Moving past being "the victim"

[sillypumpkins]

So recently I've had an insight regarding negative polarization and the power dynamics associated with it.

When you identify as the victim, you are playing into power dynamics just as much as the "perpetrator."

So with that being said, a brief glimpse into some catalyst I've been experiencing:

My sibling and I haven't been talking for 6 months. In February, we were in a semi-heated conversation and I said something that was sarcastic and mean-spirited. My sibling took this to heart, and never let go. He has held it against me for 6 months. I couldn't remember what was said for the longest time, because it was such a small thing to me and I didn't think he would take it seriously. Last night, after 6 long months of not remembering what even happened, I remembered. I sent my sibling an email, apologized, said I understood why he was upset, and left it at that.

Now, the last 6 months have been hard for me particularly because of this relationship. My sibling has been blaming me, my mom and dad for all his shortcomings. Every little thing is an attack towards him. We all need help, we're all f***** up, etc etc.

My mother and I in particular both do our best to not "play into" the perpetrator-victim dynamic he references. We try to accept the situation, listen, etc. I haven't been perfect. I'm learning how to maintain my balance in the face of fury and blaming. I have slipped up once or twice. It has been extremely difficult, as the whole situation has highlighted my own personal issues that need to be worked on. In that way, it's been sort of a blessing though

So, now that I remember what I actually said. I feel kinda better.

However, I am feeling like a victim. I don't want to be the victim. This isn't the perspective I want to have. In my head it's like..... okay so I've been a jerk to you and you feel the need to remind me of how f***** up I am, how I need help, how I am the reason we can't have a relationship. When he's a jerk to me though, I don't hold him to it as much as he does to me. I sort of view it as "he's feeling pain and he's choosing to let it out on me." Knowing this gives me some peace, but not enough for me to feel okay about the whole thing.

I feel karmically intertwined with him. Forgiveness is the answer then? I suppose so.

Bleh. Just needed to get some of that out. It's been a hard few days.

It seems I've already got the answer but I'm going to post this anyway. Maybe we can get some good discussion going

[AnthroHeart]

Can you see yourself as Creator, and love yourself most of all? That might help from feeling like a victim.

[sillypumpkins]

Can you see yourself as Creator, and love yourself most of all? That might help from feeling like a victim.

not all the time, but when I can find that quiet, sweet spot, then I can recognize all as the Creator. Still working on integrating that understanding..... chug chug chug

thanks for the reply sun. it is appreciated

[AnthroHeart]

Can you see yourself as Creator, and love yourself most of all? That might help from feeling like a victim.

not all the time, but when I can find that quiet, sweet spot, then I can recognize all as the Creator. Still working on integrating that understanding..... chug chug chug

thanks for the reply sun. it is appreciated

You should listen to Whitney Houston's The Greatest Love of All. I heard it long ago but never paid attention to the lyrics.

[Aion]

I understand this, I've been through some tough periods with my siblings and parents too.

However more to the point of power dynamics I would abstract a bit further. Usually the "victim" feeling is actually coming from a feeling of powerlessness, that's the side of the power dynamic.

So how can one regain their power in a situation of feeling powerless? Often it comes down to responsibility and its proportion.
Your responsibility only goes as far as your own self. You may be feeling some responsibility, and this of course happens when a person projects guilt on to others such as he is doing, and that actually results in your own hurt feelings of powerlessness.

The fact is, a relationship is a two-way street and you are not responsible for both directions.

[sillypumpkins]

That makes sense Aion, thanks for sharing.

Especially that last line...... my sibling has been telling me that "I am the reason our relationship is fractured," "I need help if I want to fix this relationship", etc etc..... it's wild how it has sort of "bled" into my being, and I really start believing that it's ALL on me.... logically, I know it's a two-way street, but that's been obscured in my vision....

Thanks again

[Aion]

No prob, a tricky thing here is that clearly he is projecting some expectation of ideals upon you.
I would first wonder, what exactly does a 'fixed' relationship look like exactly? Is that actually what they are looking for or is that just the bandage to the symptom?
That is to say, what would you look like to him when you are "better"? This is always a revealing question because sometimes the answer is much simpler than it appears.

It sounds to me like he maybe has some abandonment issues and is in a self-defensive mode to self-preserve. I think it's important to note that he is clearly feeling victimized himself and appears to me to be feeling very powerless. These acts of creating boundaries, which is what he's doing, while it appears aggressive it seems to me an attempt by him to try to regain some sense of power of his own self.

Although it can be very difficult, especially when emotions are flying, I think trying to get as specific as to what the issues are is crucial.
Asking, what is the damage? How did those fractures come about? Hard questions to get to the root of sometimes and people can be stubborn when they upset.

Further, a question, what part of him is feeling victimized? Is there perhaps a side of him that has gone unacknowledged? These are questions you can approach from your side of the street.

[sillypumpkins]

Your observations are astute.

Thanks for giving me these questions to ponder. It's now clear to me that more self-inquiry is needed in this situation (and in my daily life perhaps), as it will help me get to the deeper issue at hand. Fortunately I'm going back to therapy soon too.

This feels like one of the hardest lessons I've been faced with, however at the same time I feel more ready than I've ever been..... I am confident I can grow from this.... just gotta keep exploring the pain

[flofrog]

I feel for you Silly, having known a little of that situation , not with siblings but with my hubby.


I love what Aion says, and do remember you are only one half, and also whatever you said that long time ago, the intent might not have been as dark as it seemed...

I am reading a really interesting book titled Initiation, by Elisabeth Haich, and in it there is something that might help, although less pointed than Aion’s advice, so less immediately helpful but a very interesting thing to keep in mind.

Elisabeth describes apparently the initiation she had as an Egyptian priestess, and her mentor describes the twelve twin pairs of essential qualities that one needs to learn to balance to become initiated.

Be silent-speak, openness-resistance to influence, obey-reign, humility-self/confidence, lightning speed-moderation, accepting all-discerning, possessing nothing-using everything, being attached to nothing-faithfulness, being noticed-being unseen, disregard of death-respect of life, indifference-love.

So she needs to discern how to use one or the other, as the choice between each pair has its use along situations. So with this she needs to appreciate the existence of both ‘evil’ and ‘good’ and see how one choice may be good in one circumstance and same choice bad in the other.  How  Creator creates only Good, Beauty, Truth, how there are no bad characteristics nor bad forces, but characteristics and forces wrongly utilized. And the  final thing she needs to learn is to come to impartial love, considering everything from the point of view of the All. How to come to love the All. How the manifested visible has its counterpart un-manifested.

It’s a really interesting passage of the book, and very much aligned with the LOO



Take heart Silly, a situation never stays the same..

[AnthroHeart]

One thing Silly I learned is that when something feels bad, know you won't always feel that way.

[sillypumpkins]

Thank you for sharing flo.... that is a nice a little nugget of wisdom.... I actually just got the ebook, so we are both reading it now

and yes sun, "this too shall pass".... thanks for reminding me

[Kaziel]

I have some potentially valuable insight on this topic, as I have a unique relationship with a particular soulmate of mine. We love each other very much, and being together in incarnation is much like being with a twin flame, as we are two sides of the same coin. You would be hard pressed to find two people as similar as we are. However, our incarnate relationships on this plane have always been victim/persecutor relationships. We always fall in love, taking turns playing persecutor and then breaking the victims heart. We switch back and forth between playing the victim or the persecutor, and we've played out this agreement dozens if not hundreds of times. This may seem masochistic, but this agreement exists between us because being the victim of a betrayal so severe has the ability to act as a major catalyst for development. To have someone you love so dearly commit a betrayal seemingly unforgivable forces us to go through the entire range of human emotions; it forces us to learn to forgive the other, and most importantly, to forgive the self. Now, not all victim/persecutor relationships are this intimate, and I don't condone living in a victim mindset. This life is was my turn to play the victim, and I had my heart broken, I was devastated. I certainly felt victimized, I did not know any of what I've said here then at that time. I had to learn to live with the self, I had to overcome that feeling, I had to work very hard to achieve forgiveness. I have since realized that those who love us the most out of incarnation are the one's most willing to hurt us in the most grievous ways during incarnation, so that we may learn from such catalysts. 17.20 "In forgiveness lies the stoppage of the wheel of action, or what you call karma". 18.12 "Forgiveness of other-self is forgiveness of self. An understanding of this insists upon full forgiveness upon the conscious level of self and other-self, for they are one. A full forgiveness is thus impossible without the inclusion of self".

Now, not every victim/persecutor is as deep-seated as what I've described for myself. I chose to live temporarily as a victim before I entered this incarnation, an agreement was made. I must be careful because I do not mean to belittle anyone else's experiences, victimizations such as abuse or rape that completely violate free-will with no agreements are much more tragic. Sometimes we truly are just victims of someone else's poor actions, some people truly enjoy causing others suffering. Though, that doesn't mean that we cannot overcome victimhood. Victimhood can be a powerful motivation for us to transition ourselves into something greater, it is a catalyst, as are most things. We just must be careful not to become stuck in a victimized mind complex. Choosing to indefinitely remain in a victim mindset can leave us stuck and left with no progression.

[sillypumpkins]

kaziel, you are so right. thank you for sharing your insights

[Sacred Fool]

General comment.

Whether it's mean person/victim or master/slave (my preference), all these listed vortices of rough-and-tumble hamster wheel drama conduce to ways of shunting off energy from moving to the heart. That's one way to expend your years, and there are others which some would consider more beautiful.

From my personal perspective, one returns again and again to the meaningless hamster wheel, in part, because one has not matured enough to take responsibility in a spiritual sense. That is, ask yourself, what am I truly dedicated to? How deeply am I *really* dedicated?

You can decide that for yourself, obviously, and if you feel the pull deeply enough, you will move towards your heart. And there you may find alternative fields of consciousness which are unavailable when one is dedicated to and only taking responsibility for the vicissitudes of the hamster wheel. Increased polarity is a bit like a flotation device. The more air you hold about you while you're sloshing around beneath the waves, the sooner your body will rise to the surface.


Addendum: At some point in the future when you're reviewing your social interactions, you might ask, "Is the love I'm offering conditional or unconditional?"

Why does this matter? Hmmmm. Well, it might give you some indication of how close or far away from your heart you are when interacting. It might give you some indication of your commitment or so called "polarization." From there it's up to you alone....I mean, it's up to you and your spirit helpers to refine your vibration. Or not.

[flofrog]

General comment.

Whether it's mean person/victim or master/slave (my preference), all these listed vortices of rough-and-tumble hamster wheel drama conduce to ways of shunting off energy from moving to the heart.  That's one way to expend your years, and there are others which some would consider more beautiful.

From my personal perspective, one returns again and again to the meaningless hamster wheel, in part, because one has not matured enough to take responsibility in a spiritual sense.  That is, ask yourself, what am I truly dedicated to?  How deeply am I *really* dedicated?

You can decide that for yourself, obviously, and if you feel the pull deeply enough, you will move towards your heart.  And there you may find alternative fields of consciousness which are unavailable when one is dedicated to and only taking responsibility for the vicissitudes of the hamster wheel.  Increased polarity is a bit like a flotation device.  The more air you hold about you while you're sloshing around beneath the waves, the sooner your body will rise to the surface.


Addendum:  At some point in the future when you're reviewing your social interactions, you might ask, "Is the love I'm offering conditional or unconditional?"  

Why does this matter?  Hmmmm.  Well, it might give you some indication of how close or far away from your heart you are when interacting.  It might give you some indication of your commitment or so called "polarization."  From there it's up to you alone....I mean, it's up to you and your spirit helpers to refine your vibration.  Or not.

So wise, peregrine, thank you...

[sillypumpkins]

beautiful peregrine....... your reply hit me where it needed to... thank you