The feeling of grief from loss of loved ones

[Glow]

Thought I would share what I have discovered.
I have suffered with extreme grief over loss of especially one person it’s actually a trend through several lives. I’ve healed so much of my stuff but this little thing remains.

It starts as a recognition or feeling of love that builds up just under the throat and feels painful. The quintessential lump in the throat.

This week I found the solution thanks to my guides, and have now an understanding that might help others with this grief. Maybe not, but knowing how it has hurt me id like to try and share what I have been taught. It has released that painful lump.

In the case of loss or distance, neither exist outside the material the love feeling turning in to that painful grief is basically our love for the otherself not being able to be shared/expressed.. I have been having instant relief by simply asking my guides to please send the love to those I cannot reach. It’s blocked at the throat because of our inability due to death/time/space to express it.

In my case it’s been a loss over a few lifetimes so I am now asking them to send it to all lifetimes.

This likely sounds whacky and it might not work in all situations but since my guidance has gone to great effort and worked over a period of 2 years to finally get this through my thick skull I thought it was worth sharing incase others are experiencing the same or similar.

Wanted to add this can be used for compassion grief from seeing others suffer too. Ask the love to be sent to them and at least for me. The love stays the grief is diminished till it returns when it does and the cycle continues
Be well

[Cainite]

I'm truly sorry you had to go through that.

I haven't experienced any loss yet. I don't think I can ever lose my friend without going insane, dying, losing my sight because of excessive crying, ...

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I remember when death wasn't registering for me.  I witnessed my father's...  ugh, fifth wife? I think it was, die from a heart attack.  I didn't feel bothered by it.

My grandma, grandpa, uncle, all died, felt nothing, if anything I was glad for them.

Then my cat died, and...At first, I was just sad that he was gone.

Then it sunk in over these last four years.  My best friend is gone.  He's not coming back, I'll be without him for the rest of my life.  It makes me teary eyed just recalling it.

Then it finally happened, this guy I didn't know ANYTHING about, he was an uncle, his name was Roger.  He had a cane, but wore running shoes, had a drug addiction (to cocaine), but was ridiculously kind.  I met him for 5 minutes, spoke not even 50 words with him last Christmas, then had to leave.

I really liked him, wanted to get to know him.  Then a few weeks ago, he died, massive heart attack.  My mom says growing up, everyone had wondered who'd die first, him or my mom.

Needless to say.  When I found out, it was like this uncanny wave of realization washed over me.  That I'd never get to know him, or anything really about him.  That he's gone, for good, not coming back.  Better place or no, his death was a loss and it hit me hard.

I cried a lot, but not the kind I usually do, it was kind of undriven, just a response.  I wasn't just mad or sad to the point of tears, I was just so upset at how I missed that opportunity, how I never knew any of my family, how alone I was.

Death makes me super aware of my loneliness.  It makes me realize how scared of dying I am too, but mostly how scared I am of specifically dying alone.

I don't know why I was so numb and unaffected by death to start with.
I often think my previous incarnations were very rough or somehow greatly affect me this time around, like all the cards are in play, the final showdown, do I handle the dealer's Flush with what I'm given?  A pair of four's?  Do I bluff?  Do I fold?  Must I win or can I accept defeat?

I don't...Think I'll be coming back around Earth like planets/3D for a while after this incarnation.  I think, I just need a break from 3D.  Perhaps to clear myself, or find a better approach.  I'm so tired.  There's so much challenge to this life that I don't understand.

I didn't think for the longest time, I wasn't actively thinking about anything until about age 19.  Up to that point, I was blissfully ignorant of my...Oddities.

I have been different even to different kids, I didn't fit into special ed, educational support was non-existent, no one liked me and I didn't keep friends I made, and in fact got into 'serious' trouble three different times because I didn't understand the severity of something I would say, or the one time when I didn't realize how physical I was.

All three examples in order, met this indian kid in elementary school, he was my 'friend' until his other friends showed up, then I was just laughing fodder for picking on.  One day I called his house trying to ask him why, he didn't answer and in that moment all I could think of saying was I was going to 'get him', and I meant it like make him my friend.  His mother took it as murdering him.

Made a friend who had a baby brother, I had no experience even being around babies.  One day while hanging out his brother kept bothering us from our games.  I made the off-hand remark that I wished his brother wasn't around (as in asleep or somewhere else). He took it as me wishing his brother was gone gone.  That friendship ended that same day and I had NO IDEA why or what I had said.

Knew a black kid, we were friends, and hell, he even confessed to liking me as kids, like romantically.  I thought he was trying to trick me into doing gay stuff to make fun of me.  Turns out I found out years later, he wasn't.  Furthermore one day around 7th or 8th grade he's over at my house swimming.  I recently heard my dad tell a joke about black people with the punchline being 'negros', my friend made a remark that feel in line with the joke, I in a moment of triumph feeling like I'll be hilarious blurted out to him in response 'Negros!', he misheard me and thought I said N----er.  That ended that.  He got up out of the water and walked away without a word dripping wet.

I had no idea how bad even just the word negro was, but worse he misheard me, and that ended that.  I tried to invite him to my birthday party and got a very bitter response.

Finally I had a friend in elementary school who I apparently was too physical with.  I guess touching a person's arm often to get their attention often makes me gay.  Who would've thought...

All of it makes me wonder why? What's wrong with me?  Why am I so stupid saying stupid things doing stupid things but I'm apparently smart and bright and whatever...

I don't even know how to make sense of grief, yet I felt it at the death of each of those friendships.

I wish...We didn't have to hurt to better understand.  I feel like death is the final laugh of God, saying we grope in the darkness for light, and only in the groping agony of death does it reveal itself.

An irony, that is arguably, cruel.

Death, you can call it change, rebirth.  But to me, it will always represent the loss of preciousness.  The loss of all that was good and bad.  The End.

And that.  Fills me with sadness.

I didn't think reality would be so... Harsh.  In the abundance of love, I still cried realizing what reality was like after the NDE's, LBL hypnotherapy, the Law of One.

I thought reality was much more loving, yet the overall story of creation seems to be filled with...Harshness.

It makes me very uneasy.  I don't want to partake in such harsh realities.  Is it really worth it?

What if it isn't?

What to do then?

Guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

[Stranger]

In the case of loss or distance, neither exist outside the material the love feeling turning in to that painful grief is basically our love for the otherself not being able to be shared/expressed.. I have been having instant relief by simply asking my guides to please send the love to those I cannot reach. It’s blocked at the throat because of our inability due to death/time/space to express it.

Great insight - this must be why therapists will sometimes ask grieving people to write a letter to the one they've lost with everything left unspoken.  Getting things out on paper releases the emotion.

On the spiritual side of the same coin, it is only an illusion that we can no longer reach our loved ones after their death.  We can reach them just fine; they have trouble reaching us back - mostly because we're not paying attention to the subtle perceptions coming from the spirit, because our senses are filled with the very loud and noisy physical sensorium.  

However there is still no separation between us and our loved ones, and the separation we believe exists is simply a belief - because we hold the belief that we can't reach them, we don't bother to try.  It's another one of those situations where we have the ability to do something, but don't know that we can do it.

All it takes is to think about the person, not worrying about where they are or how, and speak to them or express our feelings toward them just as if they were right here with you.  Because truly there is no distance.

[Diana]

In the case of loss or distance, neither exist outside the material the love feeling turning in to that painful grief is basically our love for the otherself not being able to be shared/expressed.. I have been having instant relief by simply asking my guides to please send the love to those I cannot reach. It’s blocked at the throat because of our inability due to death/time/space to express it.

Great insight - this must be why therapists will sometimes ask grieving people to write a letter to the one they've lost with everything left unspoken.  Getting things out on paper releases the emotion.

On the spiritual side of the same coin, it is only an illusion that we can no longer reach our loved ones after their death.  We can reach them just fine; they have trouble reaching us back - mostly because we're not paying attention to the subtle perceptions coming from the spirit, because our senses are filled with the very loud and noisy physical sensorium.  

However there is still no separation between us and our loved ones, and the separation we believe exists is simply a belief - because we hold the belief that we can't reach them, we don't bother to try.  It's another one of those situations where we have the ability to do something, but don't know that we can do it.

All it takes is to think about the person, not worrying about where they are or how, and speak to them or express our feelings toward them just as if they were right here with you.  Because truly there is no distance.

While there is intellectual truth in what you are both saying, and perhaps some emotional relief, for me this is not the full reality here. Having "conversations" and writing feelings down is indeed good therapy. But being here without the lost loved one can be difficult no matter how healthy a perspective one can attain.

I found C_A's comments very moving:

Then my cat died, and...At first, I was just sad that he was gone.

Then it sunk in over these last four years.  My best friend is gone.  He's not coming back, I'll be without him for the rest of my life.  It makes me teary eyed just recalling it.

Then it finally happened, this guy I didn't know ANYTHING about, he was an uncle, his name was Roger.  He had a cane, but wore running shoes, had a drug addiction (to cocaine), but was ridiculously kind.  I met him for 5 minutes, spoke not even 50 words with him last Christmas, then had to leave.

I really liked him, wanted to get to know him.  Then a few weeks ago, he died, massive heart attack.  ...When I found out, it was like this uncanny wave of realization washed over me.  That I'd never get to know him, or anything really about him.  That he's gone, for good, not coming back.  Better place or no, his death was a loss and it hit me hard.

I cried a lot, but not the kind I usually do, it was kind of undriven, just a response.  I wasn't just mad or sad to the point of tears, I was just so upset at how I missed that opportunity, how I never knew any of my family, how alone I was.

I really don't think it matters all that much what you believe, or what you surmise, or what you subscribe too, or how much therapy you have or what exercises you do. I don't think it makes that much of a difference. We are behind the veil (if that's true, and it certainly seems to be). Being here can be an isolating experience. Even if one can get to the point of feeling really connected with our fellow humans, what then? It is a paradoxical affair, rather like being a teacher in a classroom of kindergartners, whom you absolutely love but can't really be companions with. And here someone may say that you can align with their souls perhaps. But the reality of 3D is duality and not the new age utopia we would like it to be (yet).

I don't mean to be a downer, for there is much joy and beauty and the full spectrum experience to be had here. But I'm not evolved enough to simply wave 3D experience and influence aside that easily. And I think this is true for many. I empathize with all the pain anyone here is feeling for lost loved ones. And I don't think it's that helpful to say it's easy to sweep this aside and "know" there is no distance.

[Stranger]

I think you're exactly right, Diana - I get too excited about the "technical" aspects of what's possible, especially when it comes to ways of helping people feel better, and I did not mean to imply that there's a "quick fix" for grief. There isn't, and despite the metaphysical closeness/oneness of all, there are shared physical and emotional experiences that are no longer possible after our loved ones pass, and this is a true loss.

My comment was simply intended to build on something that Glow has found helpful in coping with her loss and grief, pointing out that even for people who aren't in the practice of communicating with their guides, there are direct ways of expressing the feelings and thoughts that we may be left holding inside after a passing. I appreciate your comment.

[Glow]

I'm truly sorry you had to go through that.

I haven't experienced any loss yet. I don't think I can ever lose my friend without going insane, dying, losing my sight because of excessive crying, ...

I think I did go insane, but that brought me here. :idea: I hope you don't have to face the loss of your friend ever.

[Glow]

Thanks for sharing CA.

I remember when death wasn't registering for me.  I witnessed my father's...  ugh, fifth wife? I think it was, die from a heart attack.  I didn't feel bothered by it.

My grandma, grandpa, uncle, all died, felt nothing, if anything I was glad for them.

I don't think that is all that abnormal. I dont think you really greive for the person's loss. They arent mourning its the ones left behind that suffer right?

Then my cat died, and...At first, I was just sad that he was gone.

Then it sunk in over these last four years.  My best friend is gone.  He's not coming back, I'll be without him for the rest of my life.  It makes me teary eyed just recalling it.

Then it finally happened, this guy I didn't know ANYTHING about, he was an uncle, his name was Roger.  He had a cane, but wore running shoes, had a drug addiction (to cocaine), but was ridiculously kind.  I met him for 5 minutes, spoke not even 50 words with him last Christmas, then had to leave.

I really liked him, wanted to get to know him.  Then a few weeks ago, he died, massive heart attack.  My mom says growing up, everyone had wondered who'd die first, him or my mom.

Needless to say.  When I found out, it was like this uncanny wave of realization washed over me.  That I'd never get to know him, or anything really about him.  That he's gone, for good, not coming back.  Better place or no, his death was a loss and it hit me hard.

I cried a lot, but not the kind I usually do, it was kind of undriven, just a response.  I wasn't just mad or sad to the point of tears, I was just so upset at how I missed that opportunity, how I never knew any of my family, how alone I was.

Sorry for your loss. Its pretty brutal our fast paced lives every one has so much to do and very little time is taken to forge bonds and connect. The opportunity as you said is lost. I think that is partially what drives me to connect to people, hear their story. Really see them while the opportunity presents itself.

In your uncles place I bet he was pretty lonely too, addiction doesn't just start because people are happy.
I'm sure you have done it but if not I would talk to him, say what you have to say and going forward connect when the opportunity presents itself.
I am pretty lucky this life in that for some reason I was acutely aware of the potential for thing to be left unsaid. I would and still do tell people how much they mean to me to the point that I have often been asked if I was dying or something. :-/
I just always reply that I think people should hear this stuff when they are living vs the standard of waiting for the eulogy.

I don't...Think I'll be coming back around Earth like planets/3D for a while after this incarnation.  I think, I just need a break from 3D.  Perhaps to clear myself, or find a better approach.  I'm so tired.  There's so much challenge to this life that I don't understand.

You are not alone in that. I'm sitting out a few cycles. In a few hundred years I think things will be very different.

I didn't think for the longest time, I wasn't actively thinking about anything until about age 19.  Up to that point, I was blissfully ignorant of my...Oddities.

I have been different even to different kids, I didn't fit into special ed, educational support was non-existent, no one liked me and I didn't keep friends I made, and in fact got into 'serious' trouble three different times because I didn't understand the severity of something I would say, or the one time when I didn't realize how physical I was.

All three examples in order, met this indian kid in elementary school, he was my 'friend' until his other friends showed up, then I was just laughing fodder for picking on.  One day I called his house trying to ask him why, he didn't answer and in that moment all I could think of saying was I was going to 'get him', and I meant it like make him my friend.  His mother took it as murdering him.

Made a friend who had a baby brother, I had no experience even being around babies.  One day while hanging out his brother kept bothering us from our games.  I made the off-hand remark that I wished his brother wasn't around (as in asleep or somewhere else). He took it as me wishing his brother was gone gone.  That friendship ended that same day and I had NO IDEA why or what I had said.

Knew a black kid, we were friends, and hell, he even confessed to liking me as kids, like romantically.  I thought he was trying to trick me into doing gay stuff to make fun of me.  Turns out I found out years later, he wasn't.  Furthermore one day around 7th or 8th grade he's over at my house swimming.  I recently heard my dad tell a joke about black people with the punchline being 'negros', my friend made a remark that feel in line with the joke, I in a moment of triumph feeling like I'll be hilarious blurted out to him in response 'Negros!', he misheard me and thought I said N----er.  That ended that.  He got up out of the water and walked away without a word dripping wet.

I had no idea how bad even just the word negro was, but worse he misheard me, and that ended that.  I tried to invite him to my birthday party and got a very bitter response.

Finally I had a friend in elementary school who I apparently was too physical with.  I guess touching a person's arm often to get their attention often makes me gay.  Who would've thought...

All of it makes me wonder why? What's wrong with me?  Why am I so stupid saying stupid things doing stupid things but I'm apparently smart and bright and whatever...

I don't even know how to make sense of grief, yet I felt it at the death of each of those friendships.

I don't think anything is wrong with you. Sounds like somehow things were stacked against you.
I always feel bad for people who took the programming of society and now dont know who they are, truth is though Im sure they fit in well as kids and dont feel lost and off track as adults. Never felt defective because they didnt fit in. Catch 22 I guess.
As long as they keep the mask on they are ok.

I may have been better able to mix with people but I drifted from group to group never really putting down roots because I could get my mask on and follow along the life script everyone was given. When things got to obvious I wasn't traveling the same conventional road as them I would inevitably move on.

Most of highschool and college I hung out with groups of guys because there was never any expectation on me as a girl to be the same as the guys. That worked very well till everyone started getting married and funny how that solution didn't work out longterm,
women don't seem to want their husbands hanging out with women. lol

Anyways I totally get how the end of a friendship can feel like a death. I have totally experienced that and I'm sorry you have too. Potential for something beautiful is lost.

One of the people I still greive is that sort of thing.

[Cainite]

I think I did go insane, but that brought me here. :idea: I hope you don't have to face the loss of your friend ever.

Yet you overcame it.

It's my lack of acceptance really... and also the rarity of such people that can be our companions as Diana pointed out, nearly everyone else is an spiritual infant.

[Glow]

In the case of loss or distance, neither exist outside the material the love feeling turning in to that painful grief is basically our love for the otherself not being able to be shared/expressed.. I have been having instant relief by simply asking my guides to please send the love to those I cannot reach. It’s blocked at the throat because of our inability due to death/time/space to express it.

Great insight - this must be why therapists will sometimes ask grieving people to write a letter to the one they've lost with everything left unspoken.  Getting things out on paper releases the emotion.

On the spiritual side of the same coin, it is only an illusion that we can no longer reach our loved ones after their death.  We can reach them just fine; they have trouble reaching us back - mostly because we're not paying attention to the subtle perceptions coming from the spirit, because our senses are filled with the very loud and noisy physical sensorium.  

However there is still no separation between us and our loved ones, and the separation we believe exists is simply a belief - because we hold the belief that we can't reach them, we don't bother to try.  It's another one of those situations where we have the ability to do something, but don't know that we can do it.

All it takes is to think about the person, not worrying about where they are or how, and speak to them or express our feelings toward them just as if they were right here with you.  Because truly there is no distance.

While there is intellectual truth in what you are both saying, and perhaps some emotional relief, for me this is not the full reality here. Having "conversations" and writing feelings down is indeed good therapy. But being here without the lost loved one can be difficult no matter how healthy a perspective one can attain.

Obviously it doesn't negate wishing they could have continued to be here and share our lives, missing their cuddles, scent, or bad jokes. :-/
For me its been years, years of crying, praying, counseling, meditating, balancing, recaping and still the tears come... one in particular hurts the most and I could get/am choked up right now still just typing this. l... cant recap the good memories to or they are gone.

I was only trying to share what took that painful lump away. I've never been able to not cry when I think of them, that lump appears and the tears flow, changing my mood.

This relieved that lump and helped me just stay in the love moment vs moving into grief so I was just trying to share a tool in the box.
I think for me it is the holding in of that love. Just letting it out to them has at least diminished that horrible lump in the throat.
I've said all that can be said, sometimes just feeling such deep love for someone and not being able to shower them in it is painful.
This eased that so I thought it might help someone else

[Glow]

I think I did go insane, but that brought me here. :idea: I hope you don't have to face the loss of your friend ever.

Yet you overcame it.

It's my lack of acceptance really... and also the rarity of such people that can be our companions as Diana pointed out, nearly everyone else is an spiritual infant.

I don't think I over came it. Was destroyed and had to rebuild. Still rebuilding. Acceptance is hard and you are right, those people we connect with deeply are super rare. Gotta love on full volume while they are here.

[Cainite]

I think I did go insane, but that brought me here. :idea: I hope you don't have to face the loss of your friend ever.

Yet you overcame it.

It's my lack of acceptance really... and also the rarity of such people that can be our companions as Diana pointed out, nearly everyone else is an spiritual infant.

I don't think I over came it. Was destroyed and had to rebuild.  Still rebuilding. Acceptance is hard and you are right, those people we connect with deeply are super rare. Gotta love on full volume while they are here.

It's crazy.. thinking about how many beings we've known and loved during all our incarnations. we have many friends waiting on the other side.. your friend has reunited with his own loved ones there.. just think about how happy he/she is now.

I heard from someone who had lost somebody then in a dream the deceased person appeared to her and told her that he's feeling much better now.

The neighbours in my last apartment, killed my cat. she was my beloved.. I almost forgot about her. damn! I lost a male cat whom I called my son too. he was very 3D. and now is probably experiencing his human incarnation.
I sometimes play Pink Floyd's ''Wish You Were Here'' on the guitar for them. I got very unhappy and violent towards people for some months after that. but then I had to accept.. they were ready for graduation into 3thD.

Anyways, I will ask the creator to grant you more light and love.

[kristina]

I think you're exactly right, Diana - I get too excited about the "technical" aspects of what's possible, especially when it comes to ways of helping people feel better, and I did not mean to imply that there's a "quick fix" for grief.  There isn't, and despite the metaphysical closeness/oneness of all, there are shared physical and emotional experiences that are no longer possible after our loved ones pass, and this is a true loss.  

My comment was simply intended to build on something that Glow has found helpful in coping with her loss and grief, pointing out that even for people who aren't in the practice of communicating with their guides, there are direct ways of expressing the feelings and thoughts that we may be left holding inside after a passing.  I appreciate your comment.

....And I appreciate your kindness and acknowledging the expression of Diana's comment. Very nice.
I have to think this is process of grief due to the loss of a loved one is exactly that, a process. This is catalyst that Ra speaks of. And through this loss if we will, reach deep within our pain and extract the greater teaching of the pain and sorrow. And this is where the teacher becomes the student once again. If we survive. In this process, you will be able to activate many parts of yourself that once laid dormant. Such as Will. The will to overcome, to search for the answer that lies deep within you and the application of the information learned. This may be why it could take many, many years to process the death of a loved one. You may intellectual understand why they died but on the other hand, your heart cannot contemplate the lack of their presence in your life. During this dualistic argument within you, you will have to find a striking balance or what we may say, a way to reconcile so that we may press onward to complete our journeys. Many emotions may surface during this time. There may be guilt, anger or self hatred. And all these lie dormant within you as this appointed time reaches you. And no one can heal this for you, as you are on your own. Though you may not see due to the veiling, there are many ready in wait to administer healing to you, for you and are with you for always. The love and concern you hope for is there across the veil. However, you must make the trek through each emotion and learn the lesson of healing oneself and becoming the support system you long for.
I suffer too on in this very same way. My love certainly goes to all who suffer but especially in this way as it is so difficult for us to process in our reality.

[AnthroHeart]

Is it bad when your dog passes away and you grieve for only a day and then you're over it?
I usually don't grieve very hard, but I do get that lump in my throat that hurts.

[flofrog]

I like what Diana said because it's true we can't wave it away even whether we believe or not the connection beyond the veil is there. We probably need to experience grief to its full until we heal. And even healed I think we may experience pain whenever we go through memories.

About the connection, something funny happened to me. The second time I saw a psychic in my life was about twelve years ago and I went to her because I had learnt she knew something that could help a family member and if fact she was dead right. But at one moment she mentioned the letter W coming from the name of someone who had passed away.
That W was in fact for my dad's name. So she said to me, do you sometimes see pennies on the sidewalk ? And I said yes I see pennies all the time and it's even weird, so she said well do you pick them up ? and I said well no, because right now I am ok financially so I feel that other persons may need them, and then she said, Well it s your dad who puts them there and its really difficult for him to do so, and he's really not happy you don't pick them up, then she laughed and said its pennies from heaven flo and you should pick them up and put them in a bowl and think about your dad.

Then she said do you do crosswords, and I said no I hate crosswords, and she said, well your dad would like you to do crosswords and he will whisper you the answer I laughed so hard because my dad used to do in france the daily crossword from Le Monde and they re really difficult and he would come back to us and be really proud when he finished them. He was an insomniac and would work on them at night sometimes, which I thought he was nuts.

[vidyavenkira]

the train under the tunnel is possibly as useful metaphor.