new here. sharing a life situation

[11celia11]

Hi All. I've been a longtime lurker here and a loyal listener to "In the Now." My friend Eric introduced me to the Law of One material after he and I bonded over spirituality-related interests while living in a co-op. I started meditating every day in 2016.
I'm a musician by choice and by training.
Several patterns in my 21 years of life began to come to the fore after I started smoking cannabis every day (fall 2017).
Before that I was a social smoker. Every weekend I would light up with friends.
(I was always looking to "level up" socially from the time I was around 9 years old and felt alienated by my peers)
Following some times I turned to the plant (see above) after dysfunctional sexual situations, it became an easy outlet for my anxiety and confusion.
The numbness allowed me to overwork myself at school and gain false fulfillment from seeking perfection and always able to do whatever anyone asks, foremost the academic system. (My shadow side is competitive.)
Meanwhile I still thought I was rebellious for smoking every day.

I realize I'm scared of pursuing something because I'm afraid to take ownership. In my head my life will be great if I can do everything people tell me to do to be smart, be a good musician by outside standards, etc.
Now I'm scared of doing anything toward my studies out of fear that it is not the right choice for me, that I will get sucked into overworking again.
Last fall I started some spiritual growth work with a teacher which was both centering and tumultuous at times. Encouragement from my teacher for me to stop smoking cannabis led me to switch from smoking to eating as an addiction. In March I spent five days in the hospital for a suicide attempt.
Now I still self-sabotage in the form of isolating and sleeping poorly and eating sugar.

Lately I am seeing the light and letting tears fall. The book "Brida" by Paulo Coelho is a beautiful story and through it I am able to return to myself. I have had two great therapists who helped me a lot since I have been in the hospital. When I am around people my own age I can interact with them fine, though I sometimes communicate with empty intentions just to fill the silence. Sometimes I just feel like I want to take orders from someone instead of listen to myself, though I cannot go this way anymore. It is hard to return to myself around others.

Any thoughts/conversation on this thread or PMs are welcomed and appreciated.

I am grateful for the friendship that exists within this community. <3 Celia (she her hers)

[Ray711]

Hi! You've probably been a lurker for longer than I have been here, but welcome!

I'm sorry you have gone through the hardships you shared with us. We live in a society that has deeply warped and twisted notions of love, so it's no surprise that all of us develop the personality patterns and coping mechanisms that we perceive help us best in obtaining a lesser kind of love than the one that is our divine right. If for you it was overworking and fulfilling people's expectations, for me it's kind of the opposite. Although it looks like we share some of the coping mechanisms you mentioned.

You may have heard the idea that incarnation slots on Earth are deeply desired by souls nowadays, because of all the opportunities that such an unloving environment offers to the soul in learning how to find the love within. I think it helps to look at the process of dismantling our social conditionings and personality makeup as some sort of game, one that can be looked at from a child-like standpoint, and seeing every apparent difficulty as a challenge with a deeper meaning behind it. For me it's been freeing to try adopting this mindset as much as possible.

Take things slow, and be compassionate with yourself. Try to tell yourself that you are deserving of the highest and purest of loves, while simultaneously striving towards self-improvement. Not because of a notion that you need to do this or that before you are worthy of love, but because the desire to move forward comes from a purer desire within you. Holding the seeming paradox that we are simultaneously perfect and imperfect is one that I've found to work great for me.

[11celia11]

Take things slow, and be compassionate with yourself. Try to tell yourself that you are deserving of the highest and purest of loves, while simultaneously striving towards self-improvement. Not because of a notion that you need to do this or that before you are worthy of love, but because the desire to move forward comes from a purer desire within you. Holding the seeming paradox that we are simultaneously perfect and imperfect is one that I've found to work great for me.

Hi Ray. Thanks for your reply.
“but because this desire to move forward comes from a purer desire within you” was a line that really resonated with me.
This morning I was singing to myself, “i am deserving of self-fulfillment .... others are deserving of self-fulfillment” alternating in an exploration of balancing. These are also two ideas I am challenged with holding at the same time.

[Ray711]

Nice!

I'm also working on balancing that, because I find that once self-love starts to be found, temptations from the side of negativity can arise if we don't see this love reflected on the outside. "I'm worthy of love, these people are ignorant for not seeing this truth", the shadow seems to say. So, I do just what you said, in order to avoid falling into that, while also telling myself that it's every soul's right to ignore the truth of love if they so desire, and that this is perfectly alright.

[Kalle]

I've had an on-off relationship for years with weed myself, it seems sometimes it helps, sometimes it hinders. Fitting in hasn't been too easy for me, it seems sometimes like I am too busy at war with myself to engage more with others. I'm settling slowly though, I hope you too can learn to trust yourself and that it's ok to make mistakes. I've longed for a helping hand, to be told what to do from a fear of moving forward (it's difficult at times) but the lesson sets in eventually - life will pass you by if you don't get off your butt and go live it.

[kristina]

Welcome 11celia!
We all deserve love and self fulfillment is so true.It is our divine right. Thank you Ray711 and Celia for the reminder.