Going through a rough patch...
11-21-2019, 06:43 PM,
#1
Going through a rough patch...
I would be very appreciative of any insights any of you folks might have on my situation.

Some background: I carry a very isolated life, I don't have any friends where I live. I'm unemployed and I have no motivation whatsoever to change that. The motivation that I find is for meditation and for inner work, that's what gets me up in the morning. Love motivates me, but my search for romantic love has always and very quickly ended with feelings of rejection and abandonment. I recently made a connection between my constant romantic rejections and some experiences of my late childhood and early teenage years where I was openly mocked and ridiculed in public, called things like "disgusting" without me having done anything to the other person. I've realized each new rejection activates a mental programming of deep unworthiness that was built due to all these experiences, which brings me more pain, despair and hopelessness than what each individual rejection by itself would bring.

A few months back I met this woman online. We connected with each other quickly and found a lot in common. We would talk for hours and hours, each and every single day, until it became obvious we had romantic feelings for each other. It felt so perfect. The attraction was there on all sorts of levels, both from her and me; mentally, emotionally, physically. Synchronicities left and right for us both. We would talk so much about spiritual concepts, and when I told her about the concept of the wanderer, she could immediately relate to it in a huge way.

When my unemployment situation popped up, she responded by saying that not only didn't she feel rejection at this, but that she felt even more connected to me, because she was in a very similar situation herself. Overall, she made me feel just like that, always: Accepted, appreciated, valued, supported. We were both thankful for having each other.

She would often talk of the need for her to find a job, and I had motivation to get out there and do my part in creating a future for ourselves.

Fast forward a few months. Something in her mind has changed. She talks to me about how she really doesn't want to get a job at all; ever. She wants to be a stay-at-home wife while the man is the sole provider. Then came a difference of opinion in whether watching pornography or having fantasies outside of one's partner constituted an infidelity or not. After that, she started looking for incompatibilities everywhere, things became a self-fulfilling prophecy, where she was generating impossible situations that could only end in her disappointment. Some issues could have been fixed so easily simply by working through them together, but I could tell she had given up on any and all effort. She just interpreted all these events as our relationship "not meant to be", instead of wanting to work on them.

The break up hurt, but what hurt even more was when, a few days later, and despite of knowing one part of my abandonment issues, she said she didn't even want to continue a friendship. One reason for this was that we're very similar and we have the same problems, so she considers that keeping in touch and supporting each other would keep us stuck in our problems instead of trying to improve upon them.

I hugely, hugely disagree with this. I think that people with similar problems (if STO oriented) can motivate each other to improve upon their shortcomings. But even more importantly, I find a foundation of love and understanding to be essential, and that it is precisely when someone feels unconditionally loved when that person becomes truly free to explore their full potential, without the unnecessary shackles of never feeling good enough, of always feeling the need to do this or that before considering oneself worthy of love.

I was motivated to look for a job when we were together, but she said that if we separate even in friendship and I feel zero motivation to go out there and get a job, that then I truly do not want to change for myself. While technically true, I believe that she's using wisdom in order to justify not giving the love that she had the choice of giving. While I believe in the importance of self-love, we as humans have certain needs. The need for acceptance, for social inclusion, for intimacy, for love, etc. Is it technically possible to find the love within and to radiate it, even when these needs are not met on the outside? I suppose it is possible. But the less we have these things on the outside, the less likely it is that we will find our radiance within. This is what I believe. We came here to radiate love, so that any person touched by love would have more resources to find their own inner radiance.

I don't want to use this abandonment (nor all the others I've experienced) as an excuse to give up on seeking my own love within... But I can't help but think that she made a very self-centered choice, that she could have stayed at least in friendship with me, and that we could have created something beautiful out of that, which could have been of support to us both. I can't help but feel some bitterness and resentment towards her. These feelings sometimes have turned into an acceptance, an unconditional kind of love that I've felt two times for just a small window of time, but it felt so pure and genuine, where it didn't matter what happened to me or what she did in relation to me. But other times the bitterness and the resentment come, along with the hopelessness. I know I need to work on my own perception of lack of love, and to learn to radiate this love from me, before I even consider forgiving her more fully. That's the end goal, but one step at a time. It feels so hard, though... I wish I had someone with whom to find mutual support, each believing in the potential of the other, rather than just walking away and telling themselves that I will just find on my own whatever resources I need, without regard as to what may happen if I don't manage to do that...

Technically, she has kept our lines of communication open. She told me to write to her through one website, if I am to do it. But when I asked how she would feel if I'm feeling really down and under the need to write to her, she said: "I would really prefer it if you didn't do it". I want to write to her to tell her some of these things, to leave them out in the open, and have that flow of blue ray energy. She wanted to say goodbye so quickly that in our last talk I could only think of some things to say. But I don't think I would be respecting her free will if I wrote to her.

I don't think I'm without resources. I have decent experience being mindful of my thoughts and present in the here and now, so that I don't get completely carried away by negativity. I have enough faith to believe that all of this may be happening for a reason. But this really really feels like such harsh catalyst to me... And I can't help but think that life is just going to be that for me; harsh catalyst, one right after another, with not enough positive events to counterbalance them.

Any thoughts are welcome. I feel I need some support, and to feel closer to a community. I think this is why I'm writing this.

Thank you for reading.
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11-21-2019, 07:10 PM,
#2
RE: Going through a rough patch...
Hi Ray,
That just SUCKS! I am sorry you are experiencing what is a loss.

It is nice to have someone with a similar path and history to walk through life with.
Sometimes they can only walk part of the way.

I do not want to try to determine why her plan forward changed because life has taught me it's never as simple as we think. Regection would be abloyt US but peoples behavior is generally about them so it isn't really rejection just misalignment.
Misalignment of needs, or fears, or pathways forward.

I will venture that it wasn't rejection but fear. She went from looking for a job and you looking for a job to deciding she wanted to be a SAHM. I would guess like most things that was a fear issue since she was experiencing unemployment and was trying to over come it but changed course by giving up. Maybe it was to much and in that place of fear she had to find other reasons the relationship wouldn't work.

Most human behaviors are rooted in fear, so I do not think that is a stretch to assume. There is love or fear.

Regardless you are without her now. All I can say is remember what you were starting to do when you had her.
You were motivated to start building a future right? You were brave enough to be vulnerable, and until she got scare of life you were accepted. So going from that you know you want to feel this way of accepted, connected, and to eventually build a life with someone.

It doesn't have to be her. Use the motivation she showed you, you could have to start building that life. You will likely meet more people out working and maybe one of them will be able to connect with you in a way that is based in love not fear.

I am sorry I do not have more wisdom to share with you.
Know if you are strong enough to be vulnerable once and feel connection and love then you can find it within yourself again when the right person arrives. Time to meet someone who can meet you in that goal. (((big hug)))
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11-21-2019, 07:46 PM, (This post was last modified: 11-21-2019, 07:47 PM by ada.)
#3
RE: Going through a rough patch...
Hey there Ray, thank you for sharing this part of your experience with us.

From what I could feel and think when reading and connecting to your story, I would share that I felt that you both were somewhat down or lost.

And in a synchronistic way as you suggested, the universe temporarily connected you both, and you served, you shared your wisdom, your love, your energy, all of you. In that sharing, you served each other, you energized, comforted and healed.

But then it seems, although we are all walking a similar path, that path has infinite pathways for us to explore. And you both walked hand by hand, even if briefly, but beautifully together and that shone so so bright. I would imagine a whole galaxy lightening up. Smile

So please, cheer up, neither you did wrong, you served so honestly. You lifted each other from what seemed to be dark, you made hope, a hand to help each other continue walking, even if not together. Though you, we, only seem to be apart.

I wish you cheerfulness, and that you feel your happiness of being, you give to another what you knew you wanted to receive in the past, and that is enough. Heart
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11-21-2019, 08:32 PM,
#4
RE: Going through a rough patch...
Thank you, Glow. Thank you, ada. I felt your good intentions when writing your words, and it deeply touched me. I appreciate it very much.

You're absolutely right, Glow. "Rejection" is about the other person, so it really isn't so. The fact that I tend to use loaded words such as that one, or "abandonment", betrays a negative bias from my part. I know this, but it seems I am still somewhat attached to the notion of my story being one of pain and difficulty. This is dangerous because where there's a perceived victim, there's a perceived aggressor, who is then easier to dehumanize.

You mentioned the possibility of her acting upon fear, and I believe this as well. I have this idea in my mind that if I can make her see this, if I can make her see the "error" in her ways, things will go back to what they were. Suffice to say, this is the hallmark of STS.

The good news is that I'm aware of these patterns of the mind. I'm working on this, and I'm optimistic I can make great changes, however much it takes.

And you're right, I can use this motivation I've experienced to make something of it, and to keep pursuing the kind of relationship I want. Meeting her definitely reminded me of desires I had partly given up on.

Reading you, I like to think so as well, ada, that we served each other, Earth, and the Creator. That light was brought in. It helps to think that. Thank you for your kind words and good wishes.

Thank you both again. Smile
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11-21-2019, 09:59 PM,
#5
RE: Going through a rough patch...
I have a question. You say you don't want a job (which I totally get), but other than meditation/studying/advancing spiritually, do you do anything else? Such as, have a website where you blog (you're a good writer).

A problem I see if I understand your situation, is that you have a lot of time to think and analyze. I would suggest balancing that with other things: producing something; volunteering; etc.—something physical in nature. I say this because it works for me, but I don't claim to know you, your life, or your life plans.

I understand the desire to be with someone and share life, whether it's romantic or just friendship. But as you already know, this is something that can't be forced. It has to be organic, which unfortunately, is not how Internet hookups seem to be. You can't look a person in the eyes, or feel their energy. 

If this woman wants someone to take care of her so she can just be a wife, I would ask myself if this is the sort of person you would want to be with anyway. Personally, because I feel the urgency of creating something here, that's the last thing I would want, but that's just me. This may help to get things into perspective, and possibly see her more clearly.

As for this woman who wants to let what you had go, of course you know the answer to that—let it go, with dignity and love. But yeah, there is the forgiveness thing. The ho'oponopono prayer works for me and gets my head and heart straightened out pretty well. But contrary to what some people think, that you only have to say "ho'oponopono," I disagree. I have to actually say the words below, so I really feel them on all levels:

I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
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11-22-2019, 07:05 AM,
#6
RE: Going through a rough patch...
Thank you for your response, Diana.

I'm at a point in time now where I'm either eliminating or reducing activities that I don't think are useful on my journey anymore. So, there's not much else I'm doing, but with all that extra time, it could be a first step towards engaging in other sorts of activities, like you said. Thank you for your compliment, and yes, writing is an interest of mine that I think I can definitely explore further, like you suggested.

One big desire that I have is to be able to make a living out of something related to spirituality, but I haven't gotten to a point where I can do any of that. I have a university degree in psychology, but I became disillusioned with the big focus that it tends to have on things that can be measured and quantified, rather than on what I consider to be meaningful, and the market here is not good for psychologists. It usually requires a second job even if you are successful.

You're right, when those problems popped up I started losing certain interest, as I'm not attracted to such one-sided femininity. There were other things that came after which I also found to be rather unattractive. Nothing that could have prevented a friendship, I believe, but she made her choice, so, like you said, now it's a matter of taking things with love and dignity.
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11-22-2019, 10:48 AM, (This post was last modified: 11-22-2019, 10:59 AM by Diana.)
#7
RE: Going through a rough patch...
(11-22-2019, 07:05 AM)Ray711 Wrote:  I'm at a point in time now where I'm either eliminating or reducing activities that I don't think are useful on my journey anymore. So, there's not much else I'm doing, but with all that extra time, it could be a first step towards engaging in other sorts of activities, like you said. Thank you for your compliment, and yes, writing is an interest of mine that I think I can definitely explore further, like you suggested.

One big desire that I have is to be able to make a living out of something related to spirituality, but I haven't gotten to a point where I can do any of that. I have a university degree in psychology, but I became disillusioned with the big focus that it tends to have on things that can be measured and quantified, rather than on what I consider to be meaningful, and the market here is not good for psychologists. It usually requires a second job even if you are successful.

If you do decide to blog (it's easy with a Wordpress site and a free theme; ideally you want your own hosting but you can do the whole thing free on wordpress.com) or write books (if you write a book and don't know anything about publishing it I can help you), your degree will be a good credential that will set you apart.

I totally understand simplifying and streamlining your life. Today's world is so complicated. You would have liked Jade's last TwitchTV streaming—the discussion was about staying out of the "maelstrom."

Wishing you the very best in navigating this patch in your journey. Smile



Here is Plenum's law-of-one themed Wordpress blog site hosted on wordpress.com as an example:

https://thirddensityalchemist.wordpress.com

And one of my sites (my own hosting and that reflects in the url) where I have written a few articles:

http://warriorspirit.net
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11-22-2019, 10:51 AM, (This post was last modified: 11-22-2019, 10:51 AM by RitaJC.)
#8
RE: Going through a rough patch...
I hear you loud and clear.

Such experiences can be the most painful catalysts.

An old video with Gregg Braden might help you understand your situation (it helped me when I was in a similar situation)



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11-22-2019, 08:03 PM,
#9
RE: Going through a rough patch...
I actually thought for the longest time to write a book, now that you mention it, Diana. I kept writing so many notes and guidelines over the years. I'll take you up on your offer if I decide to return to that project and finish it. Smile I wonder, though, do you have any experience or thoughts on Amazon publishing?

Thank you for your good wishes and suggestions.

Having watched your video, Rita, the kind of mirror that resonates the most is the one related to challenges and to measuring one's level of mastery. The same kind of catalyst has repeated so much in my life, but each and each time I've managed to respond better to it. Last year I went through a similar situation, but the connection with the other person wasn't as extraordinary, so it didn't affect me as much, and I was able to forgive way too easily. This time, however, was different. This person came into my life ticking all of the right boxes in a truly uncanny way, leaving no room for doubt that our encounter had metaphysical forces behind it. Guess my higher-self thought that this was the time for the master test...

Even though I have not yet arrived to complete forgiveness inside of myself, we ended our last talk in good terms, being sincere but showing appreciation, and sincerely wishing each other well. I think that's good.

This is an interesting coincidence, because I made a search for "abandonment" on L/L Research's archives, and the first session that popped up included a question on this subject whose answer I found very meaningful to me (perhaps it will be to others who may have not read it yet, too). I find it includes similar concepts:

https://llresearch.org/transcripts/issues/2005/2005_0520.aspx
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11-23-2019, 12:10 AM,
#10
RE: Going through a rough patch...
(11-22-2019, 08:03 PM)Ray711 Wrote:  I actually thought for the longest time to write a book, now that you mention it, Diana. I kept writing so many notes and guidelines over the years. I'll take you up on your offer if I decide to return to that project and finish it. Smile I wonder, though, do you have any experience or thoughts on Amazon publishing?

I do know a bit about publishing on Amazon and will outline a few things here. You can publish both an ebook and a print-on-demand book for free. The only problem with that is everybody does it, so if you don't advertise or promote your book, it can get lost in a sea of millions of books. That said, it is a great service to Indie authors.

If you are on a Mac, there is a fantastic publishing software program called Vellum, which is easy to use and will export any sort of file: .mobi, .epub, print to a variety of sizes—for any platform. You can write your book in it or import a Word file. There are many other ways to create a book ready for Amazon, but this was the best way I found. 

You set up a KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) account, and from there you can publish as many books as you want, even under different pseudonyms. There is also a separate Author Central page you can set up with your published books and a bio, which can be linked to your blog and will grab the blog posts and put them on that page. 

Amazon has 60% of the market or thereabouts, so it is a good place to start. 
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11-23-2019, 05:10 AM,
#11
RE: Going through a rough patch...
Gotcha. Thanks for all the details. Amazon feels like the most attractive option to me, at the moment. What are the best ways of advertisement that you've found, in your experience?
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11-23-2019, 11:59 AM, (This post was last modified: 11-23-2019, 12:06 PM by Diana.)
#12
RE: Going through a rough patch...
(11-23-2019, 05:10 AM)Ray711 Wrote:  Gotcha. Thanks for all the details. Amazon feels like the most attractive option to me, at the moment. What are the best ways of advertisement that you've found, in your experience?

I'm still learning. By the time you get your first draft done, I will know more. Amazon ads are not simple, and they aren't set-and-forget. There are FB ads, and Google ads. You can guest blog and plug your book. In my experience—and this is counter to a lot of the advice out there that focuses almost exclusively on the marketing—don't worry about that while you write your book. I don't like to think about marketing when I am writing because it divides my attention, and can influence what I am writing. I like to be immersed in the magic of creation, whatever that might be, regardless of what is trending in the media or what readers are buying. 

Back to the authors who do write to the market. There are many really successful people who do that. For example, young adult novels have been trending for some time, and many authors write them knowing that. By hopping on the trends you can make money, and that's fine. I have been on that side of the fence as an illustrator. I was very successful as an illustrator, but it messed with any inspiration in me to actually create original art, which I had done all the time growing up. So, write for the market and trends which is more of a business thing, or toss that to the wind and just write what is inside of you to write, and that is where the magic is. Either way writing is fun.
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11-26-2019, 03:09 PM,
#13
RE: Going through a rough patch...
I can definitely relate to the notion of preferring to write what one feels inspired to, Diana, rather than what is trending. I have an aversion for the latter, which has its obvious drawbacks!

Was it difficult for you to do this? Were you able to recover your inspiration easily once you came back to making original art?

I think it's a good idea what you said, to work on the art and to forget about the marketing until the work if finished.
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11-26-2019, 04:01 PM,
#14
RE: Going through a rough patch...
(11-26-2019, 03:09 PM)Ray711 Wrote:  Was it difficult for you to do this? Were you able to recover your inspiration easily once you came back to making original art?

I haven't come back to it yet. For two years I have had a painting room set up with a bunch of canvases, oils paints, brushes, and a canvas on an easel. Still haven't started a painting. 

I will someday. I even know what I'm going to paint. But at the moment I'm getting a new business up and running. I don't have enough motivation obviously, because I was writing even when I was super busy working on other businesses. When I do start painting, I'm sure I will love it. Smile
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11-26-2019, 05:15 PM,
#15
RE: Going through a rough patch...
(11-26-2019, 04:01 PM)Diana Wrote:  For two years I have had a painting room set up with a bunch of canvases, oils paints, brushes, and a canvas on an easel. Still haven't started a painting. 

Sounds terribly familiar. Big Grin

What about writing? Is that an area where you've been able to earn money doing what you were motivated to write?
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11-26-2019, 11:11 PM,
#16
RE: Going through a rough patch...
(11-26-2019, 05:15 PM)Ray711 Wrote:  
(11-26-2019, 04:01 PM)Diana Wrote:  For two years I have had a painting room set up with a bunch of canvases, oils paints, brushes, and a canvas on an easel. Still haven't started a painting. 

Sounds terribly familiar.  Big Grin

What about writing? Is that an area where you've been able to earn money doing what you were motivated to write?

I have written nonfiction books for a publisher. The fiction was a "hobby." I did publish a novel, and some other stuff on Amazon more recently, but I'm not marketing them—too busy—so they aren't doing anything.

You can check out my two fiction author websites:
http://authordlfisher.com
http://dianafeathers.com

At some point I would like to turn my attention to marketing my fiction. Smile
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