Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
04-14-2020, 12:57 AM,
Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
After discussing various things here, including "Comparing Ra and the Cassiopaeans", I thought it time to finally post an introduction.

The first part of this is based on an unposted personal update I wrote for the Cassiopaea forum in December 2017, but couldn't bring myself to post. It describes the inner events which, eventually, led to leaving that community.

In the terms of this community, it could be called my personal "wanderer's awakening". As I learned, such a thing is ultimately not compatible with the community I was part of before.

Quote:I have been much less active for the last two years. What I have gone through, in inner experience, has simply become too much to discuss. [...]

I have lived through an inner drama which has taken up the entire "surface" of such experience (thought, feeling, sensation, etc.). It began clear and structured, but later became chaotic. I have been pendulating between structuring it all in my mind, and having the volume and variety of it all break down my frameworks and means of structuring.

On the emotional side of it all, issues that had been kept in line or under the surface through willpower, and others I wasn't clearly aware of beforehand, inflamed and - for periods of time - swallowed up my inner life until some point was reached when they were replaced by calm and detachment. In turn, there has been pendulation between this "process", calmer states, and positively experienced states different from anything that has gone before them in my life.

Below I've included quotes from what I wrote in mid-2016, which partially described things as of then.
2016-05 post 1 Wrote:Long story short, in August last year, part of the unconscious self broke through into communication with the conscious self. The inner dialogue became bidirectional - I both thought thoughts from myself, and the larger self beyond the conscious mind formed thoughts directed to my conscious mind. Along with this, a long sequence of inner symbolic presentations (which formed in a kind of dynamic improvisation) unfolded. These were interspersed and interlinked with this inner dialogue, and with recapitulating my past very extensively and coming to see new themes, and old themes in a more unified way. I also explored a very large range of thoughts and feelings related to the future (in large part, working through old fears and false assumptions, through inner scenarios where I explored them and their consequences to the point of breaking them down, when it led to absurdities and I got the inner space to question my old beliefs).

In outward appearance, I've been more focused in thought, somewhat daydreamy, and spent a whole lot of time sitting by myself as well as in bed. My father basically concluded that I was going through a depression, which is part of the picture, and I've not told my parents about the more involved aspects of the inner experience, since that would probably just lead to them panicking at the idea of such strong feelings and unusual things in inner life. (Just telling them about the strongest feelings I've worked through would probably be way too much of a shock for them, so I'm keeping it all private.)

While the whole process has gone on, I've only been able to follow the process. Often this meant that, instead of diving into books, or anxiously beginning to do things, I was forced to slow down and work through emotional knots deep inside. The 'range' of what I've been able to focus on and do has been limited throughout, and shifted along with the various stages of the process. Throughout it all - recapitulation, and exploring things in active imagination (as a co-participant of what the process came up with), and times when less went on in the mind - there was something like the 'pendulation' described by Peter Levine in processing stuck emotional charge. Strong feelings and bodily tensions came into focus, my attention became semi-distanced while observing it and also experiencing a sense of very strong energy buzzing through my entire being, and then part of the 'layer' of tensions and stuck emotion dissolved over a short time, and then the whole thing receded. Later on, from time to time, further 'rounds' were gone through. And someimes implicit memories were processed, and I felt sensations corresponding to environments and situations earlier in life. And from time to time, some thought would form and present a simple insight into my past and present (particularly the emotional picture) which I had not been able to arrive at on my own before.
The whole thing began after a period of inner work on emotion in the summer of 2015. Inspired by positive ideals (in part from the forum and in part from books), I strove to be what those ideals amounted to in my heart, while excluding all I saw as part of "the feeding machine".

(In turn, that period followed one of inner upheaval in May, when I lived through fears of spirit attachment. With some inner work followed by networking, I then realized that I was really at odds with and afraid of part of my own psyche.)

When the inner communication began, it presented some general ideas, including that I had spent my life "building yourself up and burning yourself out at the same time", and really needed to heal. The self was also described as "a living, self-modifying program", which can potentially "become an interface between the machine and the higher self". Some symbolic presentations have concerned the realization of the latter.

The general outward shape of it all became that of depression after a few months. There was a kind of high point to the whole experience in the first half of October 2015. After that, there came a series of turning points: in the second half of October, in early-to-mid November, and finally in early December. After that, the inner communication became very noisy and chaotic, and negative emotions became very strongly inflamed. Symbolic experiences began which concerned psychic battles.

However chaotic things became at times, there remained a tendency towards a greater ordering. (A signal larger than the noise is what has convinced me to stay with the whole process and see how it unfolds rather than to seek some way to end it, e.g. conventional "help".) And, in hindsight, without the chaos and the breaking down of simpler attempts at structuring the whole, it wouldn't have been possible to arrive at better ways of structuring. Back then, I could deal with things either being metaphorical or factual, but not as well with more complicated mixtures of the two containing a great deal of ambiguity. My metaphorical thinking was also largely limited to one-to-one, one-to-many, and many-to-one correspondences (unless simply treating something as fiction and not really analyzing it).
2016-05 post 1, continued Wrote:During this whole time, I've been less active on the forum, and I've also mostly put work on CassWiki aside. I've been very gradually learning (or beginning to learn) to do something I never could before, which is to relax. (Before, to relax part of my self would always be accompanied by remaining tense in other parts of the self, or even becoming more tense. In part this is still the case, but the overall, constant tension is much reduced.) And I think the way I've been slowly burning out over the years (since late childhood / early teens, or even earlier), in a constant state of intense anxiety and a mixture of other strong emotions which I've been partly dissociated from, but became more conscious of last year, it will take some time to further recover from.

An important result of it all, so far, is that I've finally become able to arrive at a more unified understanding of just about everything I've been trying to understand before. I used to understand some things deeply, and also to connect some things on a larger scale through abstract pattern thinking, but I greatly lacked breadth of comprehension. All the time, I was yanked around between narrow mental corridors, my mind driven deep into them, as well as between them, by strong fears, hopes, resentment, and rigid idealism. There is now more 'space' to connect things more broadly, instead of trying to push further 'into' every subject in an extremely driven way. And it feels as if I have, ahead of me, a journey of rediscovering and striving to further understand everything I've ever tried to understand (along with a great many other things). As if my journey of learning has only just begun in earnest.

I remember a walk I took a bit over a year ago. I felt somehow as if I were 'very old', and trying to make sense of a lifetime's barrage of strong and only half-digested impressions, a mass of things which, if added together rather than explored separately, just turned into a confusion, a question which could not be formulated. Everything I've been through since has broken apart a series of rigid structures in the psyche, and made me process (in a broad variety of ways) everything in my past, and everything I built upon what I simultaneously felt as if I knew and didn't know, and understood and didn't understand.

The past months since August feel as if they 'contain' more than the 8 years prior in my life. And those 8 years (the time since I first found Laura's work) in turn 'contained' more than the 19 years I've lived before that in my life. It's a matter of the quality of what is lived and understood, the range of what is possible to be conscious of at the same time, and also, feeling healthy in a way which I could not have imagined beforehand. Before, I was internally tied up by a metacircular tangle of emotional contradictions.

The stranger contents of my inner life have been left out of the above. (There was a great deal to it which simply could not be said in the Cassiopaea community.)

Part of it strongly pointed me away from the Cassiopaea community. Though not understood clearly at first, very early on it included an indication that I had to leave it all behind. Some personal symbolism, including dreams, from the years before 2015 also seem to lead up to what unfolded then.

More on the last years

After 2017, I continued experiencing the inner process, breaking down and rebuilding my worldview. It dragged out into a curious inner limbo which on the one hand never left me at rest, and where on the other hand I gradually lost most of the heaviest bitterness and impatience I had been living with for very long.

The tunnel vision I still had, connected to the belief system of the previous community, gave way only gradually, in looking at some of what was most deeply rooted. Deep, as in deep-seated emotional associations, and also as in seeing and coming to "understand" very much through a filter, and becoming dependent on that filter.

After 2018, I had "lightened up" enough that I could begin participating here, without the old inner knee-jerk responses at what I would have condescendingly viewed as navel-gazing, things being too "New Agey", etc., in accordance with the old views I had adopted.

Now I am plainly as "crazy", "weird", and "lost" as the regulars here who would fit that description through a Cassiopaean lense. (In turn, the same labels fit the Cassiopaea community even more strongly through conventional eyes.) By Cassiopaean standards, it basically follows that I have "chosen the Matrix", and "fallen" into STS mentality, just like all the other navel-gazing egomaniacs who believe that they can "see" and "think" on their own.

After 2019, formally leaving all association with the previous community behind me, and having opened up about the kind of thought which cannot be shared there, I feel much better. Unburdened.

I'm restarting my online life. It became poisonous after the 00's, but 2020 is my year of hindsight. As for my non-online life, I hope to get it going again on a different footing, able once more to take my own dreams seriously.
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04-15-2020, 12:16 AM,
RE: Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
I'll follow that up with more on the Law of One and what brought me here. Though that ties into the transition between the two communities.

(The above post may be both a bit wordy and a bit too abstract/general in its description of that inner process I went through. But it is the clearest and most complete write-up I have, and the earliest, and I thought it best to get it posted.)

I found the Ra material through the writing on the Cassiopaea website. Going by the timestamps on old files I have, I may have first read the old 5 Law of One books beginning in early 2009. I noted the Ra material to be different in some sense, but the strongest sense of that difference was very abstract.

The lawofone.info website is also something I've visited from time to time over the years before I got here. The Cassiopaean channeling is supposedly from the same source, so a fairly big portion of people in the Cassiopaea community read and discuss it from time to time.

When working on the "CassWiki" website, which was up from 2015 and a few years after, and the successor to the older "Esoteric Glossary" and "Cassiopedia", I found it somewhat sad how there was this isolation; a bunch of material on related esoteric topics gathered, but none to work with outside the Cassiopaea community. That wall is there, dividing people belonging to the same "soul families" who are either on the inside or the outside. There's the "Gnosis" people who have a related esoteric connection based on the Fourth Way teaching; and there's the loose collection of sites and communities reachable from lawofone.info; etc.

Why is that wall there, really? Why the enormous divisiveness, which separates those who go with "Cassiopaea" from nearly all who don't, to the extent of other communities with great information and positive ideals not being on speaking terms with the Cassiopaea community?

An old answer, that of the Cassiopaea community, is that everyone else is "asleep", having fallen prey to one or more of the standard stumbling blocks to positive spirituality. They cannot "go there", because they are too afraid, hiding from reality; or too full of themselves, or submerged in a subtly negative philosophy which makes for "passivity" instead of trying to change the world for the better; etc.

Another old answer, that of Montalk and others (though few write their thoughts on such things clearly for others to read), is that the Cassiopaea community became corrupt fairly early on, insulating itself both psychologically and spiritually in a paranoid bubble, from which all faults relating to the whole are projected onto others.

Then there's the loudest voice on the matter during the 00's, a coalition of rather vile trolls and online stalkers going after every key person and thing Cassiopaea-related and drowning out all reasonable criticism, creating enormous emotional polarization and fueling the "us vs. them" division. Montalk thought that they emotionally wrecked the key people, creating the paranoid bubble and all that followed.

Yet another possibility is that it all began with a negative imitation of 6D STO being channeled, its influence "growing down" into fuller manifestation over the years. All the great challenges faced by the core group in the Cassiopaea community are then catalyst successfully used to grow in a negative direction. This explanation makes more sense for those who cannot reconcile the nature of the early Cassiopaeans with that of Ra.

I started out thinking that it had gone wrong, but was still positive at the core, during a time period from late 2015 and on. But I was also aware of long-standing and oft-seen patterns where people think they have "seen the light" and need to show the core group where they have gone wrong to bring it back on track. It never ends well. Such people are always made fools of, at best, and often crash and burn, appearing to mentally degenerate.

Now I have arrived at the last option above: a deceptive imitation growing down through the densities over the years. It's a main option, but I was torn on it until last year. There's an extensive trail of symbolism described in relation to the Cassiopaean Experiment, from decades before the contact and probably into the future. Montalk's explanation does not try to take the full pattern into account. When taken into account, it all appears to have unfolded, basically, according to a "plan" at a higher-density level; there's a meaningful continuity, and great changes such as those Montalk described do not interrupt the symbolic "thread".

Where am I at in relation to this community? The Law of One material remains a main meaningful source of spiritual information for me. I also think that this community has its heart in the right place, though is less intellectually developed than the Cassiopaea community.

The analytical side of L/L Research mostly died with Don Elkins, it seems; I admire the preserving of the original material and what it represents, and the maintaining of a place for exchange related to that; but I also note the intellectual vacuum left behind, and still not filled here.

That vacuum is where the Cassiopaean Experiment entered and took off. They continued the research and analysis not done by L/L Research after Don died, but replaced the spiritual core around which it all revolves with something very different.

It used to be that the Cassiopaea community looked like "the intellectual option" compared with this, while this one looked to be all about New Age-style love and light with little of the mind happening beyond that.

Now the two have become so strikingly different that it's overtly a matter of which fundamental "spirituality" is seen as positive, or of value.

All kinds of spiritual resources were sucked into the Cassiopaean Experiment in the past: which books contain the best information (in relation to more discerning and multi-layered presentations of positive spirituality), plenty derived from or quoted from such works, plenty of discussion, plenty of time and energy, and people into all of it. Great "building materials" for further work and positive use.

But when looking at what it all ended up amounting to, it's pretty depressing. So I hope to extract some good stuff and place it here, over time, and see what people do with it, if anything. It seems like a good thing to do in parallel with rebuilding my personal worldview, and striving for a better synthesis.

Winds of change are blowing through this community, but it's not yet clear where it's heading. A different kind of vacuum seems to have been left with Carla's passing. At the same time, there's the advance of the newly and more accurately retranscribed Ra material. Following the current lull in activity, what next?

It will be interesting to see what happens over time. All I can bring (on this level at least), is a fairly random sprinkling of complementary information here and there; with no claims as to how well I have "mastered" anything in practice.

One day, I hope to put together something a little bit like what I did with the "CassWiki" website, but differently centered, not concerned with presenting the consensus of a community, but rather simply accurately presenting the structure of ideas, and their relations, in the Law of One, the Fourth Way teaching, and other things of a basically compatible (or meaningful to cross-reference) nature. But that's not an idea for the present, unless others are interested in engaging in a similar kind of effort.
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04-15-2020, 03:28 AM,
RE: Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
I'm having to play some catch-up in this drama a little bit, but it's keeping my interest so far.
In any case, welcome Smile
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04-26-2020, 01:36 AM,
RE: Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
(04-15-2020, 03:28 AM)Foha Wrote:  I'm having to play some catch-up in this drama a little bit, but it's keeping my interest so far.
In any case, welcome Smile

I hope to keep my part in "the drama" reasonable and fairly detached, something often missing in what's found on the web regarding these matters. I'm also going about it slowly, focusing more on other things. But it's prominent in my mind because so many things come together with it, and the 2015 personal turning point.

I feel welcome. At first, I feared that the range of thinking, interests, and approaches here would be too different from my own, but I've found that there's a great diversity.

And so, for example, while I tend to dismiss some of the non-L/L channeled material others are into as not personally of any interest, I've also found that there's people here who are more intellectually vital than I had expected. It was here that I got critical feedback on the things which I initially shared both here and on the Cassiopaea forum - not there! It goes with the more open approach, I think, people thinking and sharing with much less inhibition.
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04-26-2020, 02:09 AM,
RE: Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
Before that 2015 turning point, and apart from involvement in any spiritual community, there's a scattered collection of things which also enter into my spiritual approach and "story". It's difficult to group into a single clear "theme".

One trail, from around 2005 and on, is a clear interest in hobby software programming, and a changing interest in computer science topics afterwards. Metaphysically, I've developed a vaguely "Platonist" bent, deeply attracted by an inner vision of abstract patterns and processes at different levels of reality.

It ties into a curiously divided attitude I've had towards spirituality my whole life. Too rational for religion, too mystical for atheism, and in two minds about various "New Age"-like topics.

One the one hand, I'm submerged in intense inner experience with mystical elements. On the other hand, in most cases I instinctively maintain a mental distance from embracing frameworks, explanations, and beliefs. Often I feel torn, sometimes pendulating.

There's the "objective mind" and the "subjective mind", and the contrast is often very sharp, and I can ignore neither.

Why did the "Cassiopaean" information (the whole associated synthesis on the web) look so great? Because it looked like a great leap towards bridging that gap, reconciling the rational and mystical. But that's how it looked before I had more knowledge and experience. Now it appears to be a "synthesis" which inverts and destroys both science and mysticism, instead of furthering them and bringing something greater.

I'm still striving towards at least a personal greater synthesis of the rational and mystical. But I have different expectations now; it will have to be looser and more tentative, for starters, because otherwise it seems impossible to avoid painting oneself into a corner. (My new bias is to be extremely skeptical as soon as something is simplified into ideology, as ideology amounts to an oversimplified approach to reality. Systems thinking seems a promising way to grow insight beyond ideological boundaries.)

Maybe some themes will develop in the thread "Computer science metaphors for the spiritual". I also posted about a current personal software project, though this community is an unlikely one for discussion of command-line audio generation.
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07-29-2020, 10:30 PM,
RE: Falling upwards from Cassiopaea and landing here
I feel like fully wrapping up the "story" of the transition between the communities, before moving on to more wider reflections and things about life and learning.

As mentioned in the other thread, I officially left the Cassiopaea community's "Fellowship of the Cosmic Mind" in September, 2019. There, I describe more about the philosophical differences, etc. Here, I'll write more about what happened.
(10-24-2019, 03:58 PM)Asolsutsesvyl Wrote:  I felt I couldn't write all I had on my mind while still being a member of the Fellowship (FOTCM) which is the "club" (officially a religion) which is the inner part of the Cassiopaea community. As I mentioned before, I was really not sure what to say to them, with all I had on my mind. I finally came to the conclusion that the best I could do, having already discussed personal matters in the past, was to post a few things which may generally stimulate thinking and then simply leave.

I sent a short message about having decided to leave on September the 24th. I mention this because of a symbolic event. A few days after, while walking one evening, I bumped my head on a sign while looking down, a "slow down near the school" type of sign. I found that I had not yet gotten a response to the message (as it would turn out, the person usually handling it was away for the week). After posting a message on the members' board, the next day I was removed. Then followed a sense of inner expansiveness and healing which has gone on since then.

The advice to "just leave" is the standard advice of the Cassiopaea community to those who no longer fit; if you don't like what they are about, it's the mature and free-will-respecting way to proceed. I do agree that it would have been pointless to stay around and argue with a crowd not open to the thinking I had developed.

And so, this is the email I sent on the 24th...

After a long time of being really torn on my membership, I think it's time to simply leave.

The truth is, I don't belong in the community, at any rate as it has developed.

It wasn't easy to realize that there are irreconcilable differences, but knowing that there are, I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I simply request that you end my membership ASAP.

This is final, after much thinking.

When some days had passed without a response, I quoted it and added the following on the members' board:
Quote:I sent this both as email to [the address] and as a PM to [forum admin] on the evening of Sep 24 (with the same heading: "Leaving the Fellowship").

I would have hoped that in the three days since, there would have been some response (and preferably in the direction of going ahead with the request) - but there's been none.

So now I re-post my simple request to leave here.
[the text quoted above]

P.S. Since this is going to be read by various people who may subjectively prefer that I not leave. Please do not waste your nor my time and energy with "do not leave" replies. I simply mean it when I want to leave.

I was feeling some inner upheaval. I wrote what I wrote with a simple intention: making it unnecessary to respond, deciding in advance that I would not make any reply.

Anyway, I checked replies a couple of times before just leaving it. First, a few short, polite responses came in, expressing the basic sentiment: "Okay, you are leaving. Realities diverge. Take care." I remember that one member seemed to feel something in the air, writing a quick note about being wary of 4D STS influences.

A bit later, some invisible switch seemed to have been flipped. A member expressed a new sentiment: "You are playing the group and creating drama. You suck." The member seemed to expect that, like some others had in the past, I would jump in and make it a very drawn-out and manipulative good-bye.

Along with that post, I saw that others had come in very quickly following that turn in direction. One member quoted my line about having "irreconcilable differences" with the Fellowship, and concluded that I was so unreasonable that I probably wouldn't get along with anyone in the world. Another member pointed out I may be "slightly egocentric" in connection with seeming to identify as 'intellectual' in another discussion.

It was as if I was rapidly growing little "horns" in the eyes of the commenters, now that I was no longer "us" but rather "them" instead. It was fascinating, actually, to watch. But after reading that influx of posts, I let it be. I'd had enough of what began to feel like an inadvertent "scratch and sniff" test, revealing something I'd rather not remain in.

How blind had I been to not clearly see similar tendencies when the group directed it towards others in the past? I was suddenly reminded of one member who, years ago, had criticized the group by comparing its behavior to immaturity he remembered from the schoolyard. Perhaps it was simply the pattern of what was accepted and not accepted which differed. That's why I had earlier "fit in" with the Fellowship, while in school I had been bullied.

The next day I received two polite emails, each from an admin, confirming my removal. The two are, in a way, people fairly like myself, except that so far, they have not faced any irreconcilable differences standing in the way of their continued journeys with that community. And while I remember them as generally nice, they don't feel the stench which has slowly intensified around them over the years.

Half a year later, March 15, I finally tied up a remaining loose end, by getting my 2011 anti-defamation testimonial for the group unpublished. It was on the website "cassiopaea-cult.com", where they counter what's written on "cassiopaeacult.com" and elsewhere. I had let it remain in part for the sake of countering lies, by actual conman and black magick practitioner Vincent Bridges, et al. But keeping my distance to that does not mean I have to keep supporting the group. I emailed:

I have decided that I can no longer stand by the words I wrote here:

[link to now-removed article]

I request the removal of my old testimonial. Its absence will be of no significance in relation to the old defamation which is countered on that site. I do not support the work of Vincent Bridges et al., and will not do so in the future. The description of the community is however far from my current views.
The request was promptly responded to, the old article deleted. By then, I no longer found it ethical to support the Cassiopaea group, either. In that, I largely agree with what Montalk has to say.
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