please. I only know basic mathematic java programming, it'd be nice to do something more in Notepad++ or Netbeans. I also know how to use Blender for 3D modeling. I just need to do more in it. Just need to stick with it... (03-25-2017, 09:47 PM)Cobrien Wrote: 6.16 Questioner: What is the position of this planet with respect to progression of the cycle at this time? Limitations, I believe Carla had a similar catalyst? I find that in 3D, there is no structure to logically define it in a scientifically reproducible way. ...Er, I guess you could argue that there are 'exceptions' to typical life. Such as being unable to directly help someone. Saving someones life might be an example of directly helping, but otherwise I think they meant that in a more metaphysical sense. But I get what you're saying. But does it mean I cannot directly help myself since I'm both Other/Self? Can you quote where she said this? (03-25-2017, 06:28 PM)Bring4th_Austin Wrote: C_A, I want to offer my own support, and was a bit hesitant to do so given that you seemed to express some discomfort in the show of support that has already occurred. There is much I relate to in what you have shared, about your anxieties, relationship with your mom, confusion about living life, and feeling of being unworthy of love and support. My own journey was not as extreme as you have communicated in many ways, but I have at least tapped into the currents of emotion you are feeling (at least, I think I have). I would like to say that I feel greatly moved by your experiences and how you have shared them so openly here. I don't know if you recognize it, but it takes a lot of courage to lay yourself out like this. I echo the love and support already shown, but don't know how to say that in a way that it might be received and understood any better than what has already been shared. I don't recognize it as courageous. I see it as more foolish but what do I have to lose? And also as a sort of not-so-silent plea for help. I'm glad you pointed it out to me. Maybe that means I'm a brave mind in a shy body, or just shy? Or as SMC said, passionate? I don't know, I'm just biding my time trying to stay calm. Trying to find motivation. Nich says its the action that matters so I'm trying to make housework more...spiritual. I honestly shared this all not realizing how, I guess serious it is? I was just being, candid, honest. I didn't intend it to be such a big deal, I just wanted SMC to know what I've dealt with. I'm sure she was the right person to show such honesty to since she's so honest to us. You and L/L have what I see to be a literal heaven on Earth environment, a sort of sanctuary here. So thank you for supporting this free healing environment. Its like the green shade of The Matrix, only less insidious when you unplug LOL, B4 to me is where I can just be me, sort of like Neo in The Matrix, minus the godly awesomeness lol My home away from home? I understand I am valid even as someone who feels invalidated, you can't just dump an invalid anything on the road, at least you're not supposed too... Still I just feel like I'm backwards, need to get reoriented. Thank you for your support. Aion I am extremely anxious of society. Kevn, It was...Its hard to think about. It was a very meh experience. Ironically during that time my gf went up to colorado to be with family, so I spent Christmas recovering from a wisdom tooth surgery with a cauterized blood vessel in my jaw, taking percesets for the pain. Can't chew anything solid, can barely move I'm in so much pain. So my mom buys me burgers from mcdonalds and hard crunchy cookies. Also I had a hole in my jaw where food was getting stuck making this rotten foul taste in my mouth. Literally vomit inducing foul tastes, right in my mouth. So then, I get sick. Violently sick. I start vomiting everything, tore out the stitches in my jaw. Can't sit up without vomiting. Then burning hot, aches across my body, and my mom writes it off as i was having withdrawals from a perceset addiction. So then after the aches and shivering hots and colds, I had a mild migraine for an entire day. Then I was okay, turned out my torn out stitches healed themselves, somehow, oh and then my mom got what I had. I took care of her but wasn't exactly very concerned... But of it all, I don't know what to call that experience. It made me cry silently tons and tons of tears on the ride home, and my girlfriend didn't know what to think about it. I had no idea myself... Still don't. Thanks for being here everyone. E_s, what did you mean by how you won't be present to see it? Polyn, I don't have the money to see a professional and I'm not savvy enough to discover how to get free counseling/therapy. Would LOOOOOOOOVVE to talk to a professional. I'm serious. That's not sarcasm. I really would like to see a professional.
2 members thanked Coordinate_Apotheosis for this post
03-26-2017, 01:35 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019, 08:15 PM by earth_spirit.)
-----
2 members thanked earth_spirit for this post
03-26-2017, 02:06 AM
But if you all are me, and I am you, then we are each simultaneously Other-/Self.
But that makes much more sense to me, thank you, sorry for misunderstanding. (03-26-2017, 02:06 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: But if you all are me, and I am you, then we are each simultaneously Other-/Self. I think simultaneity works neatly to understand the "non-paradoxal" mechanics of time as a timeless principle foremost. But in term of time-bound many-ness I'd think it is more accurate to see that others are your own self in your own past or future (I also resonate with the idea of both meeting as one vibration coalescing into an experience of a moment or idea) re-entering a cycle (Octave) to re-meet itself as a different essence. Let's say when you are done with this Octave, the spirit then knows to dwell as a harvest into infinite other structures of experience until a more major cycle brings it back to re-experience itself into this Octave thought-form structure and allows it to become that which it met as an other-self and what was an other-self is now the self and what was the self is now an other-self. There is 1 astral beingness, one center, one sun and everything external is its projection, just like all stars on high are not high at all but contained within what you are, the mirror of your own infinite beingness and potential. So the reason you cannot learn/teach for others is because you are not within their moment but within the moment of yourself and to their moment you can only offer a symbolic reflection of their own beingness so that you may learn or realize something about the Creator we are as them within the focus you are that is contained within the moment of being them. So yeah you are everything, but this everything is made complex through the Laws or Cycles of beingness which bind all experiences seemingly apart into what renders them significant to be lived and loved.
I wrote you a pm but hadn't seen this last post.
I'm 40 but about 80% of what you wrote I could have written at your age. It WAS rough and I am sorry you are there now. I couldn't even go out in public without dry heaving I was so scared. You need a safe place to regain your strength. Getting away from your mom is first. Being alone likely isn't ok right now though so are there any other people you can count on? She sounds like my mothers double and she beyond all the other stuff you and I have experienced was destroying me. Any hope, confidence, health, peace, it sounds like your mom is doing the same to you. Is there any family you can stay with elsewhere ? Any social programs that can put a roof over your head while you regroup? I got lucky and found a situation where I could volunteer in exchange for room and board while regrouping, a recovering. Eventually that led me to train for a career in the industry so I could be my own boss, pick my own hours, and work only with clients who would not destroy me again. Can we find a similar situation maybe. It sounds like you have real talent for computers. Don't feel bad about not being a 9-5er. That isn't the test of a persons value. I don't want to say to much, words don't matter the essence matters. I promise you are not a waste, there is hope, just hidden, don't give up. You are amoung friends.
1 member thanked Glow for this post
03-26-2017, 11:25 AM
Look I think it's great that you're able to talk through this but I just want to reiterate. YOUR MOM IS ABUSIVE. YOU NEED TO GET INDEPENDENCE. My offer still stands. I'm sure others on this board would be willing to help in a practical way. You'd be surprised how a little peace and quiet may give you the space to start healing. Permitting yourself to be dominated is not a wise application of love.
3 members thanked Spooner for this post
03-26-2017, 11:39 AM
Dear CA,
i read and reread this thread a couple of times now. Everytime the same things come to my mind, but i am very reluctant to say this. I am not sure if you want to hear any of this and i really do not intend to worsen your situation, since there is already a great amount of emotional stress! So for the moment, i will send you all the love and light i am capable of! And, i do indeed believe in you, i do believe that you will get through this with a lot of spiritual growth!
1 member thanked Agua del Cielo for this post
03-26-2017, 12:34 PM
@Coordinate_Apotheosis
It looked to me as if during a time of high stress and pain at the dentist, a part of you reached out to you to offer soothing love. Without having to re-live such an horrible experience, you are still able to develop a connection with that part of yourself. I think such a connection would be most salutary. It looks to me as if it's already there and you just need to find ways to connect to it everytime you need it. It can become a very powerful "ally" once you tame it (I put "ally" in quotation marks since, like you said, it's yourself - But I fully understand that some parts of ourselves can seem like strangers when we are not accustomed to them, self-love being one of them) "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran
1 member thanked kevn for this post
03-27-2017, 07:08 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-27-2017, 07:25 AM by loveallbeings.)
(03-23-2017, 08:04 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: So as of lately I've been...Well. I guess I'll just say it the way I say it to myself. During a "psychotic episode" 7 months ago, my family checked me into the psychiatric ward. At first I was talking about heaven and hell, angels and demons, good and evil and came to my senses after 3 days or so, and realised that if I kept being open and honest about my experience I would probably never get out of there, so I had to "play the game" and make them think I was "getting well" in order to get out. It was fine in there, but its a lot easier to get in than it is to get out. The psychiatrist was cold, like a reptile and its the psychiatrist that decides your fate, whether you get out of there or not. I was in there voluntarily but the psychiatrist can decide to make you an involuntary patient, its completely up to them. I got moved to a different facility luckily, and had a second chance with a new psychiatrist, he wasn't cold and reptile like and I was able to convince the staff there that it was just a temporary wave of drug induced psychosis (in reality there were no drugs involved, but if I told them that then my chances of getting out would have been significantly lower). You've got a bed (in the first place I had a room to myself, second place it was a shared room), 3 meals per day and access to therapies such as CBT and mindfulness workshops. In the first place we were locked in, in the second place it was open, you could leave the ward (not officially, you had to be granted privileges by the psychiatrist, but it was all open, no security guards or locked doors) and leave the hospital. Different hospitals and different wards have different rules and procedures. The nurses and staff were all decent people, they were nice but not so open minded. The only exception I encountered was the first psychiatrist (who happens to be my local psychiatrist that I was appointed  ), she was callous and wouldn't listen to a word I was saying, her response to everything I said was to up my dosage of antipsychotics. You get meds at least once a day, in my case it was every night and while they won't accept you not taking them, you can hold them in your mouth, go back to your room and spit them out. Thats what I did for a good while. Everyone in there is put on olanzapine (an antipsychotic) by default, and everything else is prescribed by the psychiatrist. We had the option of getting 1mg of lorazepam per day, I abused that (by requesting it every day) and got those privileges revoked. There were no involuntary patients at the second hospital (the involuntary patients are in locked down wards), but there were a few of them in the first hospital. One of them was in a really bad state, her face was red all the time and she was clearly suffering constantly. It was really sad to see. Another one he was smiling all the time and seemed pretty happy, he was criminally insane, he'd stolen a bus full of passengers and drove it to my town and ditched it. He didn't get caught for that, he was in there for something else. He couldn't speak normally, he would just speak in quiet mutters, and would smile with this crazy look in his eyes whenever you talked to him. I liked him a lot, I got along with the patients in the locked down ward a lot better than the second place. They were completely non judgemental. The nurses and staff were all really nice and helpful but closed minded like I said, anything beyond the mainstream western consensus was beyond the realms of what they believed to be possible. I've been attacked and pinned down to a chair by an invisible entity and seen all kinds of paranormal things, I've astral projected, lucid dreamed most of my life, I've seen through the illusion of separation and stepped into unity consciousness, but theres only a small percentage of people that you can talk about these things to. If you do check in to one of these places, make sure you get diagnosed with depression or anxiety and not psychosis. Do what you can to make the psychiatrist like you, thats the most important thing you can do in there. I had thought about getting checked in there as a backup plan if the "psychosis" got extreme, and had a vision of a building with two dark hands motioning to "come in", symbolising walking further into the grasp of the darkness. It was a bad move. I didn't actually realize I was getting checked in there until I was in there. I had no idea what was going to happen, I thought I was going to be attacked by entities the first night but nothing happened, everything calmed down after a few days there. The only positive memories I have from in there was being drugged up and watching Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure and talking to the criminally insane guy. Usually I'm highly compassionate and would be jumping on the chance to offer help to people with mental conditions, but since the heart block happened, I don't feel that drive and thats what disturbs me most about it all.
3 members thanked loveallbeings for this post
03-27-2017, 08:31 AM
(03-26-2017, 11:25 AM)Spooner Wrote: Look I think it's great that you're able to talk through this but I just want to reiterate. YOUR MOM IS ABUSIVE. YOU NEED TO GET INDEPENDENCE. My offer still stands. I'm sure others on this board would be willing to help in a practical way. You'd be surprised how a little peace and quiet may give you the space to start healing. Permitting yourself to be dominated is not a wise application of love. Just see that I don't really know how to proceed, I have an idea but I have no ideas about bothering anyone for help of a tangible style, I don't intend to permit my domination. I really just am in a very complicated situation with not just the only family I know but my emotions. Independence for me will probably make my mom feel betrayed. I won't have any real support after that and that's honesty really scary. I've already tried to live on my own and it went...I guess very badly is how I'd sum up that period of life. I don't know how to proceed, my plan was to try and talk a friend into sharing rent on an apartment once I have a stable job. (03-26-2017, 11:39 AM)Agua del Cielo Wrote: Dear CA, Do share, you usually cut right to the heart of the matter like an...Vulcan of Mind and Emotion (03-27-2017, 07:08 AM)loveallbeings Wrote:(03-23-2017, 08:04 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: So as of lately I've been...Well. I guess I'll just say it the way I say it to myself. Sounds like an insightful experience. Just keep trying to love, that's what's important is to keep making that choice. Still, I'd be pretty freaked out getting drugged up and forced to watch tv. I'd much rather listen to nature than televisions programming. Thanks for the insight. (03-26-2017, 10:29 AM)Glow Wrote: I wrote you a pm but hadn't seen this last post. People I can count on? To get away? No. I frequent a hookah bar to find alone time... its the best I could do to find a sacred place away from home. Other family...No. Other's families. Maybe for like a day but it'd be incredibly intruding I'd feel like. Not very healing environments . I have no clue of any decent free housing programs down here, I'd be relieved just to get food stamps. Computers are a small hobby...Educating myself on them ruined my joy of the field. Its all designed to break eventually, made to be expensive. Inconveniently designed for profit. And the average person is an idiot, those IT guys you hire to fix your comouter, sometimes they are mean and think you're an idiot. I don't want to deal with that or the rude customers. Thank you for your support. (03-26-2017, 12:34 PM)kevn Wrote: @Coordinate_Apotheosis I have felt this connection. Teach me sempai! Lol But seriously. Its influence has been around for a while now. It was like, a part of me woke up. I don't know. What do you think?
1 member thanked Coordinate_Apotheosis for this post
03-27-2017, 09:10 AM
Dear CA,
so im going to share what was on my mind, i hope i dont upset you :/ To start with i want to say, that these are surely not the only aspects, but i found them to be important in a way. First of all, i honestly think you have a distorted self-image. Considering language, you surely are a very eloquent person, not only are you very beaitifully expressing yourself (technically, in regards to language) but obviously you are also willing and able to share from the depths of yours freely. I dont know if theres any other definition of language, but my definition is perfectly being met! maybe it is more difficult for you person-to-person, but that would just be another step, im pretty sure the skills and the ability are there! I think its not to your best to insist on creating a negative self image in that regard, especially if its not true! As for "autism": Psychiatric diagnosis is a strange thing. Not too long ago i learned all of that stuff for exam. All that diagnosis just takes a bunch of symptoms, then you diagnosis. It does not at all deal with the background of this, nor does it show any way out, and i found quite a lot to be really superficil and not very insightful. Western psychiatry is just at the very beginning of understanding these conditions! Apart from that diagnosis is important for how much health insurance pays and for doctors that like to make prescriptions. I would suggest not to create an identity out of this, this will limit you in much more ways than any "condition" you re in might limit you. Aalso, from the impression i getfrom you here on the board, i would say you dont really meet a lot of criteria concerning autism, but thats no diagnosis I think it would be more helpful to deal with whatever issue is present rather than putting it in a "autistic" box. If you re interested, i will happily share my insights on autism. As for the situation with your mother and being institutionalized: I believe there is a strange "subconscious deal" between the two of you at work. To get straight to the point what i gather from your posts, i think there is a big deal of unwillingness and refusal to take responsability involved. A part of you wants to stay child-like, but mostly concerning responsability. Your mother probably makes use of this, unconsciously, keeping you dependant. I dont know what she gets out of that, maybe its that she wont be alone as long as you are dependant on her. Your advantage in this situation is, you dont have to really take responsability for your life. In case my assumption would be true, you would have a hard time moving out, since you would then have to take full responsability of your life. There might be other issues involved, but that one struck me! Your willingness to accept being institutionalized could maybe derive from the same motivation. I have to say, i can truly relate to this. It took me a whole lot of years to take over responsability of my life. Im 46 and still struggle with that kind of refusal from time to time...imagine how i was when i was 24 :/ I think you re lacking trust in yourself, and i can assure you, everybody does who suddenly has to live on his own. I didnt really trust in my ability to "survive" when i moved out of my parents place, but, well, obviously i did And i perfectly trust in your ability to handle your life, completely, without a shadow of a doubt!! You are far better equipped with insight and knowledge than the average person taking that step. And when you really struggle, make a thread here, i will be the first to donate some money. You will not starve! And you will be able to handle all that stuff! And, another thing, maybe you cant imagine right now, but once you re out of that situation with your mother, your life will be a lot easier!!
1 member thanked Agua del Cielo for this post(03-27-2017, 09:10 AM)Agua del Cielo Wrote: As for "autism": Not to add it is a study of consciousness as a non-spiritual entity, so not very reliable in my book as it misses on the most fundamental aspect of consciousness. About the entire mother thing, I think some members are too quick on the the "get away" solution. Before wanting to get away, I think it is important to distill the current situation, why is it that way and how it is purposeful (seeing things as meaningless might be the single biggest spiritual trap) in an actual and truthful mutual service? What energies are being balanced on a daily basis or somewhat reccurent basis? With the design of existence, parents do not pick their children but instead their children either consciously pick them or unconsciously are drawn to their required environment (can be a mutual agreement also, which I think is the case here). It is not within the power of a parent to pick its child's soul, it can only offer a nexus point of entry for which the need of said nexus and the seniority of vibration is what will allow the soul that desires to be there to be there. It is a bit like the victimization thread, I see a lot of finger pointing and blame game but little actual look within at distilling the unity of a moment or situation. It's easy to point outside for inner problems and it's also easy to get away from them, but this is not very consonant with the Law of One in my eyes at least and resolves and heals little within the self. My initial feeling when contemplating this was that Van and his mother are definitely soul mates entangled by a shared karma. I thought that Van would feel he is betraying his mother were he to leave her side and this is exactly something he ended up sharing, reinforcing my interpretation of the situation. So this does not mean Van needs to always be at her side, but rather that it seems more meaningful to ponder and contemplate why he still is. Why does he have so much circumstances that disallowed him to leave? Why did his previous attempt fail leading him back to sqare one? Why are they bound together by a form of gravity? I don't really want to push my view unto another either, but is seems awfully more positive and empowering to perceive such a relationship as one where you are there to shine your light, provide healing, provide patience, provide opportunities of transformation because all of this will empower the self and allow it to be above the other person's negativity as the negativity is no longer seen as a catalyst that brings you down but instead allows you to be of service to a soul that is most dear to you and allows you to refine your light through it all. Once again my words are not "you always need to be with her", but rather "why, in truth, are you still at her side in this present moment and what can be made with this for positive transformation?". Once Van gets away, then the opportunity of helping will be narrowed down intensely, which is not all that bad because he can't learn/teach in her stead either. I think it's quite easy to view the solution of another's karma as being without it since we are outside of it ourselves, but that does not mean it is what is helpful to this other-self just like we each have karma of our own which someone external could easily see being without it as the solution when it is quite the opposite of what our hearts would desire. Anyway my real advice is : Seek what feels most right to you because it probably is what is most right. Be true to yourself!
1 member thanked Minyatur for this post |
|
|
