Depression and Accepting or Resisting Futility

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think depression is just feelings you don't wanna feel, so you numb yourself and feel nothing. I'm sick of feeling the same painful s*** over and over again, so all I feel right now is disappointment.

Yup. When you always feel like crap, or feel hurt, inadequate, at fault, weak, or any other number of emotions without end, then you become numb.

Depression is the ironic simultaneity of being numb while feeling too much.

The only way out is thru. You have to let yourself feel what you are avoiding and really work on yourself at a deeper level then most people even know is possible. Your emotions have momentum as well, this momentum can be overcome.

I don't have time to go into it right now since I am at work, but I think I will write a new post about the dark night of the soul, maybe this weekend but I want to refresh some concepts so I can do the subject justice.

I have BEEN going through it and am nearly out. I am MOSTLY not depressed and feeling better. But sometimes the feelings of pain come back up when I really revisit the subject. I am very tired of the pain. I have felt it fully before. It didn't go away. It still is what it is. So I just try to put it behind me and move on.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

...It just sounds like meaningless positive bullshit...

I think depression is just feelings you don't wanna feel, so you numb yourself and feel nothing. I'm sick of feeling the same painful s*** over and over again, so all I feel right now is disappointment.

This is probably just going to sound like more meaningless positive bs, but I'll put it out there anyway, just in case...

http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0316.aspx

...The suffering, the questioning, the doubting, the pain, and the suffering and agony of all that you experience is for one thing: to hollow you and to focus that emptiness so that it is ready to receive. For those upon the service-to-others path, those to whom we wish to speak, what is being received is infinite love and as it flows through you into a channel that you have cleared it radiates into all of your Earth world. It is for this that you came...

I didn't say it WAS meaningless positive sounding bullshit, just that that's how it sounds. Just not down to earth. Someone else explained it (I think) in a more accessible way.

[Ymarsakar]

I think depression is just feelings you don't wanna feel, so you numb yourself and feel nothing. I'm sick of feeling the same painful s*** over and over again, so all I feel right now is disappointment.

Yup. When you always feel like crap, or feel hurt, inadequate, at fault, weak, or any other number of emotions without end, then you become numb.

Depression is the ironic simultaneity of being numb while feeling too much.

The only way out is thru. You have to let yourself feel what you are avoiding and really work on yourself at a deeper level then most people even know is possible. Your emotions have momentum as well, this momentum can be overcome.

I don't have time to go into it right now since I am at work, but I think I will write a new post about the dark night of the soul, maybe this weekend but I want to refresh some concepts so I can do the subject justice.

I have BEEN going through it and am nearly out. I am MOSTLY not depressed and feeling better. But sometimes the feelings of pain come back up when I really revisit the subject. I am very tired of the pain. I have felt it fully before. It didn't go away. It still is what it is. So I just try to put it behind me and move on.

I replaced those negative experiences with positive experiences

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think depression is just feelings you don't wanna feel, so you numb yourself and feel nothing. I'm sick of feeling the same painful s*** over and over again, so all I feel right now is disappointment.

On the face of it, fellow traveler, it seems that you know exactly where you need to go, you just don't want to go there.  It's like one part of you says, "You must eat your Brussels sprouts, " and another part says, "I HATE Brussels sprouts!!"  I can very much understand the frustration, having planted myself at many a threshold before.

So, I'm typing all this to suggest to you that, if you can't feel the stuff you don't want to feel by yourself, perhaps you can find an helper who can encompass your situation and assist you through this difficult passage?  Maybe some kind of psychic, medicine woman, freewheeling alien cowboy healer, whatever?  Truth is, perhaps, if you're sitting there knowing where you need to go, that's a large part of the work already done.  The next step is to accept the vulnerability necessary to cross over into the land of feeling and accepting what you'd rather not have to feel and accept.

As it happens, I'm now at my own threshold (where I've also been for years) and that same seemingly-disabling needed level of vulnerability is likewise the ticket through the door.  Just like with you--so far as is obvious to me--this is NOT playing to my strong suit, as it were.  I can't play the cranky-old-SOB card in this game, and the persistent feeling of sheer nakedness is neither flattering nor comforting.  Happily, however, I am receiving much spiritual support helping me stumble my way along through this.  In some sense, that in itself is a huge compensation for the price of admission.
   

It's more like: "I'm SICK of always eating Brussels sprouts." I have gorged on them because I had to and now I'm just fucking sick of them. If it hasn't been enough so far, then f*** it. At some point, I am going to just say "f*** it" and stop eating them, because simply eating them hasn't solved the problem or changed anything about it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Also, I got a psychic healer. Waste if money. Just let me do this my way. I'm in a MUCH better place than when I started this thread and Rome wasn't built in a day. I am not currently seeking your advice. Thank you for your consideration.

[Patrick]

Then I will at least wish you all the best on your journey.

[Sacred Fool]

Also, I got a psychic healer. Waste if money. Just let me do this my way. I'm in a MUCH better place than when I started this thread and Rome wasn't built in a day. I am not currently seeking your advice. Thank you for your consideration.

Understood.  I wish you clear skies and a pleasant breeze.
  

[meadow-foreigner]

I think depression is just feelings you don't wanna feel, so you numb yourself and feel nothing. I'm sick of feeling the same painful s*** over and over again, so all I feel right now is disappointment.

Yup. When you always feel like crap, or feel hurt, inadequate, at fault, weak, or any other number of emotions without end, then you become numb.

Depression is the ironic simultaneity of being numb while feeling too much.

The only way out is thru. You have to let yourself feel what you are avoiding and really work on yourself at a deeper level then most people even know is possible. Your emotions have momentum as well, this momentum can be overcome.

I don't have time to go into it right now since I am at work, but I think I will write a new post about the dark night of the soul, maybe this weekend but I want to refresh some concepts so I can do the subject justice.

I have BEEN going through it and am nearly out. I am MOSTLY not depressed and feeling better. But sometimes the feelings of pain come back up when I really revisit the subject. I am very tired of the pain. I have felt it fully before. It didn't go away. It still is what it is. So I just try to put it behind me and move on.

You, as an incarnated individual, are constituted very much like a planet, for as above so below.

There isn't just a single biome in a planet such as Earth: there is aridity, humidity, fire, and snow.
There is bliss and the belief of lack thereof.

The rearrangement of your own individual experiences, in alignment with the imminent 4D frequencies, may cause pain.
Such may befall the eaglet who's breaking its eggshell before a new world to be bestowed upon it.

There is no 'behind' or 'forward', as a planet. There's only within and its outward radiance manifestation, in the form of its biodiversity and its atmosphere, geologically speaking. The same principles apply to you, as an incarnated individual.

You will not put behind what you have lived through because you are the entirety of all of your incarnations and not just your current one. Especially if you're a wanderer.

Finally, the fact that the snowflake is but a participant of the avalanche of the Social Memory Complex it's part of is of utmost importance to put things in perspective. As much as there are different shaped snowflakes (even though they are chemically composed of mostly the same stuff) each one of them shares the intrinsic properties of snow; even if such properties might be overlooked if one only sees the exterior, apparent properties of it.

Your pain, therefore, is not only your own.

It is futile to try to reclaim it as an 'entitlement'. Your suffering is also the planet's suffering, humankind's suffering, and not just your own.

Empower it. Build upon it. Behold your own development, and dare to be proud of it, if you will.

[unity100]

You dont have to accept things as they are and make them parts of your own. You have to accept that things are what they are, take what resonates with you, and move forward. In this density - and actually until pretty long afterwards - you cant receive everything and make it a part of your own personal existence.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You dont have to accept things as they are and make them parts of your own. You have to accept that things are what they are, take what resonates with you, and move forward. In this density - and actually until pretty long afterwards - you cant receive everything and make it a part of your own personal existence.

I do not understand what you said. Plain English please?

[Ohr Ein Sof]

You dont have to accept things as they are and make them parts of your own. You have to accept that things are what they are, take what resonates with you, and move forward. In this density - and actually until pretty long afterwards - you cant receive everything and make it a part of your own personal existence.

Anything that is witnessed by you is recorded by the subconscious mind as it contains every memory, it is memory. Therefore, you can receive everything that is witnessed and it will become a part of your personal existence.

[tadeus]

Hmm. I have a hard time accepting loneliness. I don't like being lonely and it's a feeling I would like to overcome.

What a depressing thread.
I have read the thread because it thematized "resiting futility".

Why you see yourself as a "Bona Fide Wanderer" ?
I ask this because this are hard times for a wanderer.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hmm. I have a hard time accepting loneliness. I don't like being lonely and it's a feeling I would like to overcome.

What a depressing thread.  
I have read the thread because it thematized "resiting futility".

Why you see yourself as a "Bona Fide Wanderer" ?
I ask this because this are hard times for a wanderer.

Bonafide wanderer is simply the default "rank" for one who has posted a certain amount of times (500+ Posts) on the forum. I do not "consider myself" to be one, nor to not be one. I am not arrogant enough to be too sure about such things. Though I have my increasing suspicions for various reasons.

[tadeus]

Bonafide wanderer is simply the default "rank" for one who has posted a certain amount of times (500+ Posts) on the forum. I do not "consider myself" to be one, nor to not be one. I am not arrogant enough to be too sure about such things. Though I have my increasing suspicions for various reasons.

Hahaha O.K. - what a wonderful misunderstanding.  

So maybe a better question is why futility leads to depression?


Did you notice Carla's "Wanderer handbook" ?
Maybe reading the beginning can help you to decide if you are a wanderer.

Another question is: "Have you read the Law of One and what you think about it?"
or in other words: "Why you are asking your question here?"

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You dont have to accept things as they are and make them parts of your own. You have to accept that things are what they are, take what resonates with you, and move forward. In this density - and actually until pretty long afterwards - you cant receive everything and make it a part of your own personal existence.

Anything that is witnessed by you is recorded by the subconscious mind as it contains every memory, it is memory. Therefore, you can receive everything that is witnessed and it will become a part of your personal existence.

And why is that distinction important to the question?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Futility does not always lead to depression. In my case it did, because it leads to a feeling of powerlessness and defeat, which is depressing for obvious reasons.

[tadeus]

Futility does not always lead to depression. In my case it did, because it leads to a feeling of powerlessness and defeat, which is depressing for obvious reasons.

Yes - futility is a good reason to get in a depression.
So the next step is to analyze why there is futility.

I see at least more and more futility, but understanding the Law of One and the work of Orion, gives me the understanding for the reasons of it.
This leads to the question "Why can i see and feel this futility ?"
and "Why i am here ?"

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yes. The reason for futility is inner blockage. Once what one truly wants is fully and truly sorted out, there is no futility. But then, that further points to why futility is depressing: things are only futile and one is only depressed, when one doesn't truly know oneself.

[tadeus]

It's not clear if i understand what you want to say.

So i just say that i have "decided" that it makes much sense to be a wanderer, because i could find myself in the book "Wanderer" from Carla.
This gives me the reason why i can see and feel this futility in the world, that is not recognized by much people, because they cannot see the matrix of the world.
Maybe this is helpful for you, when you don't want to discuss my questions ...

So my simple answer to the question of this thread is Resisting Futility!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Deciding to be a wanderer does not mean you have everything decided. Even if you decide you want to be of service to others, for instance, then there is deciding HOW, but then for that to matter, one must decide WHY. Not just why one wants to be of service to others, but why one wants to be of service to others in the way one does, then one must decide whether or not that reason given is truly and fully honest, and if there is not a deeper motivation to explore. The underlying motivations for everything, including both our goals and our self-sabotage, can be quite complex and require much introspection to figure out. Meanwhile, one may suffer with the depression and futility that comes with having yet to sort out these questions to one's satisfaction.

[tadeus]

Deciding to be a wanderer does not mean you have everything decided.

Of course you have decided this, because it was the decision of your higher self to incarnate as a wanderer.

Even if you decide you want to be of service to others, for instance, then there is deciding HOW, but then for that to matter, one must decide WHY.

WHY is answered by the perception of that you have decided to be here.  
HOW is really complicated, but you can learn to feel how you can influence the group consciousness and be in service to others.

Not just why one wants to be of service to others, but why one wants to be of service to others in the way one does, then one must decide whether or not that reason given is truly and fully honest, and if there is not a deeper motivation to explore.

Puh - yes and no - this feelings and disorientation can be a symptom of a wanderer - that's the reason why i asked you for the book of Carla.  

[EvolvingPhoenix]

"Of course you have decided this, because it was the decision of your higher self to incarnate as a wanderer."

That is not what I argued. I argued whether or not that means you have everything settled. there is more to decide on than just that, which is part of the reason why you are here. If you cannot understand that, then you might not have yourself figured out as well as you think you do.

"WHY is answered by the perception of that you have decided to be here."

Tautologically saying that the reason you are doing something is because you are doing something shows no REAL understanding of why you are doing it, or what makes it meaningful to do.

"HOW is really complicated, but you can learn to feel how you can influence the group consciousness and be in service to others."

Perhaps, but how to do it BETTER requires examination. And then making a decision. Not to mention, that you may not ACTUALLY want to do it, even if it WOULD be serviceable. In which case, further examination is required.

"Puh - yes and no - this feelings and disorientation can be a symptom of a wanderer - that's the reason why i asked you for the book of Carla."

"this feelings and disorientation can be a symptom of a wanderer"

It is also simply the symptom of existence, especially within the 3D.

"that's the reason why i asked you for the book of Carla."

Deciding whether or not I am a wanderer is not at the heart of the issue. Nor is it truly relevant. Whether I am a wanderer or a 3D native, the issue is what it is and being a wanderer does not change the issue itself. Saying to yourself "Oh, my soul decided it was going to incarnate here in some vague intention to raise the vibration, so I guess that clears up my ambivalence, my internal struggles and my conflicting desires and motivations" is simply unfeasible in such a scenario. Maybe you did decide on one thing before incarnating, but you still have to understand your choice, and when you actually LIVE the incarnation, you may have a change of heart. In which case, saying "Well, I INITIALLY intended on this" doesn't erase the conflicting desires, motivations and perspectives that earthly EXPERIENCE evokes.

[tadeus]

It's not simple to get an idea what you want to say?

It is also simply the symptom of existence, especially within the 3D.

This may explain the futility in a much more simple way.
3D is full of catalyst every time.

The situation we have now is not what we have expected when we have "booked" this incarnation.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Indeed it is not.

[tadeus]

Then simple say "s***" and try to enjoy the rest of the journey.

It's not possible to overcome the futility, but maybe to focus on the wonderful aspects of the material illusion.
That's not easy, but better as to stick in pure catalyst and depression.
Find the ways to manifest your reality. We have a free will!

[tadeus]

One more idea:

If you are able to believe you will find out that you are not alone.

You can learn more about the interaction of our self with time/space / ghosts / angels etc.
Read what Rudolf Steiner has found out about the progression and living on earth.

And you can try to communicate - there are many possibilities, e.g. Mirror Hours

At this time there are no more ideas for help ...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Then simple say "s***" and try to enjoy the rest of the journey.

It's not possible to overcome the futility, but maybe to focus on the wonderful aspects of the material illusion.
That's not easy, but better as to stick in pure catalyst and depression.
Find the ways to manifest your reality. We have a free will!

I JUST told you how it IS possible to overcome futility, actually. Re-read what I said.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

One more idea:

If you are able to believe you will find out that you are not alone.

You can learn more about the interaction of our self with time/space / ghosts / angels etc.
Read what Rudolf Steiner has found out about the progression and living on earth.

And you can try to communicate - there are many possibilities, e.g. Mirror Hours

At this time there are no more ideas for help ...

Thanks for the recommendations.

[tadeus]

Thanks for the recommendations.

You can find what i mean in From the Akasha-Chronicle

[pat19989]

Thanks for your input loostudent. When I say "Futility" I'm talking about some things you can never change. Maybe it's not futile to have my romantic and social needs met, but I'm having to accept the futility of ever getting my friend back. Call it black and white, but what shade of gray is there? There doesn't seem to be any hope she'll ever come around in the future, and that's painful, but maybe I won't be so depressed if I can come to terms with it and learn to accept it, rather than telling myself "I have to be able to convince my friend! I need reconciliation! I need to believe there's still hope!" you know what I mean?

Still, comparing myself to myself yesterday and not people doing better than me is probably really good advice.

Hi evolvingpheonix. thank you for sharing so much with the community, i have thoroughly enjoyed reading through everyone's advice and thoughts as well as your own.

I wanted to give my 2 cents to hopefully be of some help. Remember that I do not know that much about you as a person, only what I've read from this thread. I've never experienced what you are experiencing right now.

However, what I do have experience with is loneliness is self-doubt. Those two conditions have been my greatest challenges in this life. I have had to deal with moving away from my family and all my friends to a city where I do not have much of anyone. I have spent countless hours thinking about the past when I had friends and family to talk to and love all the time. This train of thinking has made me, and continues to make me, very depressed when I allow myself to think about it too much.

My healthiest coping mechanisms that I have developed over the past couple years have been three fold:
1. Remind yourself that time does not move forward as we experience it. Time simply is. View your whole life as a 3 dimensional object that is only partially complete, any love that was felt or shared at any point in your life lives in that object forever. Therefore, all of those moments you cherish with friends that are long gone still exist. Every beautiful moment you have ever been apart of lives forever. Any ounce of love you have put in the universe remains and is real in your being and anyone you shared it with.

2. Go outside, take a walk on a trail, look at the trees and the sun and be thankful for this earth we live on. Try not to think about any issues with humanity or human beings. This earth will never go anywhere as long as you live. If you learn to love nature, it will always be there for you.

3. Breathe. Let every breath remind you that you are present and alive. The present is the only true experience left, and the only experience you've ever known. Walk your path with confidence

love